Why getting a job is sometimes more luck than judgement .

So imagine this, you are just out of university. Every graduate in the country is looking for a job. This time, that wonderful season called summer, is a time where the job market is heavily saturated. And it’s difficult. Every single job seems to ask for experience or is in a difficult to get to location. Or due to health issues, it’s one that just isn’t possible. Not only do you need to think of a job now, but you also need to plan your future, apply for training contracts, mini-pupillages etc.

Then again you just have a thirst to travel. To run away from it all but here’s the catch – it’s borderline as to whether you have the funds. Due to flights it’s borderline as to whether I’d have the 5000 aussie dollars necessary for a working visa. (Would be planning on office temp work because health if I did it)

I actually have an interview to teach in china with EF on Monday to lets hope. I got a not really legit teach in china job a few months ago and turned it down due to that. The differences in how EF do things is already evident in the recruitment process.

But anyway. I Fear I have gone on a tangent.

This blog post is targeted at explaining that often times whether you get the job or not is just luck. To go along with that I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And this is not to underestimate the hard work that is also involved in securing a job. For law, all the research into firms and in any case CV’s should be tailored for each position. Yes it is a lot of work, but it is also a lot of luck and that is the stance I am going to take in this post.

Many of factors go into how good the application was and whether you progress, such as;

  • How tired you were when you applied
  • How distracted you were
  • How tired/distracted the recruiter was
  • They may have filled all the positions and just not taken the job down
  • Where you live
  • You don’t have a driving licence
  • The recruiter just doesn’t relate to you
  • Hours your available to work
  • Potential commitment time
  • How good everyone else who applied was
  • Your CV is not ATS compatible

and many many other reasons why you may be rejected for a job without getting to interview but may get an interview for a more skilled job.

Getting a job can be a difficult journey for some of us. I still have these two provisional offers under my belt with no signs of progress and one is meant to start next week.

Shit happens with references too. Which is one of my issues right now because all of my previous employees have left their jobs. And due to health issues I wasn’t great at those jobs anyway…

Remember not to be disheartened about rejection.

Rejection is redirection and it could happen for a number of reasons.

Just take action and persist and eventually life will work out.

 

 

Post-Graduation depression

I guess this is a follow on from my post exam depression post and quick disclaimer – technically speaking I haven’t graduated yet, I graduate next week. But for all meaningful purposes – I have finished my final year at uni and am currently waiting for two provisional offers to manifest and stressing because I like to catastrophise and prepare for the worst – mentally.

Meanwhile I see everyone else getting on in life and doing amazing things.

And I feel a little lost. I feel like I’m not good enough –  I’m not trying hard enough. Hilariously today I’m pretty much bed bound due to my CFS. I can’t adrenaline my way through job applications. The research required for the training contract application that needs to be accomplished for the week is too much for my cognitive fatigue right now.  I feel like I’m not allowed to rest because I haven’t got THE job yet. As if not having THE job defines me as unsuccessful in comparison with everyone else.

Suddenly everyone is thrown into the real world – competing for that lucrative job. Because I have two provisional offers I’m not aggressively applying for admin assistant roles until September. I feel bad for that. I feel bad for putting my time and energy into training contracts and mini pupillages for that long term plan. (Essentially ideally I’d be a barrister but a solicitor would be the more secure way and I want that security. I am also not in a financially privileged position. I couldn’t work much throughout my degree due to illness. So a training contract and later becoming a solicitor advocate is more realistic).

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because my parents have always told me I can’t. They’ve never encouraged me or nurtured my ambition so I believe I shouldn’t have it….

And my parents and ambition nurturing is another blog post entirely, but I think that’s where it comes from.

It’s difficult managing the post graduate unemployed life. When you have limited funds and no income it can be hard to justify going travelling or paying £600 for that 3 day summer school that sounds really interesting if Job 1 doesn’t manifest. Both things I am contemplating. But volunteer abroad programmes are expensive (my travels would have to add to my CV).

It’s no wonder research shows over 40% of graduates suffer with feelings of depression. Because it is difficult. People expect things of you, you feel useless, like your somehow wasting time.

It is at this time that looking after mental health becomes so important. If you have chronic illness – don’t feel bad for resting when you need to. It is at this time that it is your responsibility and no one else’s to ensure you are well enough to be as productive of a member of society as is possible and realistic for you. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t fulfil peoples requests from you. If they give you shit about it – they don’t understand and unfortunately for some people (i.e my family) no amount of trying will make them understand. Take time for yourself  – do things you enjoy. Go on  a little holiday. Remember that this is only a temporary phase and that it will all work out in the end. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan. Whatever it is that helps you get through.

You will be okay, you will get through this uncertain period. Yes it’s difficult but many of us feel the same. If social media is harmful avoid it – or just avoid certain platforms and remember that there is always someone to talk to.

ALWAYS.

My experience with imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome has been talked about quite a lot over the last year. Having learnt about it, and listened to many others talk about their experiences through it via YouTube I thought it was about time that I discuss my experience with imposter syndrome.

Impostor Syndrome is characterized by the conviction that you don’t deserve your success. It is the feeling that you’re not as intelligent, creative or talented as other people seem to believe you are. It is the suspicion that your achievements are down to luck, good timing or just being in the right place at the right time. And it is accompanied by the fear that, one day, you’ll be exposed as a fraud.

I definitely relate to this. I have incredibly low self esteem and when things go right, I feel as though a mistake has been made. I feel like it was just luck, good timing or that it was in reality something incredibly easy and any idiot could have done it. I am not good at seeing my own achievements as a success and I’m scared that one day everyone will realise how useless I really am, or that they already know that. Understandably, this can make life incredibly difficult to deal with.

In some cases imposter syndrome can be debilitating. Although it’s not a formal clinical diagnosis.

Personally, if I get good grades I think they’re wrong. If I win academic awards I think a mistake has been made. If I get a job, I question whether I’m really good enough and whether the employer has made a mistake.

I check my final year grades every single day because I still can’t believe it’s true…

For my first two years at university imposter syndrome really effected me. Not to the point that it was debilitating but enough to be something weighing my mental state down. I got into my admittedly not great uni (In terms of league tables but I couldn’t imagine having gone anywhere else) with BBB at A level and a further BC at AS. With a couple of resits thrown into that mix too. The offer I received was ABB. Yes I know I was only one grade off but I just had that feeling that I didn’t deserve to be there, that everyone else had it all together and was so much better than me. This was especially true when compounded by low grades in my first year. (I got 2:2s in all my coursework).

I still felt the same in second year, even though my grades had improved. Like I just wasn’t enough. Like everyone else was so much better than me.

It’s difficult, it’s reality.

To my understanding many people go to through this, so people do understand. It is also possible to overcome.

If anyone else reading this feels the same or similar then please comment! And any tips for overcoming imposter syndrome would be much appreciated.

From 2:2 to 1st

Passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law, and of life – Elle Woods

Earlier this week I received my overall degree classification and my final year module results. And well… the title says it all. I got a first. Very much feeling like Elle Woods right now despite perfectionist me trying to get me down because some people get higher firsts. Yes I need to learn to be easier on myself. I am mentally and physically unwell and a first is more than enough! But anyway, in light of the progress I have made throughout my degree I thought I’d discuss a little bit of my journey and give a few useful tips getting the undergraduate degree you deserve. This will be aimed at law students but a lot of it will apply to many disciplines.

So a came out of first year with a 2:2 – albeit a high one because my strengths lie in exams. And back in the day there was a huge difference between exam me and coursework me. Now that difference is only marginal – but still there. Exams are my strength. For some coursework is there strength. There are a few tips that arise from this point.

  1. If you know your better at coursework before going to uni select a uni that offers a lot of coursework for your course – I think for my uni it was 60/40 for my class. Which is quite high for a law degree. If exams are your strength then maybe select a more exam based.
  2. If you don’t have this luxury – which I know I didn’t, then find it in your first year and really play to it. Take exam based modules if you have the choice or if coursework is your strength, take coursework based modules.
  3. Work on closing that gap – ask your lecturers what they are looking for, what you need to improve. Read books around your course in the holidays and refer back during the year and make sure you are away of the mark scheme at your institution and what it asks of you.

In first year I was a very busy gal. Yes I worked hard with my degree and I wanted to do my best but I was also doing a lot of other things and dealing with some terrifying and debilitating health issues which I will not discuss because just thinking back to the levels of pelvic pain and myriad of other symptoms is too much.  In my first year I had two jobs, spent 6-15 hours a week doing drama related activities, debated, attended poetry society and catholic society. I did a short course in advocacy, spent maybe a little too much time in the pub, had movie nights with my friends and went to the gym 3-6 times a week.

I was for the first time ever truly living my life – maybe as a distraction from the worry about my fertility levels and also because I very much like to seize the day if the opportunity to do so arises. Hilariously, I also applied to switch to theatre and got accepted. I made pro and con lists and couldn’t decide. But the day before I had to make a decision the judgement on the Charlie Gard case was handed down and it captured me.

It was then that I knew.

I was going to persist with the study and hopefully one day, the practice of law. That is still the case. I’m planning on working for a year because I need a break and then going on to do the BPTC. I would also like to go into law academically at some point because, just like Elle Woods, I learnt to love law.

2nd year I started off trying to be as busy as I was in 1st year, despite my chronic fatigue having got worse over the summer and still very much being symptomatic with suspected endometriosis and dealing with fibromyalgia – which I think I developed towards the end of my first year.

I was on two committees, had a job, dabbled in model UN and the climbing society. I also walked to and from uni.  So it was no wonder that despite working really hard that in my first piece of coursework I only got a 53. (And it was trusts law which I really did not understand, didn’t even answer the question – as I realised once I got feedback.)

All the meanwhile I was getting progressively more ill so I cut back. I had my degree, my committee responsibilities, many GP appointments, transvaginal ultrasounds, gynaecology appointments and blood tests and that was about it.

And what happened? I took that feedback from the 53 and on the next piece of coursework (EU law) I got 73. And it wasn’t a fluke. I got 73 in my land coursework and 68 in my tort coursework.

Admittedly this was not all sunshine and rainbows. My mental health in 2nd year was appalling because of the pill I was on at the time. Cerazette I hate you. I started self harming again, attempted suicide. But hey atleast I got good grades.

Going into exams I was determined to keep this up. So me and my concentrate revision guides and Q&A’s got to work.

Just want to put a disclaimer here – do not rely on revision guides too heavily. They are useful to supplement your own work and  resources, to clarify areas you don’t understand and to improve exam technique. 

And my exam results were as follows

  • Tort: 74
  • Trusts: 77
  • Land: 76
  • EU: 69

Not too shabby at all and certainly more than I expected.

So after summer we go into third year. This year the workload was higher as we had a dissertation on top of the 4 modules. But we had choice over our modules and our dissertation topics.

Now I got really unwell with my ME/CFS and suspected POTS over summer so third year, gonna be honest. I only had my degree. But this is not be saying that you should have no life to do well. I was in a unique situation. Of being pretty much bedbound, and not very functional even in bed at the end of the summer but being too stubborn to take a year out. And I did have some life – just not as much of a life.

I spent time talking to my flat mates, had 7 theatre trips and other things happened.

But for the most part is was study, rest, attend medical appointments and apply for grad schemes (+ the interviews I had associated with that).

My health has honestly been a laughing matter this past year. I’ve managed to improve my ME/CFS drastically although I’m still probably on the mild/moderate borderline. My nausea is no where near as bad as it was in first term. But my joints are horrendous (Yay HSD), my fibro pain got a lot worse and I spent 2 months working my way up to the maximum dose of gabapentin. Which helps. But it made me really anxious and paranoid which I just deal with tbh, my mental health is still a lot better than it was in 2nd year.  Suspected endo and suspected POTS are much less of an issue but my skin is causing all sorts of issues.

But there we go. Life goes on.

I would say I learnt to love law in 2nd year but in my 3rd year I really developed that passion for law. Which I think can make everything more frustrating because suddenly it matters so much more. I absolutely chose the right modules.

It’s that passion that I believe really helped drive my success and allowed me to work the hours that I worked, despite so much going on health wise. It was no longer about just getting the grades because I need the grades. I was, for the first time, doing my degree for me and only me and because of that I wanted to do the best I possibly could.

In terms of revision it was a lot of recall, a lot of colour. I made PowerPoints for essay plans and colour coded problem answers. It was extra research where I felt it was needed or where I was just genuinely interested and it was tactical emails to lecturers, asking specific questions on things that were likely to be relevant to the exam that I needed clarifying. I asked about the structures expected of us and clarifications on the operation of specific parts of statute, sentencing guidelines and case law. It is also important to not underestimate the benefit of talking with your peer group about specific topics within your modules. And in relation to coursework lots of research and thinking. Thinking about the question, the wider context and the merits of the research itself. Again talking to your peers and getting people to proofread is helpful here.

So third year finishes and results are as follows

Coursework

  • Children and the Law: 73
  • Evidence: 73
  • Sentencing: 73

I was a consistent bunny.

Dissertation

  • 80

Exams

  • Children and the Law: 75
  • Evidence: 73
  • Sentencing: 75
  • Family: 86

I was a successful gal. In terms of academic achievement anyway. Not much else. But we have provisional job offers, we’re waiting to hear back from interviews and I’m meeting with someone about some volunteering on Monday.

I also want to note that I am not naturally intelligent and I really struggle with reading comprehension. I never expected these results and it was REALLY hard! Now I’ve finished discussing the journey I’ll end this post with useful tips and try and link a few useful resources.

  1. You need to peak at the right time! Third year is the most weighted year at most uni’s – don’t burn yourself out! Pace yourself. Take first year to get involved in all the things.
  2. If you don’t understand ask for help.
  3. Look after yourself. You won’t reach your full potential otherwise. This means trying to sleep atleast 7 hours a night, taking time to calm down. Go for a 10 minute run, do some yoga or pilates. Try to eat a balanced diet.
  4. Don’t become too isolated!
  5. Switch up your study space.
  6. Practice makes perfect.
  7. Extra research is a must – if you can go beyond the reading list that is even better – but you do not need to read everything on the reading list. If it says it’s optional, it means optional. Utilise them for coursework, seminar preparations  or when looking at specific exam questions.
  8. Attendance is key. Especially seminars but I also found it necessary to attend lectures as I focus more in a lecture than when just listening to the recording in bed.
  9. You do you. Comparison is the thief of joy. Please do not succumb to it. I know it is hard, I know law school is a breeding ground for comparison but you will save your self a lot of tears if you don’t succumb to it.
  10. Your lecturers will try to psych you out. Which makes sense. If you want to be a lawyer you need a thick skin. Be prepared!
  11. And finally, enjoy it!

Resources for law students:

And I am sure there are many other nuggets that you may find and I have found along the way. I just wanted to pinpoint the main and more universal resources.

Hope this was helpful and if anyone reading has useful tips and/or resources please share in the comments.

 

 

 

 

Perfectionism

 

Perfectionism.

Those who don’t understand it think we are just obnoxious, cocky or full of ourselves. Or they think that to be a perfectionist you have to actually always be perfect – always be actually reaching those unattainable goals that you set for yourself.

But these things are not true.

To my knowledge there are two types of perfectionism – a type that is positive and makes you strive for more, without neglecting your mental health and the more harmful type. The “bad” perfectionist, as I shall term it, sets unattainable goals, never feels good enough. Often suffers from anxiety and is at risk of burning out and developing chronic illnesses.

We are put of from starting or continuing things because we feel as though we are not good enough and so they are not worth it. We set unattainable goals and have to be the best.

A first isn’t good enough. You need marks in the 80s and 90s just because other people can. Doing your job well isn’t enough. You always feel inadequate and have to be perfect.

It’s actually soul destroying, mentally and physically damaging.

As a perfectionist it is very difficult to switch off, take time out. To not reply to that email instantly. It’s difficult to not feel like you must be constantly working – to the extent that even the most basic forms of self care get neglected.

An important thing to note here is that perfectionism doesn’t manifest the same way. It’s not necessarily being perfectly neat and tidy, valedictorian, involved in 1001 projects. People can be perfectionists in different aspects of life or it may just manifest differently in different aspects of a persons life.

It’s also fair to say that perfectionism is prevalent more so in some professions than others. It’s fair to say many barristers are perfectionists, many surgeons, many professional ballet dancers.

And, awareness needs to be raised. It can be a huge problem for some. It needs to be seen as such and the warning signs need to be identified.

Productivity Culture

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Another day, another blog post – I definitely have a creative muse right now. Today, I am going to write about something I would like to call productivity culture.

I feel as though in todays day and age productivity is so much more important than it was in previous generations. Maybe this is because of the internet, specifically social media which gives us access to so many people who previously we would have seldom come across.

Social media is full of those who build their platform from their business, their studying, their bullet journals, it is also full of a range of other stories, which when taken the wrong way or read in the wrong mindset can put the rest of us to shame. These ultra-productive people have upped the anti for what it means to be successful, to be productive, to be trying your best.

And obviously that’s not true, success is relative and the rational part of me knows that success is relative, and that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that a lot of the time these online personality’s are just inspirational and nothing more – they certainty don’t intend for harm to come from it. I was studytubers, follow studygrammers myself. I hold nothing against the concept or them as people.

But, I do know that I sometimes have to step back, and there have certainly been times when I have been left feeling like I’m somehow not good enough because I’m not ultra-productice or ultra-successful in life. This brings us to a deeper problem. For some teenagers and young adults, just desperate to be successful, for anxious minds this can cause harm. It can lead to the belief that you have to be doing something worthwhile at every waking second of every day. That you have to sacrifice your sleep, your downtime to being constantly busy.

Busy is the word that brings me to belief that this culture is also heavily represented outside of social media, in certain industries. In law, medicine and academia to name a few. And it can certainly be represented by that family friend everyone has who is doing all the things and puts you to shame. Makes you feel like your not doing enough to be successful in life.

Your not doing enough worthwhile activity. You feel bad for spending maybe a little too much time on social media, watching TV or watching YouTube. For not being successful enough. Currently, I’m unemployed. I’m waiting to hear back about a provisional job offer, and have one assessment centre and an interview lined up next week so it’s not like I’m not trying and I’m really trying to be okay with not being ultra-productive during my time off. And not being ultra successful.

Yes I’m being relatively productive (depending on your definition of the word) because the second I’m not distracted I realise just how bad my chronic pain is. Which is not good. I’m really trying to learn that comparison is the thief of joy and we do not all have to be ultra-productive and ultra-successful.

We are all unique and we all have different roles in this world, we are not all meant to be ultra-productive or successful and nor do we have to be.

It’s all relative. Everything is relative. And self care is so so soo important! Some need more of it than others.

It’s okay to let your body rest after running off adrenaline to get through exams. It’s okay. It’s okay if your barely managing your academic commitments, let alone anything else. And so long as your trying, it’s okay if your presently unemployed be it due to fate or otherwise.

We don’t all have to be ultra-productive all the time.

Be you, be unique and that’s enough.

If you just want to binge TV and do nothing else, that’s okay! If due to illness your unable to do much else that’s also okay!

Listen to your body, your heart and your sole and don’t get caught up in comparing yourself to someone on the internet. If you feel your family or teachers expect to much of you, please don’t let it get to you too much.

And a final reminder – it is okay to rest! We do not have to have every second of our schedules filled out at all times!

Gaining Perspective, learning to go easy on myself while I can.

Hello, so frequent readers of my blog will know that I have recently been going through a lot of feelings of guilt, weakness and denial. But recently I feel I have found some perspective or atleast I am starting to get over those feelings for the time being.

I guess it comes from the perspective of others, and those others not being my parents. Whom are like they are and pushy like they are about certain things, one being me having a part time job and working that job regularly because they worry. And because they don’t understand. They don’t understand that I am chronically ill. Heck I don’t think they even know. I know I’ve never told them. And not only that- they don’t realise how full on being a law student is. Especially if a) you want a good degree classification and b) you’re not super intelligent. Yeah, life was all fun and games in first term. I did manage to study adequately and for the last couple of weeks of term, commit to rehearsals,  work a couple of shifts and socialise a lot. Yeah, I did push my body too far. I was so ill and my chronic illness was so bad, even for weeks after term ended but I did manage to do it all.

But now I’ve realised, and this is because I’ve realised if I do work, I need a new job. And all Other jobs will provide regular commitment of hours that it’s just not going to be practicable.Not for my health and not for my grades. More not for my grades to be honest. Because I am going to have to start revising for exams now, start making proper notes and taking things more seriously. Which takes up time, it means I do have to do some studying over the weekend, when before I had weekends free to netflix and chill or go on autumnal walks.

And for a while I beat myself up over that, beat myself up for taking the easy way out. But the reality of it is – as long as I stick to some sort of budget I don’t need the extra money this year. So why would I add the stress and strain of regular working hours on top of uni, drama (the love of my life) being chronically ill and maintaining a social life. I might look out for when uni are next recruiting student ambassadors so that way I can still have some income but until then. I will quite happily not work regularly and try not to feel shame for that.

Fact of the matter is I am a productive uni student, not the most productive but I am productive and I do try hard and work hard. So why should I feel guilty about not doing enough? When I do do enough.

Dealing with guilt, feeling over privilaged.

Hello guys.

So lately that nasty little thing called comparison with others has started to creep in again, something major. And it’s creeped in, in many ways. One of those ways is in making me feel like I haven’t done enough with my life in the past. Haven’t been doing enough with my life over the Christmas break from uni.

And I’m not talking about not doing enough with my life in terms of creating new experiences but not doing enough in terms of not having a job and not earning money and never having had a job until 2 months ago. Even with a job now, the hours are so awkward and the location is so awkward in relation to where I live during term time that I struggle to find appropriate shifts that fit in with other commitments and mean I can get back without risking being murdered.

And all of this has lead to be feeling incredibly bad. People my age work crazy hours, somehow balance that with socialising and studying. I’ve worked two shifts in my life. And they were great experiences. One was fun, the other I cried but after that it got better. I just feel like I should be doing more. Yet at the end of the day I know my body can’t take more.

I pushed myself to the limit last term. I ended up getting 3 run of the mill illnesses in a week, the last week of term and so overly exhausted that my energy is only just back to a normal level of fatigue. Not to mention that I am chronically ill and on a bad day I find it nearly impossible to go to lectures and seminars and study from bed. I drag myself in, in comfy clothes and sit at the front near the door in case I need to leave to vomit or I get a bout of diarrhoea or I really urgently need to pee. I am silent and barley engaging my brain in seminars on days I am having a bad day, because I physically cannot. Let alone standing for 4+ hours at work. On a bad day, that is not going to happen. Yet if I had to cancel a shift because of that I would feel so bad, I would feel I had to push through it because that’s what people do. Because that’s what my parents do when they’re sick.

Then there’s the guilt of not having worked since I was 16. Yes I had a paper round until that point so it’s not that I’ve never worked as such… but I do feel like I’m overly privileged. In the sense that I don;t make my own money, but I have student finance and savings and occasionally my parents and other family members may help me out. So I live fairly comfortably without having to try. Without having to make my own living… and I feel bad about that… even though obviously there are reasons why I can’t 100% make a living.

First and foremost it’s that I’m a law student. Being a law student takes a lot of time, a lot of study, a lot of reading. And for any student, balancing a full time job and passing well would likely be near impossible. Secondly I have a chronic illness. I may not be diagnosed but there is something wrong with me. That means I fatigue easily, I have sometimes severe pain, I have nausea, bloating, diarrhoea, frequent and intense urges to urinate. Upon other symptoms. Obviously that limits me to some extent, fortunately not anywhere near as much to others who are chronically ill. And there were reasons why I didn’t work before hand, number one being it did not seem to matter however many jobs I applied for no one wanted me. I barley got any interviews. Secondly I was such a mess back then, mentally and also physically (I would say I was more physically ill then than I am now, in terms of how severe the symptoms were. They just weren’t as frequent.) I wouldn’t have lasted had a got a job. I was an anxious mess and then I was a depressed mess and then I had a flair up and my health really deteriorated and I relapsed into my eating disorder and decided I had to work on myself. At least until the ED related physical ill health was gone. And then exams came around and then no one wanted me for a summer job. So it’s not like I haven’t tried and not like had I not tried that I had no excuse. There were reasons.

But I still feel so bad about it, especially on days like the last few days where I’ve felt fairly healthy. Not totally healthy. But about the healthiest it gets for me right now and I feel like I could do everything, be some sort of superwoman and do it all… and then feel bad for not.

Does anyone else feel the same or has felt the same in the past? Or is it just me? With multiple mental illnesses that have still to be completely overcome along with an  chronic illness, not officially diagnosed, that makes this wonderful thing called life a very complex and confusing journey to say the least.