Let’s talk anxiety and online school

I know for some people online school is a lot easier for their anxiety. No physically having to go in. Interact with the real world. See people. But there are some parts of online school that I find even more anxiety provoking and people just don’t understand why so in the name of awareness raising I thought I’d share.

Discussion Boards

I don’t know why but posting on a discussion board stresses me out. Being able to do it is only a recent thing. I know it’s irrational so don’t go telling me that or to just get over it. The problem with having really low self esteem when you have those discussion boards where you can’t see answers until you comment. You may wonder why:

  • What if I’m wrong?
  • What if it looks like I haven’t tried?
  • What if it’s too much/too little?
  • What if I get negative responses?
  • What if people decide they don’t like me/I’m worthless/stupid because of what I post?

The virtual group task

Do we all hate these?

Especially when we all have our own commitments and some of us may be abroad so how the fuck are we supposed to make it work if we don’t have much mutually convenient time.

So why does this make me anxious. For me it’s the starting. It’s when no one reaches out to the group. No one takes the lead but you are too anxious to do so. Again pretty irrational. You may wonder why.

  • What if they think I’m a swot/nerd?
  • What if they think I have no life?
  • What if they think I’m being too pushy?
  • What if I don’t word it right?

It feels me with dread, it paralyses me and it makes me feel physically sick. I hope I’ll get more confident as the year goes on but right now that’s how it is.

How do you feel about online school and how has it affected your anxiety?

Post-Graduation depression

I guess this is a follow on from my post exam depression post and quick disclaimer – technically speaking I haven’t graduated yet, I graduate next week. But for all meaningful purposes – I have finished my final year at uni and am currently waiting for two provisional offers to manifest and stressing because I like to catastrophise and prepare for the worst – mentally.

Meanwhile I see everyone else getting on in life and doing amazing things.

And I feel a little lost. I feel like I’m not good enough –  I’m not trying hard enough. Hilariously today I’m pretty much bed bound due to my CFS. I can’t adrenaline my way through job applications. The research required for the training contract application that needs to be accomplished for the week is too much for my cognitive fatigue right now.  I feel like I’m not allowed to rest because I haven’t got THE job yet. As if not having THE job defines me as unsuccessful in comparison with everyone else.

Suddenly everyone is thrown into the real world – competing for that lucrative job. Because I have two provisional offers I’m not aggressively applying for admin assistant roles until September. I feel bad for that. I feel bad for putting my time and energy into training contracts and mini pupillages for that long term plan. (Essentially ideally I’d be a barrister but a solicitor would be the more secure way and I want that security. I am also not in a financially privileged position. I couldn’t work much throughout my degree due to illness. So a training contract and later becoming a solicitor advocate is more realistic).

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because my parents have always told me I can’t. They’ve never encouraged me or nurtured my ambition so I believe I shouldn’t have it….

And my parents and ambition nurturing is another blog post entirely, but I think that’s where it comes from.

It’s difficult managing the post graduate unemployed life. When you have limited funds and no income it can be hard to justify going travelling or paying £600 for that 3 day summer school that sounds really interesting if Job 1 doesn’t manifest. Both things I am contemplating. But volunteer abroad programmes are expensive (my travels would have to add to my CV).

It’s no wonder research shows over 40% of graduates suffer with feelings of depression. Because it is difficult. People expect things of you, you feel useless, like your somehow wasting time.

It is at this time that looking after mental health becomes so important. If you have chronic illness – don’t feel bad for resting when you need to. It is at this time that it is your responsibility and no one else’s to ensure you are well enough to be as productive of a member of society as is possible and realistic for you. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t fulfil peoples requests from you. If they give you shit about it – they don’t understand and unfortunately for some people (i.e my family) no amount of trying will make them understand. Take time for yourself  – do things you enjoy. Go on  a little holiday. Remember that this is only a temporary phase and that it will all work out in the end. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan. Whatever it is that helps you get through.

You will be okay, you will get through this uncertain period. Yes it’s difficult but many of us feel the same. If social media is harmful avoid it – or just avoid certain platforms and remember that there is always someone to talk to.

ALWAYS.

How to get a first in family law

Disclaimer: it goes without saying that this is not an exhaustive list and my only qualification to write about this is getting a first in family law. I am also going to try and avoid too much generalised advice and just let you know what I wish I knew before taking the module.  So let’s get started. 

  1. You need to consider the wider context – policy considerations, likely effect on the child, the political climate etc. Really consider this in essay questions and if you’re planning on thinking out of the box, problem questions too!
  2. Take a psycho-social approach to the law – You will likely have a lot of studies thrown at you in lectures or put on your reading list about things like the importance of contact with both parents, the impact and prevalence of domestic violence, the reaction of the criminal justice system to domestic violence and various other areas you will  cover throughout the course. It can be difficult to know how to utilise these and what the purpose of them is at the beginning because these are things that are not featured in many other law modules. But use them! Use them to back up a point, use them to help explain why the law is the way it is and if you have coursework critique them.
  3. The Welfare of the child is paramount – The welfare principle comes up time and time again in family law. Know S1 Children Act 1989 off by heart. Just do it. Even if you can use statute books in the exam. In revision notes make note of when it applies and which parts apply to help avoid confusion.
  4. Feminism – Feminist perspectives to the law are prevalent and easily applicable to the entirety of family law. If you have coursework spend some time discussing this where relevant and think about it for exam essays.
  5. Utilise a variety of resources – It can get confusing, but fortunately family law is well resourced. If you need to use a website meant for parents going through disputes just to get the bare bones then that’s okay. You can build up from that to get the knowledge base necessary for a first. Understanding is however key. You can know all the statute and case law but if you don’t know the reasoning behind it or implications of it you won’t get a first.
  6. Human rights – More specifically consider A8 ECHR and the implications that has on the law in that topic – could one argue A8 implications as a reason for reform?
  7. Case facts  – Okay I guess this is a more general one. They can be useful for essays to analyse whether the decision was a just one or to outright say how unjust the decision was but don’t get too bogged down with them. In problems remember that in many areas of family law each case is decided on it’s own facts. So don’t justify your conclusion based on a similar case. Stick to principles from the cases and apply them.

If you keep these in mind, they will definitely help you succeed in this module. Family law can get very overwhelming but it is certainly doable and it was probably my favourite module in final year.

If anyone wants advice relating to other modules you may take in law school leave a comment! And if anyone has more family law advice please feel free to comment!

Learning to accept that things take time

Patience is a virtue

I don’t know who said that originally, but it is something that is always said. Especially to someone whom does not have patience as one of their strengths.

I am not a patient person. I expect everything to happen instantly, fall into place instantly, be instant.

But that’s not life, that’s not reality. Not for the most of us. Reality is you don’t finish your degree and bam start work. Security checks take time, DBS checks take time. Hey, the start date may not be for a while.

Things take time, and that’s okay! Don’t feel bad for things you can’t control and don’t let anyone make you feel that way.

I’m currently in this awful place of waiting. Waiting for a temporary job to start – providing I get the references and DBS. A job that I’m not actually well enough to do but I just need something so desperately and it’s something enjoyable that I would happily volunteer to do. Waiting to hear back from a graduate scheme that I’m really passionate about, which starts in October.  Waiting to hear back for a paralegal position and waiting for security checks for another provisional offer. (Although haven’t been given anything to sign yet and that ones all v vague as to start date). And the all important waiting for the module results.

And that’s okay. It’s stressful and it’s difficult but that’s okay.

In times like this you just need to take each day as it comes and seize the day! Really just appreciate the life you’re in and find opportunities for yourself. Spend time doing the things you enjoy and see what happens.

I find that makes it a lot more enjoyable and stops you falling into that – watching an entire season of friends in a day trap. Although, I do like to watch it whilst I’m doing other things.

If you have some savings take a short holiday – somewhere not too far away. I’m going away next week and honestly now praying someone doesn’t just email me like “here’s a job, start now.” Because I have plans for those four days.

A welcome break. An adventure. Call it what you will. I like to call it a bit of both.

My first time solo travelling. Yes I’ve caught planes alone and stayed in a different city alone, but never have I been to a country, where I can’t speak the language alone.

Plan your future. I feel uncertainty gives you a lot of time to think. Like me knowing that in my head and my heart I’m a barrister so if I’m going to self fund a vocational training course it should the BPTC. Not that I’d turn down an opportunity to become a solicitor. Maybe I should have thought of this last year and applied deferred but oh well. We’re thinking this year. Actually I’m thinking I might seriously go for it – once I have a stableish living city. An end of the country would be helpful right now.

Then I can train as a Barrister and go into academia later. I don’t know what money with because we all know I’ll end up trying the whole legal aid bar thing.

I quite clearly have big plans which, hopefully I’ll have the spoons to put into place. To set the wheels in motion and make it happen.

And, what I’m saying is it’s okay to take it slower for a while. It’s necessary actually. Especially if your suffering from chronic and/or mental illnesses.

It’s okay to not have it all figured out. And maybe, just maybe. If you take time out, take it slower – you’ll see new things, appreciate simpler things and realise new things.

So maybe, patience really is a virtue.

 

Post-Exam Depression

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I’m not really sure what led me to start writing this, other than I think that this affects more people than those who let on about it. It makes sense really, putting everything into these exams, especially if your not good at self care and spend far too long working each day at the expense of everything else. Coming out of it and suddenly feeling low, hopeless or even scared makes sense, especially if your a person who already has a background of poor mental health. This is even more likely if you’ve just finished your final year exams and your suddenly compounded into uncertainty. We’re bound to find ourselves feeling this way.

And it’s so difficult to deal with. You have this desperate urge to be productive and get things done and you are – you do more than lay around watching TV all day, but it feels worthless. It feels useless. You see everyone on social media around you, living their best life, having a job, having an income, having a purpose…

And you, you have to try and keep the money you have and make it last so lets say goodbye to living that best life. Desperate for a long weekend abroad, at the very least, but can’t justify it financially because you have no job.

Admittedly, at this juncture I may have a full time job, which would allow me to apply for the LPC (Solicitor qualification in the UK), and take that alongside. Pending security checks, which I am currently stressing about. Maybe post exam anxiety is also a thing to.

I know they could take months. But here I am stressing about people finding my YouTube channel, which although no one watches at the moment other than me, myself and I – I’ve had my mum frequently hate on me for doing YouTube (back in the day where I had more than me, myself and I watching). I had her scaremongering, saying I wouldn’t get a job if I posted things on YouTube or any social media for that matter.

What if my past actions have destroyed an opportunity I was so, so close to getting. What if… I can’t bare to be moving back home long term. I function much better when I’m away from my family. And even if I didn’t – part of me feels like I’ve failed somehow.

I feel like people perceive me as lazy, unambitious, useless….

Because I’m neither doing my degree anymore, nor am I contributing to society.

And it hurts.

I’m not the sort of person who can just sit down and do nothing easily. I can no longer spend an entire day binging a TV show. And I guess that’s why I’m writing this now. My mental health needs me to be busy, but not self made busy, actually usefully busy.

Life’s difficult.

And I just want to send a message to anyone reading this who may be experiencing something similar, that you are not alone.

6 weeks of 2nd year

Hello again readers of my blog. Today I am coming to you after 6 weeks of second year. Well six weeks of lectures. 7 if you count freshers week and 8 if you consider the fact that reading week is almost over.

The last 6 weeks have been hard. I started out trying to do it all. climbing, model UN, my two committee responsibilities and of course that all important degree. Swiftly realised trying to do it all wasn’t going to happen. It’s not good for my health. And after a 2 and a half week migraine I’ve learnt I need to start taking it easy and listening to my body. Which means sacrificing things I love to prioritise my health and that all important Law Degree.

It also meant learning to say no because lets face it if I haven’t been able to get out of bed, or even lay in bed and watch TV all day, let alone do any uni work. I shouldn’t be leaving the house to go to something extra curricula. Even if it is one of my committee responsibilities.

Saying no is really hard. Not being able to do what your body should be able to do. Not even being able to push through anymore it really frustrating. Especially if your someone like me who likes being busy. When you physically can’t it hurts and it’s an adjustment process.

Over the last couple of months I’ve pushed myself well beyond what I feel healthy enough to do on a daily basis. I’ve got behind on uni work and somewhat caught up again. And all I can say is I’m proud of myself for what I’ve managed. I’m proud of my strength in dealing with all of this and still committing myself to my uni work 100%. Not using “I’m not really feeling well.” as an excuse to slack off and skip all my lectures or not put the effort I know I can into my seminar preps or coursework assignments because I can’t really be bothered.

At least now I know. I’m doing the best I can and no matter what comes from it, at this time in my life I can’t do any better. Not without sacrificing my health even more than I probably already am.

It’s like being more ill has made be more motivated to do my uni work because feeling too ill to do things a significant amount of time leads to a lot of boredom if you don’t at-least try to push through some of the time.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been pushing for diagnoses. Having blood tests, pelvic ultrasounds and going to physiotherapy appointments. All of which are enough to exhaust me. I’ve also learnt how much love and support I have around me. I couldn’t be more thankful for it. It’s funny actually how much support you get when you start opening up about your issues and trying to be honest about what is going on.

But yes, after the last few weeks I can tell you that anything is possible. Well not anything. You have to choose your priorities, but once you set your heart on something you will manage it. You may just have to take it at a slower pace than others do.

I can tell you that studying full time on a highly demanding course whilst being chronically ill is hard and sometimes it feels impossible. But I can also say that if you want it enough you will get through it, somehow. It may take you 4 years instead of 3. It may mean you can’t indulge in the typical “uni life” as much. But you can do it.

I am going to take that “I can do it.” Forward into the next few months and final year of my degree. Because unless I get so ill that I’m forced to drop out then I can do it.

Between Law and Theatre

So it must have been November time when i came up with the clever idea to change degrees, change the course of my life. And embark on the journey of considering, thinking and eventually applying for and getting an offer to study Theatre at the university I currently attend and study Law at. Now this was a long process, with a lot of careful thought and consideration before I made the application. It took me 5 months to finally get my act together and decide to make the application. Deciding that I would regret not taking the opportunity to study what I love. What I have a genuine interest in. So I did and within 24 hours I was invited to a selection day, which happened around a month and a half later.

During this month and a half I went through all the motions. Starting with my friend, or “friend” as she should be more aptly termed as to be in line with the current state of affairs. Anyway it started with her basically saying I couldn’t act, but in that nicey nice civil politically correct way which I oh so hate. That oh you have potential. In that awful tone of voice that says it all. You don’t have potential. Your rubbish. And then she said it all, dropping the nicey niceyness and saying I’m offputting on stage. Now if that didn’t hit my already incredibly low confidence hard. That statement I can never get out of my head. I’m off putting on stage. No not the statement the word. Offputting. This is why I have no friends, this is why I can’t get a job, this is why my family are the way they are towards me. This is why I can’t act. Why I never got the main role and was always shoved in the background, given some pathetically minor role that says “well done for trying, but you really don’t cut it, but obviously to be politically correct we have to give you a role, we can’t just leave you, this one person in the class, the year group, the extra curricular club out.” And then she went on to say she thinks I’m making a mistake. Great way to support a friend right? Telling her she’s making a mistake. Another thing I can’t get out of my head. What if I am making a mistake? What if this is all wrong and despite months of consideration this is a stupid path to embark upon. 

I got a C in GCSE Drama for god sake, off course I’m not equipped to study Theatre.

And second there’s the way people look at me when they find out I might be switching. Trying to be excited for me, pretending even. But not doing a very good job of it. You’re always able to see through it. See that they also think your making a mistake. Because lets face it. You’re the last person to succeed on a theatre degree, to fit in even. Your not confident, you don’t party, you can be highly introverted. Not to mention your A levels involved nothing even remotely creative. Oh and your off putting on stage. Which just adds to the idea that your making a mistake to anyone who’s ever seen you on stage. Because lets face it. Why would any one want to see me on stage? Why would anyone see me as a theatre student.

And thirdly and finally, there’s my parents. Who try to be supportive but you can tell they want me to stick with law. Which I 100% whole hardheartedly understand. What with Law seeming like a more practical degree in terms of future career options and the extra debt coming from the 4th year at university. And what if I hate it and want to drop out after first year and that’s just more debt with no gain in terms of career prospects at-least.

I guess all of this just exacerbates the fears I had and thought I’d reconciled with and justified before taking the plunge. The fears I’d not overcome but decided that they were fears that shouldn’t stop me. And now it’s all come back. And my guts telling me to do law but the thought of declining that offer. It makes me even more depressed than I have been feeling at times lately. It just feels like I’m sending myself into an Abyss of darkness and cluelessness. An Abyss of studying something I’m not passionate about with no end goal. No plan in life.

By declining that offer I feel I would be plunging myself into an abyss with no way out.

But I’m so terrified of theatre, even though it’s what I want. What I enjoy. What I have a genuine interest in. And the selection day, despite initial nerves ended up feeling so natural. A stark contrast to my law applicant day last year where I felt so out of my depth.

And at the end of the day right now, nothing seems like the right option. Nothing seems like my path in life, my destiny. Or even. This will make me happy. I think theatre will make me happy but will it? What if I can’t manage balancing the academic and practical requirements.What everyone in my year hates me? What if I fail? Or don’t get that 2:1 I oh so desperately want whatever degree I conclude. At the end of the day Law is the safe option. But it’s not what I want in life. But it’s an excuse to hide in the library rather than coming home to a house of so called friends. It’s the same to what I’ve been doing all these years. Revise for the exam, pass the exam. It’s just not what my heart is telling me…

So here I am. In a state of confusion. Unsure about what’s wrong or right. Unsure about my path in life. In a position in which a decision needs to be made but feeling paralysed as to my abilities in making that decision.

Uni Anxiety Already?

Hello everyone, today I just need to get things out. And rather than talk them through because lets face it. I have no one to talk to. I’m going to write the through in the hope that someone may help reassure and calm me about what the rest of my life or the next 4 years atleast has to hold.

I’m supposedly going to uni in september. To study law. Either in east london or north london. Yes the big scary city. It is not so much the big city that is daunting me though. I love london.

It’s the indapendance. And the having to live with other people. Having to manage money.

First things first I have a phobia of vomiting. So what if I don’t get allocated an ensuite. I will be 100% a mess otherwise. And what if someone else gets sick? Even if I do have an ensuite I don’t know if I will beable to cope with that because what if I catch it? And I am so scared of vomiting… So so so scared…

And what if everyone hates me. My mum has sad it any times before. “Everyone will hate you at uni.” I’m so scared of being alone, I already am alone but I’m scared of being more alone than  already am and I don’t know if  will be able to handle being around other people all the time. People scare me. Especially people my own age because some of them are so horrible. I’ve never really fit in anywhere. What if I don’t fit in at university?

And then theres this money issue which effects my whole life. I’m scred of spending money to do things I want… I’m scared of spending money on anything other than food or to replace things that are broken. And thats actually going to prevent me from being able to make friends at university. I’m also scared I won’t be able to get a job, baring in mind i seem to be completely unemployable given the jobs I’ve applied for in the last year… What if I don’t have enough money? And my mparents won’t help because “I need to get a job.” I can’t help that no where wants to employ me. I can’t help that I may be too crippled with anxiety to even consider gettng a Job…

Anyway. I think that explains it all…

Honestly. I’m considering moving to thailand and just figuring this mess of life out from there. But ob course with my vomiting phobia which also extends to diarrhea the water issue and long flight also causes issues.