Uni Anxiety Already?

Hello everyone, today I just need to get things out. And rather than talk them through because lets face it. I have no one to talk to. I’m going to write the through in the hope that someone may help reassure and calm me about what the rest of my life or the next 4 years atleast has to hold.

I’m supposedly going to uni in september. To study law. Either in east london or north london. Yes the big scary city. It is not so much the big city that is daunting me though. I love london.

It’s the indapendance. And the having to live with other people. Having to manage money.

First things first I have a phobia of vomiting. So what if I don’t get allocated an ensuite. I will be 100% a mess otherwise. And what if someone else gets sick? Even if I do have an ensuite I don’t know if I will beable to cope with that because what if I catch it? And I am so scared of vomiting… So so so scared…

And what if everyone hates me. My mum has sad it any times before. “Everyone will hate you at uni.” I’m so scared of being alone, I already am alone but I’m scared of being more alone than  already am and I don’t know if  will be able to handle being around other people all the time. People scare me. Especially people my own age because some of them are so horrible. I’ve never really fit in anywhere. What if I don’t fit in at university?

And then theres this money issue which effects my whole life. I’m scred of spending money to do things I want… I’m scared of spending money on anything other than food or to replace things that are broken. And thats actually going to prevent me from being able to make friends at university. I’m also scared I won’t be able to get a job, baring in mind i seem to be completely unemployable given the jobs I’ve applied for in the last year… What if I don’t have enough money? And my mparents won’t help because “I need to get a job.” I can’t help that no where wants to employ me. I can’t help that I may be too crippled with anxiety to even consider gettng a Job…

Anyway. I think that explains it all…

Honestly. I’m considering moving to thailand and just figuring this mess of life out from there. But ob course with my vomiting phobia which also extends to diarrhea the water issue and long flight also causes issues.

Lapsing

Blogging between class, just because I can. Laptops and wifi are all I need to make me feel at home.

Ok, so recovery is not going too well right now, it hasn’t been since starting college really but in the last couple of days it has taken a sudden turn for the worse. Two sentences of a book, that was the final trigger.

Two sentences, out of the book “wasted” by Marya Hornbacher. I will not share these sentences in fear that I will trigger others, but it is amazing where those two sentences have left me. I am trying to fight, fight against the thoughts it has left me with but they are so strong. 1100 calories is a fight even though I am allowing myself 1200.

The question is why? Why has this happened now. Over the summer holidays I was the most recovered I’d ever been. I was maintaining at my set point eating what I wanted when I wanted and barley eating calories. I ate with friends, ate food they offered. Now the thought of that in unconceivable. (Unless I was to know the exact calories in said item of food.)

I have been thinking about the why a lot and it has lead to to the conclusion that it is because I am not happy where I am right now. Not happy in college, not happy at home. Over the holidays doing NCS, I coud hide from the problems with my family, it made them seem not so bad but now. Now I’m lonely at college, feel like an outsider, all the family problems seem to be getting 10X worse or that is how I am perciving them.

I want to lose weight but I don’t want to lose weight, I am in constant onflict between myself and my eating disorder. I pray that this gets better.

Stagnating in recovery.

Brief update to start, just so you get a gage on what will be said. 


 

I have recently stopped counting Calories and last time I checked my weight/had the oppertunity to was 8st 10 3/4. Meaning I’ve lost a further 3 1/4lb.  Oh and for all of you who are interested Prom was wonderful and my dress did fit! YAY.


Brief update earlier now to start on what I really came here to write about. 

For the last week while participating in the past week of NCS my ED thoughts have resurfaced majorly. I have not felt these thoughts and acted on them for ages and it feels horrible to be giving in to my eating disorder so easily again.

What’s good is that I know why these thoughts reoccured. The fear of the unknown. I’m used to eating what I want. If I want to count calories I could without too much effort. I know what my parents cook and I trust what they cook now. With the meals I make myself I am quite a repetitive creature at heart so I know the calories without even thinking about it.

This fear of the unknown is causing me to feel awful about myself once again. FAT. OBEASE. 

OUT OF CONTROL.

I know this probably sounds really silly of you were on NCS with me or have done NCS before but due to eating what I’m going to describe as Unsafe/Unknown foods I feel I have gained a a good 4lb this week. Of course I have just lost weight and if I find I have gained it I am literally going to break.

I percive myself as fat still, I still have major body image issues over a year on from when I started recovery. I want nothing more than to be skinny, have slim legs not ugly fat chunky excuses for legs which I have now.

I want to be 45kg again. I want to starve but I know I shouldn’t.

Today those thoughts have been strong. I have been fighting with myself over various things like eating/not eating. Purging/Not purging. Over exersising/Not over exersising.

You get the general gist of things.

Last week I was quite active anyway which kept the thoughts at a managable level, today I feel like a lazy fat cow.

Again next week I have to eat unknown/unsafe foods. Apart from one night when I will have to be part of the cooking so will know what is in said meal.

Before I thought I would be fine within a year. Not eating disorder, but that isn’t the case atall.

Recovery is a long and hard Jouney, inner battle with yourself. Over the last year I’ve got much worse and much better. On the whole I am a lot happier and feeling a lot healthier now than I did this time last year.

Over the past year and almost two months I have come to realise that recovery is by no means easy but it is very much possible. Recovery is like a rollercoaster ride. You have ups and you have downs. A little like life really.

Recovery isn’t linear and it never will be linear.

At times it will feel like your going one step forwards and two steps back, other times you just feel stagnent but eventually there will be the day where that voice inside your head no longer exists; your eating disorder will become a none issue and you will beable to live life to the full again.

 

 

The Inner Fight For Recovery.

Recovery from an eating disorder really is a fight. The battle within to overcome that demon inside and discovering happyness. 

After struggling for a few weeks, I realised… time to pick myself back before I end up physically sick as well as mentally. I actuall ate lunch yesturday. Thing is I had 2600 calories and all I feel is overwhelming guilt. Overwhelming guilt because of the out of control, fat. obease pig I will become.

My dad rescued three of the easter eggs yeturday. I ate one; that alone triggered me into giving thr large eggs to my brothers. I can’t be associated with chocolate. It can’t be mine. I’m too fat… too out of control. The fear chocolate creates is immense. Each time I take a bite I can’t stop… especially when it’s my chocolate. In my room.  I ate three cream eggs earlier and I know my calorie count isn’t drastically over but…. THREE CREAM EGGS! This is why chocolate scares me because I am out of control when it’s near.  I am so exhausted and so stressed sometimes reaching for that chocolate is the only solution. This is where my irrational fear of it stems from. The binge that often occurs when it’s around. 

Maybe the reason my mind is still so disordered is because I never took full responsibility for my recovery and I never recived the correct help. Since reaching a more healthy weight any time I was under my calorie goal it was justified in my mind with “Oh it’s only one day”. This attitude is not a good one, nor is it healthy. It’s the attitude that lets the disorder in. The excuse that invited it back.

1900 one day, you want to get lower and lower and lower. The lower you get, the sicker you get. The skinnier you get, the skinnier you want to be. You aim become lowest possible intake, skinniest possible body. The untimate goal is to be empty. 0 calories, 0lb but in reality you know you’ll be dead then. It doesn’t seem to bother you however. You think your the exception. At 20lb you’ll still be fat. When in the depths of an eating disorder the idea of death never occurs to you. It’s just never ending. Each goal is nevrer enough, upon reaching each goal you set another and another and another until eventually uou are so lost that you don’t even recognise yourself anymore.

This is why I need to be strict with myself. However much I am going to hate it and however much my eating disorder will scream at me and hate me for it. I will never recover calorie counting and justifying being low on calories “just once” or skipping lunch “just once” It never is “just once”. That “just once” excuse end up being for days, weeks, months on end. The “just once” excuse can soon send everything spiriling out of control.

This whole being strict thing is unfortunatly easier said than done. I want to feel free. Eat what I want when I want. But either my ED rejects that or it gets entangles with it and I end up restricting. I hate feeling like I have to eat because “I’m low on calories” almost as much as I hate eating when I’ve had “plenty of calories”. With my eating disorder negotiation is near impossible. If I eat one cream egg I may aswell eat the rest because I’ve failed now. It’s not even like I have to gain, this in itself causes more problems. Previously being over 2000 calories was not as much the end of the world as it is now becuase I HAD TO GAIN and I used that excuse to help me through the initial stage of recovery. 

So yes. I need to be prepared for a long, hard journey ahead. The journey to recovery. The fight for my life back. Freedom from my eating disorder. I have acknowledge the problem and take action or I’ll be stuck in ED hell for life. Recovery is possible. Not easy but possible. And as Toby Mac sings. When you fall, you get back up again.