August was a weird one

Photo by Maddi Bazzocco on Unsplash

Another month of 2020 done!

August was a weird one. I moved back in with my family which is a bizzare adjustment. They don’t really understand my illnesses or why I can climb but should be using my wheelchair to get into town and back (which I’m not proficient at self propelling on uneven streets quite yet so need someone with me to push when needed) and i’ve gained weight because people keep on baking, I eat dinner with the family and there isn’t much easily accessible healthy food in the house. Although It’s not much compounded with how bloated I have been it doesn’t feel good. As I’m getting healthier with pacing I’m contemplating trying keto but I’m still not feeling like I’ll be healthy to reliably make meals daily once my masters starts so…

Despite seemingly feeling healthier with pacing, I have had some bad weeks as a result of too much walking. I’m v good at overestimating my limits and maybe that’s because with chronic illness are limits can change like the wind. You don’t always realise the week long payback you’ll get from simply walking to the doctors and back and I’m noticing the deterioration in my joints more from having to carry heavier things and the climbing walls being open again. I’m trying to stay conditioned when I feel well enough but that’s rare with having to manage other things I need to do.

In August I got my wheelchair. I did yet another training contract video interview (and then got rejected), participated in a negotiation competition and got to the final 12 and did many other things.

However it was also a month of disappointment and feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I got let go from a voluntary position. And admittedly it’s better for me that way as I could never have fitted into the neat little box required and my ME and suspected ADHD means I can’t proofread well. It would have ended up being too much stress – working for someone who wouldn’t understand and is quite frankly not my sort of person.

Although it made me feel really low for a bit and still does when I think about it because it’s a literal failure. I know it’s for the best. I just wish I was given a second chance to prove myself.

I also have the feeling that my family really doesn’t support me for leaving my job, despite it being necessary for my health and to be able to pursue what I want from life.

But that’s life. It’s full of ups and downs.

2019 in review

2019. What was that? 2019 was a year of many many tears but also so much joy and triumph. It was also something of a blur. The fact that we are now at the end of 2019 is incredible and honestly I haven’t taken enough time this year to just stop and breathe and reflect. Hence why Christmas has been full of binging Netflix and youtube because I just don’t have the energy and I am very much feeling like I need a cognitive break. (I.e a break from applications and all that fun stuff).

2019 was a year of many, many, many rejections. From grad schemes, from law jobs. I think the year actually started with me making a youtube video about being rejected from the faststream. It now has more views than I could have imagined it to get. There were tears but actually it was a necessary rejection to get. And I think it has prepared me for when I get that far with a training contract application. Which hopefully 2020 will bring!

I had to deal with some of the worst pain flares in my life but also had managed to get my pain under more control than ever. It was months of tapering up medication, which made me really anxious and paranoid. I would spend nights awake writing my dissertation because it felt more productive than laying in bed, in the dark – having panic attacks.

Why my medication did that to me when I was tapering up but it doesn’t now, I have no idea but it lead to a v off sleep pattern and meant that come exams I had to completely retrain my body – as all of my exams were morning exams.

Despite all this – the stress, tears, pain and anxiety. I seemed to find more balance in 2019 – especially through studying than ever before. Yes I still studied ridiculous hours more days than not and it got me more than what I wanted but I started trying to run again and although it caused me to crash for a week at a time and aggravated my ankles it gave me a necessary break from the stress of revision and dissertation work.

2019 was also a year of theatre. I must have gone 10 times in 2019 and I saw some amazing shows, I also not only went to my first west end first preview (come from away) but also went to my first west end opening night (&Juliet). Theatre is something that will be left behind a little in 2020 just because of where I live and because if my body can hack it I want to really dedicate myself to climbing. These theatre trips were unforgettable experiences and I definitely recommend &Juliet because it was the most fun theatre trip I’ve had of 2019. I think come from away is the best musical I saw in the year though and I saw it twice! Play wise, I only saw two – mousetrap and the curious incident of the dog in the night-time and highly recommend both of them depending on what you want, although I think curious incident gets the edge.

Everything from final exam on was blissful, and incredible but also challenging in both expected and unexpected ways.

I struggled with not having a job, although I had the offer for my current job by then and was just waiting for it to start. What a wait that was. That struggle lead me to take on a job which I wasn’t well enough to do. I don’t know what I was thinking or whether I just convinced myself I was well enough. I must have because otherwise I wouldn’t have taken it.

It lasted two weeks and I was blissfully happy although I knew my body was struggling by the end of the first week. I stupidly pushed on, scared that if I didn’t my body would give up. Hilariously despite all the adrenaline in the world, a week later my body then did give up. The job ended in me on the carpark floor for two hours. I can’t thank the people who ignored the stubborn me, weakly saying not to phone 111 and did so anyway enough. Or the people who stayed by my side for the whole two hours. I also can’t thank the person who came to the hospital with me (even though it was her job). Although I knew it was just the terrifying realities of ME, having people there made such a difference and showed me that there is humanity in this world.

This experience, and the aftermath also taught me about the importance of pacing. Now I do still push and crash. But I am slowly learning to pace enough to not crash like that again. Or atleast I think I am.

Over the summer (before this event) I went to Berlin on my own and graduated top of my class. Winning four academic awards. Berlin was blissful until the end where I experienced a trauma that although nothing happened – has taken a while to get over and it’s still not something I feel comfortable talking about. Graduation was completely unexpected. I never expected to do so well. I went in for a first and I exceeded all expectations.

I went to London for law events, went to my first pride and started my first office job. Although I could hardly walk around the house for two weeks, I was really living my best life.

Between August and November I worked full time and lived with my fam. I was kind of working in family law and honestly I miss it. Although it was quite a boring job and there wasn’t much work to be done, I miss family law. Or maybe it’s just law I miss. I’m not sure. It also taught me that you need to be hella emotionally strong to work in family law, and I did know that before but I didn’t really understand how much until I was dealing with it every day.

In November I moved to the other end of the country, which has been a rollercoaster and a half even within the same day sometimes. I’ve realised how much energy living with my family takes from me – which sounds bad but it’s the extra stimulation. I went through 50 shades of stress and tears with wifi, work, doctors and medication. But I also started climbing again as I’m sure my last few posts would have you gather.

I have no new climbing snaps but I have done so much more than I ever thought I would. I started like “lets just do greens” on my first session back. Inevitably ended up realising many of them were too easy and challenged myself a little more. (Like up to V1). By my second session I had got a few V2s and potentially a V3. The year ended with me getting my first V4 in 3-4 years. I’ve said this before and I’ll say this again. I sincerely lack muscle. So it’s not as easy for me as it was 3-4 years ago. And certainly not as it was back when I was 16 and could do pullups on four finger crimps.

Technique really is all I have. Although I think the strength is building and will build as 2020 goes on. My first bouldering session of 2020 will be anti-style V1s. I.e the V1 oranges in the gym that are still up when I go and that I can’t do yet. Now these are V1s that are as anti-style as we can get. Often combining many anti-styles as I’ve not just been working slabby slabs! I’ve been doing a much wider variety of problem since coming back into the sport.

It will be a mentally challenging session, what with worrying that people in the gym think I’m useless. I tend to crumble under pressure. It’s not good. My best moments in climbing are never seen. But it is a necessary step to becoming a more well rounded boulderer. My goal for 2020 is to be back up to the V5s but to be more consistent with them. Now absolute anti-style V5s may be a stretch but a consistent good variety of V5s is what I’m aiming for and maybe we’ll surpass that.

That’s all I have to say for now. I hope you all have an enjoyable, productive and transformative 2020. There will be challenges, as in every year but none that cannot be faced.

Working, Climbing and Endo Flare’s

Disclaimer: All climbing pictures are of me in 2016.Seeing as last weeks week in the life went down so well I thought this weeks post should be another week in the life, so without further ado lets start.

Monday came, as Monday always comes. I had work cause 9-5 life so of course I did and blew up some balloons and did some more shadowing. I also noticed that I was feeling a lot more settled than I did last week, which was nice. I cancelled by BT contract and ordered a data dongle (which hilariously got delivered home home) I had climbing in the evening as a signed up to a technique coaching which was really chill and a really nice refresher of all the things I know but are really hard to put into practice once your on the wall and panicking. I also pushed myself put of my comfort zone and achieved things I wouldn’t have been able to do when I was stronger a few years ago because they would have been so far out of said comfort zone. I used to do V5s on slabs but put me on an overhang and no. Now I’m a consistent V1-3 (almost). It makes me really happy to see how much I’ve come on just in a few weeks really! I’m not amazing but I’m improving and trying my best and that’s what matters.

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Tuesday we won fourth place for our decorations at work. I did more cutting, more shadowing and we had a few snowball fights. My endo pain was really bad on Tuesday and not in that sort of majorly overcompensaty way but in that I’m kind of overcompensating but also very easily irritated and if you know me well enough very much showing it. I came home roasted some veggies tried the quorn chicken fillets which are the closest thing to chicken I’ve had without actually being chicken. Blew my mind. When looking to try and empty my dropbox I found my graduation – realised just how cringe I look just before I go up the 2nd time. Deffo not TV material nor photogenic. I then found it funny that me. Me of all people graduated top of the class. If you think about it, I spent most of first year unable to sit through 30 minutes of a class without beyond excruciating endometriosis pain cause it really affected my bladder at the time. I then relapsed into ME and ended up largely bed bound. It was thanks to my uni being so helpful and moving me to the centre of campus for third year that I could attend any lectures atall. I fought through severe pain, pain I cannot deal with now without getting close to losing it. I’m honestly so proud of myself. I may not have a graduate job but that’s okay. I know I will one day.

Wednesday was hell on earth. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to at work cause of where I was sitting and my assigned reading took an hour. With the extra reading I assigned myself another hour but it was v boring and v slow although I was fortunate enough to get told to go home early and being the team player I am – I posted a letter on my way home. I feel like my line manager is a bit too touchy feely false nicey. But I don’t know. Such is life. I seem to attract people like that. Like seriously so I’m used to it and I’m happy and once I start doing actual work I’ll be happier. My endo was causing some kidney pain in my right kidney (well presumably cause the patterns of pain) and my left ovary and I partially dislocated my right ankle on my way home. I went climbing and we did some dyno work and I tried campusing for the first time! It was very fun although I have no upper body strength so had to rely on swinging alone and as a result couldn’t get far. The campusing also caused my endometriosis to flare and lead to some intense pain from kidneys down.  I also did two blues (so like V2/3 ish)  that I couldn’t do on Monday and I did them with ease. Funny that isn’t it. Also story of my life. Can’t do something one day, flashes it the next.

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As a result we sported the sleep deprived Han on Thursday. And v nauseous and ya know when you start getting those contraction like pains in your uterus. That was me. But I had log ins at work. Worked numerous cases and asked if I needed to go home more than once but did I actually go home early? Nah. The thing with being chronically ill is that it can always get worse. And what then? Working full time with them is about utilising those sick periods and sick days carefully. And do you know what, it’s a balance I need to learn to strike. I’ve been working full time (different roles) since August and not one sick day yet, I plan to keep it that way although what with me wanting a gyne referral and a laparoscopy it won’t. And the nature of chronic illness in general is that it won’t. But a     girl can dream. I got home, tried to get some nutrition in me and then felt beyond unbearably sick so didn’t move all night. It had fortunately eased before sleep time though because otherwise it would have been another sleepless night.

Friday I didn’t feel great when I woke up and wasn’t sure if it was PEM from the climbing sesh on Wednesday starting or just my ME being it’s usual self and interrupting with my mornings. We had a team pizza lunch at work which was nice and I definitely established that my ME symptoms were PEM throughout the afternoon. I literally came home. Napped. Got up to get food and ended up stuck on the floor. So yah PEM.

Fair to say I then didn’t get out of bed until 10am this morning! I’m currently in the library to upload this and do some application work then I’ll go back home and rest and probably make Christmas cards to keep me occupied as I don’t think I’ll be well enough to read the challenging book I’ve started and I only decided to make xmas cards today! With 4 days to go. Yes I know my stupidity.

One more climb before Christmas! Likely Monday after work as the climbing bug has hit me hard again. And I would miss it too much otherwise. Will take it easy if I’m half as pre-syncope like as I am today but gonna go!

Happy holidays everyone. I’ll be back next week with the big 2019 post!