I focused down on trying to get my mandatory uni work done for the week so I could focus in on revision and getting ahead on prep for the rest of the week. I tried to ground myself with worship music. Anything that takes the edge off the depression is good. I had stage one of my autism assessment, which I got really anxious about but came out positively. Confirming I am likely autistic and having arranged a full assessment. My bank account isn’t happy but it’s a matter I need closure on. I skipped my physio exercises which I was going to do whilst running a bath because I was too depressed. Sometimes that depression paralysis just gets you and takes you. I had a bath, watched spinning out, planned my week and then stayed up a little too late doing a little research for my Case Study project on a subject I’m really passionate about.
I got up early as I had a meeting and the dog has taken to being particularly needy in the mornings. I came out of the meeting positive and glad that I have a resource to go to for any career related questions. Sometimes you forget how important social interaction is and maybe that’s because I’m probably autistic and some social interaction is very draining. But I was actually energised and positive coming out of it until the high crashed and the depression swarmed over me again. My pain was bad and muscles tight from skipping physio and productivity was difficult. Sometimes I just feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way out. More worship music to ground. Helped but still no focus.
No wifi, no laptop. Tried to study without and didn’t get as far as I would have liked. I went for a walk/run and embaressed myself by failing to traverse a kids traverse wall but the slippy muddy trainers and holds + the dog in one arm made it a challenge. It gave me so much serotonin though so watch me embarrass myself in a kids playpark with a secondhand pair of climbing shoes. Muddy trainers+muddy holds are hard! And then more tears the feeling of having another barrier stacked up against you when you already face so many is hard!
More tears. Family being insensitive and not realising how much I hurt. We do love it. I stupidy went on another walk and wasted time. Yeah it’s good to help keep my muscles loose and not sore but already feeling so behind that two hours from driving time and tesco + the walk felt unjustified. This is why I don’t go out with my family. I had a therapy assessment and told my depression is moderately severe. It was hard but hopefully I’ll be able to get some support soon and start feeling better.
Payback but having to push through. Unable to see properly, feel legs, pressure headache worse than usual. Went from despairingly low to hyper. Spent a few hours doubled up on the floor with ovulation pain. Had a dance round my room in a hyper moment. Pain came back, had a bath to ease it a little because even co-codomal wouldn’t touch it and did some volunteering.
Endo is a bitch ft more payback and lots of drop attacks. I started some negotiation prep after revising and practicing my assessment.
Bladder flares, endo flares idk what but it felt like something was pressing down on my pelvis and everything hurt. My bod is not a fun bod sometimes. I did more revision and practice for my assessment. I started spinning out all over again because Justin and Kat’s love gives me serotonin, Dasha is queen and Carol is a bitch but her workwear is goals and her comments sometimes make me laugh. I actually felt pretty good mentally on Sunday, which was refreshing.