It’s never enough

I always feel like I’m not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not trying enough.

Sometimes it’s in the back of my mind other times, if something triggers this.

Someone doing something amazing whilst I feel I’m sitting there stagnant or going backwards.

Rejection upon rejection upon rejection.

Waiting for emails. Emails of yet more rejections or hopefully good news.

Scrolling down linkedin or legal insta to find everyone getting training contract offers when you have nothing.

Everyone else having confidence to start various initiatives and you not.

Because who would care? Who would help?

People say you don’t network in the right way.

You can’t maintain relationships with people because you pushed all your friends away in the second year of university when you had zero mental health.

You are just simply not enough.

I don’t know how much of this is my poor self esteem as a result of never feeling heard as a child. At school, by my family. A result of emotional neglect/abuse. Or how much of it is a result of being chronically ill and when your chronically ill society expects you to be extroadinary.

To reach goals that most people don’t reach and be an inspiration.

If you don’t your just lazy. A burden on everyone.

It doesn’t help that I genuinely want to reach said goals.

Personally I think it’s a combination of the two causing my feelings of never enough.

I already push myself so much to do things and to function and to live life as close to how I want it as possible that when I see other people meeting standards that I expect of myself I feel like I’m not enough. People say I should do more or atleast insinuate it but there is no way I can fit more in.

I need to try and climb as it’s the only exercise I can tolerate and being conditioned makes a massive difference to my pain levels. It also gives me life.

I’m leaving my job but up until said point I am having to drag myself through 8 hours a day. 8 hours where the pressure in my head feels unbearable, Where my vision will start to fade on sitting up and where the brain fog is so thick that I don’t really trust myself.

I’m doing law things alongside.

Moving home to try and take care of my health before I start my LPC.

I can’t fit more in.

I find it funny that we are expected to be inspiarations but if a healthy person got my symptoms for a week it’s okay for them to do the bare minimum.

Why is this? Why has society developed in this f*cked up abelist way? I know I’m not the only one who suffers because of it, so if you do to you are not alone and you are enough.

Feeling useless

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Do you ever feel so useless that the slightest critique gets to you?
Do you ever have such low self esteem that everything feels like a personal attack?

Or is it just me?

I don’t know why but I have no self-esteem. I constantly feel like I am of no value, a burden… useless…

I get over it at times. I feel great. But it’s still underlying and lingering in the background.

I feel unaccepted in the things I do.

The decisions I make.

I feel trapped – like a bird – desperate to fly but not given the space to do anything.

Maybe that’s why I just booked a holiday to Berlin even though my life’s so uncertain right now…

So I can fly. So I feel less useless.

So I can explore, be independent and grow. To escape from the toxic environment I am in.

Recovering from low self esteem is a long winding road. It’s certainly not linear.  But it is possible if your given the right space and time to heal.

Sometimes it won’t feel possible. If you’re going through a vulnerable patch but it is! And if your experiencing this, you need to keep going. Keep pushing yourself and putting yourself out there and it will get better!