The one where I discuss loneliness and always feeling like an outcast

Essentially more of Han moaning about her fam to get the point across, also I’ve been watching friends, which explains the title.

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I’ve been noticing it more as I’ve got older and since I’ve matured into an adult in my family. That not being included in anything, not being listened to and not being heard. I’ve also noticed it in committee meetings, in friendship groups. When it comes to it no one ever hears what I say and I feel invisible.

And that’s it. That’s my life.

And then one wonders why I have mental health issues the way I do. Why I feel like no one cares. Why I struggle to make friends and talk to people.

Why I just feel so incredibly alone…

Especially now I’m seeing my brothers be listened to and included.

I wonder…. I wonder what it is that wrong with me.

I was inspired to talk about this because I ended up going to my nans this morning and now deeply regretting it. Thinking it would only be a couple of hours and now realising it’s taken up the entire day. At least all the energy I have to do useful things due to my ME/CFS. I had plans. But I went because… well I felt like I had to.

To go to not feel rewarded or valued and be intentionally left out. To not be included in any conversation. To now realise we’re staying for lunch and there’s nothing I can eat because I have to be plant based due to health issues.

I ate dairy yesterday and still regret it today because it genuinely feels like it just stays in my stomach forever.

To not know when we can go home so I can work on my interview prep that I have planned and after having been dragged on a dog walk I doubt I’ll have the energy to read, process information and write.

I can’t be the only one to feel this way. The only one to just not fit in…

The only one who just does not get on with there family full stop but until a job comes it’s way in a formal manner cannot do anything but live with them.

The one who desperately tries to please everyone but it’s never enough….

And I need someone to talk to. I think everyone needs someone to talk to if there in this situation. They need to feel loved, accepted, cared for. And society needs to help facilitate this. Going back to my previous post this may be a situation where social media is a force for good. But we also need real people in the real world to talk to.

I think this is why many people who report similar situation end up in abusive relationships… because it’s so easy to get sucked in and give the benefit of the doubt if you’ve never felt loved accepted or listened to.

Us more than ever, need safe spaces. Need an out, need options.

Need unconditional love. And at the very least – like minded people to talk to. To lessen the feelings of loneliness.

We need hope and faith that there is always and out and it will get better. At some point it will. Maybe not now and maybe not forever.

We need to see the light. To understand it’s not because it’s something wrong with us. And it’s also not our fault.

I find because of my experience I put a lot of blame on myself.

But anyway. I’m aware this post had no structure. I just want everyone to think. To think about what they could do to those of us in society who don’t look lonely but are. I want everyone to remember that they can’t see what happens behind closed doors and to look for warning signs.

Is someone quieter than usual, on the contrary are they being more needy than usual, are they acting out at school, grades dropping, self harming. Are they placing blame on themselves a lot, or making any other concerning statements? Less active on social media?

Keep an eye out on things and take action. It doesn’t have to be huge. It can be as little as just reaching out. But I do hope those in power to change things take action. Build awareness and programmes in the community to help us feel included.

Those of us left out. Left behind. Misunderstood. We deserve more.

Dealing with family

Family. You either love them or hate them, or maybe it’s a bit of both.

This blog post will be about dealing with family and the difficulties there, especially if, like me you are unfortunately graced with family whom you aren’t all that close to be that for any reason.

Speaking for myself it stems from an emotional neglect and medical neglect with I keep on blaming myself for.

So many years went by with my parents not knowing me at all. Where they didn’t have the time for me, didn’t support me the way I needed them to and didn’t accept me for me. And now – living with them again. Well I can’t say it’s easy.

Now, my current position means I am definitely not one for giving advice in negotiating and managing relationships with family. But I do hope the rest of this post may help give anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation some solace.

You are not alone. I know I feels like it. I do. I know emotional abuse, neglect, or any other negative family member can cause you to feel incredibly alone. It harms your development and the harm will never leave. But you are not alone. There will always be someone you can talk to – there are phone lines, there’s 7 cups of tea. So even if there is no one in the real world – you are not alone.

I know it sounds corny but it will all work out in the end and everything happens for a reason. Yes the harm is long lasting and there will be nights you spend in tears, having flashbacks. If you have younger siblings, yes this will hurt when they are being treated better than you are.

But I promise you. It will work out.

And if anyone ever needs to vent you can always DM be on insta @Spoonielivingfree. 6595526295_7fa79fd6e7_z

Between Fiction and Reality.

I’ve noticed something. I’m happier when I’m out of reality. Obsessing over TV shows. Fictional characters. Fanfictions, roleplays. I guess the reason I’m writing about it is because I recognise it is a problem. I’m actually in tears right now. I can’t handle real life anymore. I’m such a skank it’s not even funny. I can’t keep my room tidy and I have such severe anxiety around my family that I struggle to shower or have a bath when there in. I havn’t washed my hair in over a week because I feel I’m being judged for turning the shower on. I feel I’m getting in someones way, being a burdan. The only way I can wash is by turning taps on in the sink and using some shower gel or whatever. It’s like unless I’m told I just physically can’t bring myself to shower. I’m too scared, which is why I try to wash in a way people won’t know… I’m scared of being judged for everything I do because that’s what my parents do. They are the most judgemental people ever.

Thing is. I was happy. Happy when I was lost in the world of brothers and sisters. Ok I still havw that ever impeding feeling of how I’m going to fail my GCSE’s because I ever seem to revise enough and none of it ever goes in but atleast I was happy. This has been happening for years now. More noticably when I started to roleplay. It provided an escape. I don’t know what from, but something. I cannot remember a time when I have been happier in the last 2 years than when I was roleplaying. A time I felt so free from reality. 

I recognise this is not healthy and honestly I am fully aware of how much of a pathetic, weak failure I am and how I will get nowhere in life. It’s not even like my life is that bad. I don’t have a relationship with my mum atall anymore and my brothers always take top priority in the family but that’s nothing compared to people who are paralysed, have cancer, living in extreme poverty. It’s nothing.

I guess this is why I feel so guilty. So Self-centered. Like I’m the only important one. In part I’m jelous. I envy everyone around me. Everyone who can shower, everyone who meets up with there friends and makes something of their spare time, instead of just sitting around getting lost in fiction. Another reason I can attribute to this fictional obsession is longing. The desperation for someone to help me, save me from myself and the need for a mother. And yes I have a mum, I have a dad. Were the classic nuclear family. But what I mean but I want a mother has nothing to do with genetics or the Edexcel GCSE Religious Studies, Marriage and Family Life topic.

What I mean when I say I want a mother is this.

  • Someone I can talk to when I just need someone to talk to.
  • Someone who will hug me and tell me it will all be ok.
  • Someone to help when I need it.
  • Someone who tells me she loves me, Shows me she loves me.
  •  Someone who pays attention to me. Seems happy to be around me. 
  • Someone who shows intrest in my day.
  • Someone who will pick me after school when I have to stay back late (Walking when it’s getting dark is not fun)
  • Someone who listens to and respects me.
  • Someone Honest who doesn’t bitch about me behind my back.
  • Someone who doens’t make an argument out of everything I say and do. 

I guess many of my problems are associated with my lack of mother. I have the genetic figure but her actions are far from mother like towards me. My brothers well that’s a different story. I guess my obsession with fiction really does filter down to this though. My need for someone who is there for me, loves me unconditionaly and shows it.