March has been such a month that I feel like there should be an entire blog post dedicated to it. I think I’ve hinted that I was previously running myself into the ground and March was the month my body said no.
It actually didn’t start horrifically and by that I mean the first couple of days of the month weren’t too bad. I onsighted all the things within my grade range on the autos up at the time. Even a 6b on the continuous overhang. And if you know me you know that the continuous overhang is hell! The pump is real but I stayed calm, focused on body positioning and somehow it happened.
The month then very quickly deteriorated. Both in terms of my health and my ability to climb. Although I did find ways around my bodies extra limitations and was climbing the same grades where it suited and could find a unique beta to compensate! Some things were also going on at work at the end of February which were negatively impacting on my mental health. I hated being in the office and believed by team hated me. I was over it by the second week of March but I do suspect the extra stress didn’t do me any good.
The month involved a lot of pretending I was okay through extreme dizziness and pressure in the back of my head. Through muscle weakness and balance issues. Through a non-existent level of concentration and decreased cognitive function. It took a toll on my work performance (although I will still largely hitting stats…) and meant I couldn’t project and step the climbing up a notch.
It also involved a lot of openly admitting that I wasn’t okay. Sitting on the mats, feeling incredibly dizzy and clearly not looking well. Openly admitting to my line manager and her manager that my ME is flaring and I wasn’t doing particularly great. I found I didn’t have the energy to get up early enough to put make up on anymore and if I did I felt so dizzy that I had to take mornings super slowly.
My mask well and truly gone.
I came 16th in a climbing competition, both in that round and on the overall. Topping 9 problems – which is more than I managed the previous month. I think the setting just suited me a lil better but maybe that’s a sign of actual progress. Had a great time with friends, adrenalined up because my façade is important. Not for other people but for myself.
For one night I was a normal 22 year old.
I got a grade 2 hamstring strain and did some damage to the ligaments in the back of my knee. Climbed with one leg 2 days later because both got too painful. Not for my pain tolarence but because I knew I was injured although at that point had not gone to get it checked out.
March might actually be the month I saw some sense. Yes my body forced me to stop. I was well and truly done. That first sick day and a half. I couldn’t sit through that endometriosis pain for another minute. I couldn’t sit through those ME symptoms for another minute.
But I also saw some sense. At some point something clicked and I was like no.
Health first. (I say this all the time then we swiftly give up)
I got my leg checked out after it hadn’t improved in four days. Something I wouldn’t normally do which is why I still have so many lasting injuries. I’ve had a back injury since the end of November.
I peaced out of the office at 9:30 one morning because my ME was not playing and used some sense by taking the next day off.
I expressed by concerns over the you know what situation and peaced out for a further 10 days.
Ironically I then got a suspected case of you know what that night. If that doesn’t describe ME in a nutshell I don’t know what does. My body finally saw a chance to rest and it got sick.
The last nearly two weeks have been spent trying to be productive and get what I need done, mainly from laying on the couch. They have also been spent unable to walk unaided, collapsing, passing out. Unable to cook, which fortunately for me I had sufficiently meal prepped minus a chilli I had to make. (By make I mean put beans in a pan, put sweetcorn in the pan, put the jar of sauce in a pan and bobs your uncle).
I have ordered pizzas because I’ve not been able to stomach the food I have nor go to a shop to get the food. There’s been lots of naps. Lots of being unable to nap but feeling too unwell to do anything. And I mean anything.
I’ve had many symptoms I’ve not had in a while and it’s been scary.
The world has changed and horrible as it sounds it’s nice to not feel inadequate because of my ME. It’s nice to not have to deal with the “I can’t say no” when I’m invited somewhere that would likely give me payback.
It’s nice to not have to try to be a normal functioning 22 year old yet still falling short.
God has definitely carried be through the times. I’ve got through being sick before. I can do it again, as long as I put the work in. Take the supplements I have, gentle movement, slowly getting more intense as I recover from this virus (I mean slowly). The church. In terms of the physical space doesn’t exist right now for many of us, if not all of us reading this. But we can still find ways to worship and feel gods presence. I’m going to join an online service at 6pm tonight. Can these online services last pls! Faith is how I stay grounded.
This month has been a weird one. For everyone. But we’re nearly through it. The weather is currently glorious, although I’m currently in a dressing gown with my electric blanket on and my heating on… It’s sunny. And hopefully as spring and summer come in there will be more sun to come!
That’s it from me. How’s March been for you?