I guess this is a follow on from my post exam depression post and quick disclaimer – technically speaking I haven’t graduated yet, I graduate next week. But for all meaningful purposes – I have finished my final year at uni and am currently waiting for two provisional offers to manifest and stressing because I like to catastrophise and prepare for the worst – mentally.
Meanwhile I see everyone else getting on in life and doing amazing things.
And I feel a little lost. I feel like I’m not good enough – I’m not trying hard enough. Hilariously today I’m pretty much bed bound due to my CFS. I can’t adrenaline my way through job applications. The research required for the training contract application that needs to be accomplished for the week is too much for my cognitive fatigue right now. I feel like I’m not allowed to rest because I haven’t got THE job yet. As if not having THE job defines me as unsuccessful in comparison with everyone else.
Suddenly everyone is thrown into the real world – competing for that lucrative job. Because I have two provisional offers I’m not aggressively applying for admin assistant roles until September. I feel bad for that. I feel bad for putting my time and energy into training contracts and mini pupillages for that long term plan. (Essentially ideally I’d be a barrister but a solicitor would be the more secure way and I want that security. I am also not in a financially privileged position. I couldn’t work much throughout my degree due to illness. So a training contract and later becoming a solicitor advocate is more realistic).
I don’t know. Maybe it’s because my parents have always told me I can’t. They’ve never encouraged me or nurtured my ambition so I believe I shouldn’t have it….
And my parents and ambition nurturing is another blog post entirely, but I think that’s where it comes from.
It’s difficult managing the post graduate unemployed life. When you have limited funds and no income it can be hard to justify going travelling or paying £600 for that 3 day summer school that sounds really interesting if Job 1 doesn’t manifest. Both things I am contemplating. But volunteer abroad programmes are expensive (my travels would have to add to my CV).
It’s no wonder research shows over 40% of graduates suffer with feelings of depression. Because it is difficult. People expect things of you, you feel useless, like your somehow wasting time.
It is at this time that looking after mental health becomes so important. If you have chronic illness – don’t feel bad for resting when you need to. It is at this time that it is your responsibility and no one else’s to ensure you are well enough to be as productive of a member of society as is possible and realistic for you. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t fulfil peoples requests from you. If they give you shit about it – they don’t understand and unfortunately for some people (i.e my family) no amount of trying will make them understand. Take time for yourself – do things you enjoy. Go on a little holiday. Remember that this is only a temporary phase and that it will all work out in the end. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan. Whatever it is that helps you get through.
You will be okay, you will get through this uncertain period. Yes it’s difficult but many of us feel the same. If social media is harmful avoid it – or just avoid certain platforms and remember that there is always someone to talk to.