A year today, I started my recovery Journey. At this point I do not think I was underweight, or if I was it was very borderline. That’s because you don’t have to be underweight to have an eating disorder and you don’t have to be underweight to recover.

I have relapsed, ended up “significantly undwerweight” as my triggering doctor mentioned, that day when I entered the room, alone, wanting to recovery but not wanting to recover. I said I ate normally but that was a lie. That was september 1st 2013. I started recovering before-hand. A year ago today.

After a few long talks with my mentor I didn’t want to stay sick. I didn’t want food to be such the controlling power it had become over the past 5 years. I chose to try and fight against it. Actually make an effort to eat “Normally” At first I did lose a little more weight, then I maintained. I was only eating 1200 calories, but it was a good start. I started to increase my calories, knowing I needed to gain weight. 2000-2500. I tried to eat healthily. It was all good. Actually recovery was quite fun.

UNTIL

That morning… that dreadful morning in the summer holidays when I had stepped on the scales and gained 1/2lb. YES 1/2LB So I started restricting again, 900-1200 calories if I remember rightly. I lost 2lb in 3 days…. Don’t ask me how. On Holiday straight after I had a raging appittie and ate 4000+ calories most day, I am sure of it. Although it was all unknown and therefor could not count. I gained 3lb that week. That’s when the relapse really started.

I was underweight already but 3lb. It was too much! That was when I started restricting to a MAXIMUM of 900 calories a day. I tried to fight it. Part of me still wanted to get better. I tried to challenge myself, I just felt so awful. I thre food in the bin, pretended I had eaten it. I remember once I had awful knee pain and wouldn’t take ibuprofen. Do you know why?

Because of 0.5 calories

Now that’s just a little extreme right? I had to be empty, I barley at any of dinner with my family, but just enough to keep them unsuspecting. As the weight dropped off the fights started. I found it hugely unfair that my brothers didn’t have to eat dinner but I did? It wasn’t even like I had much of an appitite by that point, I could only eat a few mouthfulls and I felt sick to my stomach. It was awful.

As I had said previously, I was trying to fight it, it was just so hard. That was when I started to binge and oh god did that make me feel awful. See I have this phobia of throwing up and I had binged 4 times within a week. That sunday evening I couldn’t sleep. I felt so sick, I knew it was because of the food. I remember spending nights purposfully keeping the window open, leaving off the duvet, doing endless sit-ups and lunges. Anything to burn off all that fat. Discretly burn off that fat, without my parents knowing.

I remember when my form tutor said “It’s because you are slim.” SLIM! SLIM! That wasn’t good enough for me. When a class mate said “Your so incredibly skinny.” That was good enough for me. “Skinny. Skinny.” Yes I liked that, being refered to as skinny.

So at some stage picked myself back up, I got my dad to make me breakfast to make sure I ate it. 2 slices of toast. 1 Jam. (NO BUTTER OR SPREAD) 1 Marmite (NO BUTTER OR SPREAD). That was when I really started to get better and also when recovery turned into some sort of living hell at times. When I realsed how triggering the world truly is.

Not many people knew about my eating disorder, at first. Eventually I learnt to become more open about it. Which is why I started blogging. I want to raise awareness and show people that they are not alone in this.

The weight gain stage is terrifying, stepping on the scales is terrifing. Even today. There are some days I can’t bring myself to eat cake, some days I can’t bring myself to eat lunch, or dinner. Some days I majorly overeat. (Like today) But I can honestly say things get better. I am in a better position both mentally and phsycially than I was this time last year. I’m happier, I can walk up the stairs without feeling like I’m about to have a heart attack and I actually enjoy life; even though most of it is spent in my room atm cause exams and shiz.

I weighed in at 9st this morning. I still feel fat, I still feel like it’s too much and I havn’t come to accpet my body fully yet but I am getting there and I am working towards it. I give myself days where I don’t count calories atall. (Weekends) and only rough estimate some of the time. Now I am trying to learn to listen to my body. It’s hard, but in the end I am sure that it will be worth it.

The last year has been a whirlwind full of emotions but if there is one thing I would like to end this on, it’s that:

Recovery is worth it. 


Pre-ED age 9: Summer 2007
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Recovery Snaps 🙂

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Death.

I guess upon hearing the news about one of my year 8 teachers dyeing, it hit me. Death can happen to anyone at any time and more often than not it happens to the most kind-hearted, caring and helpful people. Those beautiful on the inside and out. People who have influenced the lives of many. 

She was always happy. She made RE exciting! I never really tried in RE in year 8 but she never got mad. Thing is until having her as a teacher  we had those annoying teachers who just drum catholisism into you and make the subject boring. Strict teachers that although may know a lot they didn’t know how to engage students. Re was a bore until January 2011. I remember hearing she had cancer. I was so shocked. She was so young! I guess this was the first time Cancer really impacted upon my life. Yes the odd family member here and there had suffered but I’d either A) Never met them or B) Was too young you remember them. That following may my great grandad died. I didn’t know him all to well either. So I guess it never really bothered me too much… 

Then came december.  My auntie was diagnosed with Cancer. This really did impact upon me. She is such an amazing, inspiring, kind-hearted person. Somewhen after that. Marchish… 2012. That same RE teacher was a supply for this french lesson. She seemed ok. Happy, full of life. This gave me hope that my Auntie would be ok. That she would recover and thankfully my auntie did. She beat cancer.

Miss Dickens… unfortunatly. She lost the fight and I guess it just came as a shock a reminder that life shouldn’t be taken for granted and that everyone dies eventually. That woman who impacted positivly on so many lifes… gone. At the young age of 25 too! I guess you could argue that because of this there isn’t a god but what you have to understand here is that god works in mysterious ways. I guess when suffering hits home you have to belive something good will come out of it! Drawing back on Miss Dickens death I worry for my aunt. Lots of my online friends recantly have had aunties die from/be diagnosed with cancer and one of my friends aunts died a couple of months back. Even when recovered from cancer you can’t be sure it won’t come back. My great auntie got it twice! I guess there’s no such thing as fate. Ultimatly there will never be a happy ever after and no one has a perfect life. People get sick, people die. The path someone takes in life and your death date… It’s not fixed. Life isn’t linear and there is no such thing as destiny. No such thing as fate. Fate… It twists and turns and bends the rules. A great friend told me that one a couple of years back and it’s true. Yes I life loved by many is lost but you can’t say that’s the end. Maybe a cure could come out of it… Or just more awareness. She had a very rare form of cancer. (Ewing’s sarcoma)

Anyway. I fear I’ve veared of topic a little. I remember when Amy Ratnett died. Another amazing person. A beautiful soul. She too lost her fight. Not with cancer but with her eating disorder. This made me realise… you never belive your going to die. Think your the special case but truth is it’s recovery or death. Pretty much like Cancer. You get better or you die. I guess they’re both one and the same really. Just one physical and one mental. 

Opening my eyes. Comming out of my disorder and slowly back into the real world. I’ve realised bad things happen all the time. Suffering is all around us but not all is bad. Life is beautiful, goodness can come from anything and everything.. Beauty is all around us and life. It’s just a mix of the good and bad. What I have learnt is you should never take anything for granted because you never know when you might lose it and never have you destroyed your life because it will always work out in the end. 

So yes that concludes this incredibly long blog post. Death is inevitable but that doesn’t always have to be bad and it doesn’t mean life is over. Live the best life you can and your soul will live on; in the hearts and minds of those who you touched.