Role-play

This post is a little more serious and on a different topic than many of my posts which are more focused around my eating disorder and recovery journey from that. Ok, so as the title says this post will be about role-playing.

I’ve been role-playing since the age of 14, it quickly became an addiction. My escape from the horrid reality of my life. The escape from bullying, emotional abuse, school stress. It’s my safe haven. A safe haven which isn’t so safe.

Role-playing can be very dangerous. Not all role-play. But some. When in control it is fine, safe. It’s just a bit of fun then. The problem lies when it gets out of control. When it becomes an addiction. When the role-play affects your real life.

Things for me have been losing friends over it, becoming paranoid, over past experiences and living in the world of the character, role-playing so often that in my mind I was always out of the real world and in the mind of my character. I find role-play has also isolated me quite a bit. I already had social anxiety and generally don’t mix well with people but I think the obsession with role-play hs made it harder for me to make new friends because I don’t know how to hve a friend, I don’t know how to speak to people… I don’t know anything really.

In a way I guess role-playing is childish. Regressing back to when you played little fantasy games as a child because they made you happy.. You were safe back then. Role-play is similer  in the fact that is does make you happy. For a while. But then it spins out of control and your even unhappier than you were before but your addicted and you can’t escape.  It’s like you just don’t know how to be happy.

Your still trapped in the childlike mind of thinking that if you pretend it will all be ok and because it was all OK for a while you want to pretend some more because maybe pretending will make it all better once again.

Slenderman

I guess this recent Stabbing in Wisconsin will mean there is going to be a load more shit about the dangers of the internet and how it is ruining minors today. I am outraged by this event and I guess you just have to know where to draw the line between fiction and reality. I actually wrote an article in my english exam yesterday on the matter of social networking sites being banned. I disagreed, why should these sites be banned just because a few people misuse them? It is not fair on everyone else and it is not fair that because of this even people will probably belive all who like creepypasta’s, such as myself are psycho, or that ceepypasta causes that. IT DOESN’T!

It’s not even like it’s anywhere on the creepy pasta Wiki that he has this mansion or that he has ever told anyone to kill someone else.

These girls quite probably have some form of psychoisis, and whether the internet had anything to do with that or not, I don’t know. What I do know is some people have genetic predisposisions to mental illnesses and some do not. It does not mean they all get a mental illness or kill because of it.

And back onto the topic of the internet. I am a very heavy internet user. At the moment I am working on writing my criminal minds fanfiction. And I’m sure alarm bells are probably ringing. Yes I admit I used to roleplay and get lost in a fantasy world but I knew when to draw that line. 

I would never kill over some fantasy world, I may get angry and be all like “Oh I’m going to kill her.” But I never mean it. I could never pick up a knife and stab someone once, let alone 19 times! I could never shoot or strangle someone. I just hope people realise that not everyone who reads creepy pastas and likes slendy, Jeff, Sonic.exe and all the rest of the creepy pasta’s are psycho. And that just because of this isolated incident things like this don’t get banned, because it is something many of us enjoy in a safe way. 

I wouldn’t kill for Jeff the killer, Somnic.exe, Slenderman or Ben drowned. (They are my fav creepy pasta’s) And I know many other people who wouldn’t also. It is just something we enjoy, just like other people are fans of other things. But just because we watch videos for these characters, we draw these characters and write fanfiction for these characters id doesn’t mean we would kill for them. Or kill because of them.

Same with roleplay, just because people roleplay as Jeff the Killer, Roleplay as slenderman, roleplay as Ben Drowned, it doens’t mean we belive we are them or they want us to kill someone for them. And we definatly would never do it.

Anyway that’s all I have to say. I’m just angry I guess. I hope this incident doesn’t ruin it for everyone as it would not be fair on the majority of us who enjoy it in a safe way.

ARTICLE ON THE STABBING http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-27684258

SLENDERMAN: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_Slender_Man

 

 

Between Fiction and Reality.

I’ve noticed something. I’m happier when I’m out of reality. Obsessing over TV shows. Fictional characters. Fanfictions, roleplays. I guess the reason I’m writing about it is because I recognise it is a problem. I’m actually in tears right now. I can’t handle real life anymore. I’m such a skank it’s not even funny. I can’t keep my room tidy and I have such severe anxiety around my family that I struggle to shower or have a bath when there in. I havn’t washed my hair in over a week because I feel I’m being judged for turning the shower on. I feel I’m getting in someones way, being a burdan. The only way I can wash is by turning taps on in the sink and using some shower gel or whatever. It’s like unless I’m told I just physically can’t bring myself to shower. I’m too scared, which is why I try to wash in a way people won’t know… I’m scared of being judged for everything I do because that’s what my parents do. They are the most judgemental people ever.

Thing is. I was happy. Happy when I was lost in the world of brothers and sisters. Ok I still havw that ever impeding feeling of how I’m going to fail my GCSE’s because I ever seem to revise enough and none of it ever goes in but atleast I was happy. This has been happening for years now. More noticably when I started to roleplay. It provided an escape. I don’t know what from, but something. I cannot remember a time when I have been happier in the last 2 years than when I was roleplaying. A time I felt so free from reality. 

I recognise this is not healthy and honestly I am fully aware of how much of a pathetic, weak failure I am and how I will get nowhere in life. It’s not even like my life is that bad. I don’t have a relationship with my mum atall anymore and my brothers always take top priority in the family but that’s nothing compared to people who are paralysed, have cancer, living in extreme poverty. It’s nothing.

I guess this is why I feel so guilty. So Self-centered. Like I’m the only important one. In part I’m jelous. I envy everyone around me. Everyone who can shower, everyone who meets up with there friends and makes something of their spare time, instead of just sitting around getting lost in fiction. Another reason I can attribute to this fictional obsession is longing. The desperation for someone to help me, save me from myself and the need for a mother. And yes I have a mum, I have a dad. Were the classic nuclear family. But what I mean but I want a mother has nothing to do with genetics or the Edexcel GCSE Religious Studies, Marriage and Family Life topic.

What I mean when I say I want a mother is this.

  • Someone I can talk to when I just need someone to talk to.
  • Someone who will hug me and tell me it will all be ok.
  • Someone to help when I need it.
  • Someone who tells me she loves me, Shows me she loves me.
  •  Someone who pays attention to me. Seems happy to be around me. 
  • Someone who shows intrest in my day.
  • Someone who will pick me after school when I have to stay back late (Walking when it’s getting dark is not fun)
  • Someone who listens to and respects me.
  • Someone Honest who doesn’t bitch about me behind my back.
  • Someone who doens’t make an argument out of everything I say and do. 

I guess many of my problems are associated with my lack of mother. I have the genetic figure but her actions are far from mother like towards me. My brothers well that’s a different story. I guess my obsession with fiction really does filter down to this though. My need for someone who is there for me, loves me unconditionaly and shows it.