Feeling Out of Control and Stress About Prom Dress

There are those days, those weeks in recovery where you long to restrict, you feel more out of control than ever before. The reason may be completely irrational but that doesn’t change a thing.

I am hiding what I’m feeling through getting lose in a fictional world, one of fandoms. I’m smiling laughing, to hide what I’m feeling inside. 

There’s just something about not counting calories it just makes me feel so out of control,  so fat, so greedy. I’m not going to progress in my recovery however if I continue counting and counting calories in all honesty it does start to drive you crazy. 

I’ve maintained my weight for 3 weeks now, but I still thought I’d gained 5000lb recently. I fear that I’ve gained weight, i fear it to the point I don’t want to step on the scales but I do. Not counting calories increases that fear, in the past when I have not been counting calories I’ve gained a minimum of 1lb a week. There’ only so many lbs one can gain before they become overweight. Before they actually start to look fat to others and not just themselves. 

The fear is increasing in my mind, I worry my prom dress won’t fit come wednesday. I will suddenly blow up like a balloon.

And what if I get my period? (It’s 2 days late) I will be so bloated then that there’s no hope on earth that it will ever fit. And what if it doesn’t fit?

WHAT IF IT DOESN’T FIT!

The thought of it not fitting is haunting me, breaking me. It’s exhausting me and causing me a huge amount of stress. I have thought about buying a new dress, an emergancy dress. But from where? And it will have to match all my other stuff. I remember once I decided I was going to buy it in a size 14 although I am only a size 8/10 (UK that is) 

I feel so out of control because food is a fear but I can no longer just not eat. It’s not that simple anymore…

I wish it was.

Fear of failure. Where it stemmed from.

Recantly I have come to realise that I have a huge fear of failure. Probably explaining why up until now I have always been such a high achiver. 

Even more recantly I realised where this fear came from. As a child making mistakes was never ok. I have never been pressured to get perfect grades. I have also however never been taught that it is ok to make mistakes. I guess in some respect it lead to my eating disorder and ideals of perfection. 

Each mistake I make; I am ridiculed, blamed for when things don’t go according to plan. They blame it on me and my mistake. I guess over time this lead to the great hostility which now stands between myself and my family. Feelings of loneliness. Anxiety due to fears of doing something wrong.

These experiances, in part are what has caused me to feel so awful for “not doing as much work as I should.” The way my parents have treated me, peers riduculed me and teachers pushed me have lead to feelings of inadiquacy. Never being good enough.