Lots of learning, subluxations and theatre.

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It’s time for another week in the life. I’m definitely considering two posts a week so I can do more of these but still write the awareness raising, life lesson and inspirational posts.

Anyway lets begin.

Monday was a work day. That 9-5 life. The cases were certainly better than they had been over the last few weeks but not great so I got 22 grants. Not enough but I’m not defining myself by my work stats or any other type of grade or number. 22 is so much better than the 10 I’d been scraping! I went home after work, ate food and tried to work on a family specific training contract application.

Tuesday I started shadowing some of the harder cases although I don’t think I quite braved taking the mouse myself then! The “red cases” like the red boulder problems I’d love to be stable on by the end of 2020 are such a huge step up! Lots of cognitive power and stress and disappointment. But I definitely appreciated a chance to learn something new and to give my wrists and fingers a break from standard desk based tasks as my joints have been struggling this week. I climbed in the evening and not gonna lie it wasn’t the best session and it was hard to not feel deflated but I did what I said I would and took it easy! I flashed the new set V1s and 2-3s of the day and started projecting some “swirly’s” which I feel in my soul so hopefully I’ll have a chance to get back to them. I also did an advanced footwork class and did my first ever roof move (on a v7 to practice heel hooks). I also very much realised my core needs work and that is part of why I’m still struggling with overhangs despite my technique on them improving. But hey, after being largely bed bound for so long what can I expect?

Wednesday, I was running on not much sleep. I’ve been struggling with sleep this week. With a combination of nausea, pain and noise from the pub next door it has been hard! Anywho. I felt super ill when I woke up in the morning and the coughing fit I had caused my right ovary to act up for the rest of the day. However my energy improved throughout the day and despite my joints feeling dreadful I went climbing (yes again). There’s a womens group on, on a Wednesday night which I like going to as the people are nice, most of them are better than be and give me useful tips which allow me to be the best me and it gets me trying new things on the wall without feeling silly. This Wednesday especially was incredible. It was quite chill, we spent a while just catching up and chatting before warming up. There were some new people there and it was the first session after Christmas so a lot to catch up on! Not gonna lie, I didn’t do the 10 squat jumps we were meant to as my body just couldn’t. I would have collapsed. (Just a warning sign to the ME flare that later ensued. I accomplished two v2-3s that I had been struggling with, due to fear more than anything else and realised that actually if I commit, I can do those big moves. They look scarier than they feel! I also resent a v2-3 in a more technical and much easier way as well as getting another v3-4 with some help and support from the more experienced members of the group. That’s what? 7 v3-4 problems I’ve now accomplished. Mostly slabby but it’s start to reaching my goals despite chronic illness. My muscles were struggling hard on Wednesday. Those little legs of mine were just not okay. I think this is why I fell of a V1 that I have yet to conquer (at a low height) and partially dislocated my elbow because I was a tit and put my arm down. I (yes am a tit) and continued climbing on it, so to this day. My elbow is still not 100%. But anywho. Good session and I came out of it feeling so positive and uplifted and it just reminded me of why I love this sport so so much.

Thursday was another learning at work day. I think it was Thursday that I really started to find my confidence with these red cases. In the afternoon the ME flare ensued so I got home and binged spinning out, curled up on the sofa. I couldn’t sleep that night cause the pressure in the back of my head and the dizziness so another not enough sleep night but such is life.

Friday was an interesting one. Even more confidence on those reds although I was feeling so unwell in the afternoon that I was just like “no. I can’t.” Honestly the pressure in the back of my head and the dizziness resulting meant that I was close to going home sick because I had visions of another car park incident. Hilariously enough. I didn’t and then (more Hannah may or may not be a tit) I went climbing. Because of my elbow I took myself to awesome walls as being on an auto belay would minimise the chances of making it worse (no high impact falls. Just low impact collapsing in a heap when it gets you down). This was my first time on a rope and colourful holds for 5 years or so. MADNESS. But it was great (although exhausting). I think I just completely forgot how to rope climb at the beginning of the session so I was using my arms too much which lead to v quick “shit I’m done”. Nevertheless, I ended up staying for two hours and I don’t think I’ve ever worked that hard. I’m not exactly sore from it but at the time it felt harder than any climbing I’ve done for years! I flashed numerous 5s. There were 2 I couldn’t do, but I think because I was so tired by the time I tried them. I also on sighted a 6a and 6a+. For a first rope session in a while I think that’s something to be proud of. I very sloppily got up most of a 6b, that I probably could have done in two parts but I tried numerous times and got more solid at what I could do however couldn’t find a way around my lack of quad strength and the fact that I couldn’t push to much on the wall with my right arm due to my elbow. If I go back before a reset it’s a project I’m definitely coming back to. I also tried two 6b+s which I know I can do all the moves of in my soul but stamina and the unique difficulties I have with balance, struggling to feel my hands and feet on the wall as well as stability and power meant they just were not happening. I for whatever reason undercrimped? Is that a thing. I realised today that maybe that hold was meant for a toe hook so might try that if I go back to it. It was a good session but bloody exhausting. I am definitely a boulderer. I don’t know when that conversion happened. (Think I could also be a lead climber tho cause my issue with top rope is the rope gets in your way sometimes!) I realised if I am going to do the whole competitive paraclimbing thing there is a lot of work to do! Although it probably is better to compete this year as a practice run for when I’m hopefully stronger and have a chance of doing well so…. paraclimbing nationals at the end of the feb may indeed happen.

Saturday was HAMILTON! It was incredible. I mean it’s Hamilton of course it was. I really liked the Eliza who was on (don’t know whose cast right now in the west end soz). I mean I literally cried at burn. And then the tears just continued. If you know, You know. I also really loved Jefferson! He was great fun. And King George always is. My collarbones wearnt’t in place all day and my neck was feeling unstable but it was so worth it! Isn’t Hamilton always?

Today, I finished spinning out and asides from trying to make sure I have semi order in my flat I’m really trying to rest. I can barely stand up so not hard. But also is.

I hope you all had a good week! I will be back with another post next week.

Endometriosis: The devil within me

stock-vector-yellow-ribbon-childhood-cancer-day-awareness-vector-eps-icon-icons-sign-signs-international-world-1237489360I have endometriosis. Well suspected endometriosis. It is only since getting it more under control that I have realised just how much it has limited me and just how much it has affected my mental health over the years.

Endometriosis is a condition I am so comfortable talking about now. Maybe too comfortable but that’s okay. It’s better than not being at all comfortable talking about and not being at all able to express why your in such an unbelievably unbearable amount of pain and are barely able to sit through half an hour of a two hour lecture without an unbearable amount of pain from having the slightest amount of urine in my bladder, general endometriosis pain (whatever that is) and nausea or the ever so fun period diarrhoea. Or the fact that the endometriosis acts as an alarm clock, waking me up at 7:30 sharp (I kid you not).

But now it is more under control it is more of a devil. Now the extreme endometriosis pain isn’t a standard 24/7. It’s a reminder that one day it could get that bad again. The fear of how I will manage on top of everything else, how will I be able to work full time and keep up with my financial responsibilities? I’m going through a progressively getting worse flare right now and there was a day where I was getting those awful pulling burning pains but up around my stomach, whereas normally they’re a lot lower. I could barely stand and it took all the will in the world to get into work. Did I do it yes because god forbid I could be off sick for a day. I had another day a couple of days ago. First day of my period and me being lucky happens to get pain with bowel movements and urination and that’s how my suspected endometriosis has always worked. This pain was so severe that I nearly collapsed on the toilet floor and I felt sick. There was no way I was getting myself home so I stayed at work but it was bad. What if the flare keeps on getting worse, it’s a real fear.

It’s the illness that has made me do intentionally harmful things to my body in a desperate bid to relive the pain. I’ve burnt myself with hot water bottles and heat pads to the point of causing blisters. I’ve taken way more ibuprofen and paracetamol than is healthy. Taking a days worth of ibuprofen in a dose is not healthy.

It has made me so desensitized to pain that should cause alarm bells and if I atall let on how bad it was, does cause alarm bells to those around me.

This illness has made me spend unnecessary time and energy worrying about the children I may or may not be able to have and how much guilt I would feel marrying someone, knowing I was unable to have children. Or knowing sex might be so painful it that it may seldom happen.

Although it is not the most debilitating condition I have, it is by far the one that has messed with me the most. And that’s why more awareness needs to be raised for it. Even now the more confident me, doesn’t want to bother doctors with asking to be rereferred to gyne because “it’s not that bad” and true compared to Han of the past. But that doesn’t mean it’s not bad enough and I urge any women experiencing the symptoms of endometriosis to seek help.

8 reasons why I’m thankful for my illness

This probably seems somewhat strange to some people. Why would anyone be thankful for their body hating them. Limiting their ability to enjoy life, live life and keep up with their peers in all aspects of life. But I am, however awful it may be sometimes and however much I hate my body at times and long to just be normal.

I am thankful.

In this post I will state the reasons why.

  1. Helped me gain perspective – since realising that what has been wrong with me in the last 9 years or so is actually a chronic illness of some type has helped me gain perspective on life. Life isn’t just about getting the best grades, all the work experience  possible at the best law firms or chambers, or career related equivalent to anyone reading this. Health and happiness are far more important than those things. Yes grades can be important, and yes work experience is useful but it’s not the be all and end all. Health on the other hand is. And I’m referring to both mental and physical in such a context.
  2. More tolerant and understanding – Since recognising I’m chronically ill myself I understand more that sometimes you just can’t manage to go on with your normal daily life anymore. Yes I still get very wound up at people who have no excuse and can’t be bothered, especially when you’re reliant on them for the end goal. (Be that a performance or group project). But I’m a lot less angry about peoples commitment issues than I used to be because although some may be lacking because they are making excuses. You never know what’s going on in someones life completely and other people may have too much going on, or be suffering from sometimes debilitating mental or physical illnesses.
  3. Being physically ill helped me recover from my eating disorder – Sounds a little weird I know but while I was a fairly symptom free human being for a few months I ended up exercise addicted and healthy food obsessed as an alternative to anorexia. My symptoms getting worse helped me find a better relationship with exercise purely because it hurt too much for me to continue burning 1000+ calories a day. And I stopped being so obsessed with eating healthy because of the extreme fatigue. Sometimes cooking up a healthy meal was just too much effort.
  4. Stops me from going full on work-a-holic – I have this tendency to me. But being chronically ill helps me at-least try and be a little gentle on myself. And even during stressful busy times reminds me I need to make enough time for sleep and some time for rest.
  5. More admiration for people dealing with chronic illnesses – I think before recognising that I most likely have endometriosis, upon finding out Stephanie March, Halsey, Marilyn Monroe, Lena Dunham and any of the other many woman had endometriosis I wouldn’t have cared all that much. But now, knowing the pain and as someone who likes to act, sing and dance myself I have much more admiration for these people. You have no idea how hard it is to maintain a character with chronic pain of any amount that is more than what can be ignored, let alone when you can barley walk and stand straight with the pain until you try.
  6. Allowed me to connect with people I never would have otherwise – This one is fairly self explanatory. Social media is a wonderful tool but never would I have found and connected with other ill people had I not been ill myself. Purely because I would have just lacked the ability to understand and empathise with what they were going through.
  7. Being able to raise awareness and help others – I guess in a way being chronically ill has given me an opportunity. An opportunity to tailor my career to go into medical or employment law if I so choose.  An opportunity to share information online and forever increase my own knowledge of not only my illness but also those of others.
  8. Able to see when others are suffering – I’m sure this seems a little odd but I seem to have developed some sort of a sixth sense with some people. I can see when there’s something wrong when they’re suffering. Even if no one else would pick up on that. Be that light touches to they’re lower abdomen, or stance. It may even be a change in attitude or noticing how tired they look. Sometimes there isn’t even an explainable tell and I just have a hunch.

So yes, these are the reasons why I am thankful. The lesson here is there is good in everything. Even if it doesn’t seem good.