Reviewing portrayals of disability in TV: The story of Tracy Beaker

The_Story_of_Tracy_Beaker_Title_Card

So I thought this would be a fun lil project to work on, working my way through various TV shows/episodes and reviewing them on the disability representation in the show. To start, The Story of Tracy Beaker because it was a childhood favourite and I’ve really enjoyed rewatching it! I also now want to read Jaqueline Wilsons newer Tracy Beaker books even though I’m 22 and currently am struggling to find time to read but that’s beside the point. The two characters I want to focus on for this are Layla and Millie.

Layla 

enhanced-613-1449490707-1

Layla has Cerebral Palsy and a big positive is that she is played by an actress with this condition. Disabled actors playing disabled characters is rare in TV and film so I definitely appreciate this! Other pros are:

  • She has a great personality and is a solid character whom viewers can easily become endeared with for reasons other than her disability
  • We get to see the reality of missing out on things when your disabled or have a chronic illness in the episode where she has to miss an exciting day of school for a physio appointment that ends up getting cancelled. Layla not wanting to miss school helps debunk stigma that disabled people are just lazy or the belief that they are lucky to get to miss days of school
  • We see issues with accessibility and  when Duke says “first one to the table” and Layla is unable to run as fast as the others.
  • Tracy uses her age and height as well as able body to get her wings back from Michael. Seeing Layla fit in with the other kids so well and seeing the other kids help her when she needs it but not being overly pushy or protective or pitying sends an important message that disabled children are just children and deserve to be treated with the same respect and in the same way as any other similar child, providing necessary accommodations are made.
  • She seems independent and intelligent for a child of her age through her lines and the fact that she does household chores like everyone else – this is very important for two reasons, one to help dispel the whole disabled people are a burden myth and secondly to show that not all disabled people are stupid.

Cons

  • The only con I really have is that she didn’t get fostered but that’s reality sadly. Although she’s young and cute, having a disability does make her less likely to get fostered.

Milly

p056mwmx

Millie is non verbal until she gets fostered and then she says the best line to Elaine.

Pros

  • The other dumping ground kids suspect her of weird goings on and think she’s scary but eventually realise she’s a scared kid and they should be nice to her
  • Her friendship with Marco and her eventually getting fostered with him
  • Even without lines we see her personality and emotions

Cons

  •  I wish she got more screen time
  • I know Elaine is a pain but I really don’t like how she pity’s and patronises Millie just because she doesn’t speak.

Overall I would give the representation of disability in The Story of Tracy Beaker an 8.5/10! Although this is only my opinion.

There will also be one coming on Tracy Beaker Returns/The dumping ground some point soon so watch this space!

If you have any TV shows and characters to recommend for this series leave it in the comments.

 

 

Not working in the time of COVID-19

andre-tan-LZ-eqwE0NJA-unsplash

Hello. I’m sure many of us are not working right now. Many people have been put on furlough or forced to take unpaid leave or like me are getting paid to not work until the organisation can provide the infrastructure to work from home or the office reopens.

At first it was fine. Like I had plenty of things to do (still do tbh) and quite frankly wasn’t well enough to work anyway. But now Easter is over and everyone’s working and more and more people in my organisation are getting laptops to work from home.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to be able to spend the time on my blog, on reading more and on looking after my health.

But there is a sense of guilt. Despite circumstances being completely beyond my control. And the purpose in my life is not what it was last month.

I want to go home and see my family but when lockdown ends, the office will likely reopen and by which point I will be expected to be in the office infrastructure to work from home or not as I’m still in my probationary period.

There will be too much guilt and worry to book the annual leave to go home because by which point I may not have worked for nearly two months.

On what planet do I deserve annual leave?

I also don’t really need it, asides from the fact that home is the other end of the country. So for me to spend a reasonable amount of time at home and ideally limit the damage to my ME I could do with a good few days of annual leave when work requires being in the office.

I don’t know why I feel guilty because this is all out of my control and it is currently illegal to travel home. I can’t. Or I can but I’d be risking a fine and it’s morally wrong.

It’s not like I’ve wasted this time and I could have otherwise used this time to go home or do any of the things that may require annual leave in the future. So it’s all irrational and stupid.

But I think in todays society it is all very natural to have this guilt over not working. Because society would have us believe that our worth is our productivity and that that productivity is somewhat meaningless if it’s not related to a job. That’s not true.

Not in the slightest. We are all have worth regardless of our employment status.

Is anyone else having feelings of guilt?

Why getting a job is sometimes more luck than judgement .

So imagine this, you are just out of university. Every graduate in the country is looking for a job. This time, that wonderful season called summer, is a time where the job market is heavily saturated. And it’s difficult. Every single job seems to ask for experience or is in a difficult to get to location. Or due to health issues, it’s one that just isn’t possible. Not only do you need to think of a job now, but you also need to plan your future, apply for training contracts, mini-pupillages etc.

Then again you just have a thirst to travel. To run away from it all but here’s the catch – it’s borderline as to whether you have the funds. Due to flights it’s borderline as to whether I’d have the 5000 aussie dollars necessary for a working visa. (Would be planning on office temp work because health if I did it)

I actually have an interview to teach in china with EF on Monday to lets hope. I got a not really legit teach in china job a few months ago and turned it down due to that. The differences in how EF do things is already evident in the recruitment process.

But anyway. I Fear I have gone on a tangent.

This blog post is targeted at explaining that often times whether you get the job or not is just luck. To go along with that I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And this is not to underestimate the hard work that is also involved in securing a job. For law, all the research into firms and in any case CV’s should be tailored for each position. Yes it is a lot of work, but it is also a lot of luck and that is the stance I am going to take in this post.

Many of factors go into how good the application was and whether you progress, such as;

  • How tired you were when you applied
  • How distracted you were
  • How tired/distracted the recruiter was
  • They may have filled all the positions and just not taken the job down
  • Where you live
  • You don’t have a driving licence
  • The recruiter just doesn’t relate to you
  • Hours your available to work
  • Potential commitment time
  • How good everyone else who applied was
  • Your CV is not ATS compatible

and many many other reasons why you may be rejected for a job without getting to interview but may get an interview for a more skilled job.

Getting a job can be a difficult journey for some of us. I still have these two provisional offers under my belt with no signs of progress and one is meant to start next week.

Shit happens with references too. Which is one of my issues right now because all of my previous employees have left their jobs. And due to health issues I wasn’t great at those jobs anyway…

Remember not to be disheartened about rejection.

Rejection is redirection and it could happen for a number of reasons.

Just take action and persist and eventually life will work out.

 

 

Growing up with emotional abuse

Some people may ask why I’m writing this blog post. It’s a very difficult, painful topic to write about. Some people may even accuse me of lying. Trying to get attention. Trying to get my mum into trouble. Trying to tear my family apart. Some people may say it is less emotional abuse and more emotional neglect. But I want to tell my story. Share my experience. In the hopes that other people may be able to identify themselves in this awful position and do something about it before the damage is too great.

Emotional abuse covers a wide variety of behaviours. It involves the abuser making out that they are the victim in any situation where you try and stand up for yourself or get help for the abuse you have faced and the impact of that abuse on your emotional wellbeing.

This is something I have experienced a lot of in the past. Through secondary school I had a lot of CAMHS referrals and being a catholic school, a lot of chaplaincy meetings. Ya know, as if god was going to cure me. And my mum, manipulative as she is convinced everyone that she was a lovely woman. That I was a problem that needed to be fixed and I was the one abusing her. Which as you can imagine was great for my already low self esteem.

There’s the outright, making someone feel bad about themselves element of emotional abuse. I have vivid memories of my parents going on about how I’m borderline autistic but they didn’t want to get me officially diagnosed for my benefit and that it was somehow my fault.

It was something they used against me, something that was used in a way to make me feel bad about being me. If I had a meltdown and broke something in the house they would be all. “If we got you diagnosed we could get money back from that but we love you too much to do that.” Only now as an adult, and as someone with chronic and mental health conditions, some diagnosed, some not, do I realise how stupid that it. With a diagnosis I could access support to help me. Access the support needed to become a more functional human being. Accomodations could be made at uni and in future, the work place.  To make my life that little bit easier. To allow me to succeed and thrive. Now it weighs on me so much. I’m scared people can see my autism. Even though I’m not necessarily autistic.

Life shouldn’t be this hard ya know. No one should have to lack compassion from the people who should love them most. No one should have to have never really felt secure in a friendship. No one should have to feel the need to hide and put up with a chronic health condition that causes severe pain for 9 years of their life, all throughout adolescence because no one belives you and everyone thinks your a burden. And a whole life of other crap that makes my life more difficult than it should be.

There’s the severe lack of compassion. Lack of caring. This can manifest in different ways. The disproving statements, or looks. When you do something that your abuser is not okay with. That trying to control your life. For me, that was with youtube. Even as an adult my mum wouldn’t allow me to film youtube videos. Even in the comfort of my own room. And if she caught at. I would be yelled at, given a whole lecture. And this is one of the main reasons why I havn’t been able to grow a channel. Because I’ve never come across natural, It’s always come across awkward because I was worried about my mum finding out. I’ve never invested in decant camera’s etc because although there have been times in my life where I could have invested in such things, or atleast saved up to do so but I havn’t because what would my parents think?

It can also translate into your parents not liking your friends, and trying to control who you can spend your time with. Either in a way that makes you feel like you need to cut ties or in an outright ban in seeing x,y or z. It seemed every friend I had as a teenager. My mum always had something bad to say. It’s trying to control your outfit choices, trying to control where you go to university and what you study at university.

It’s never having the time for you or your needs but the second your abuser needs you, you need to be there and provide full attention. Countless things I’ve needed my mum for in my life she’s never been there.

From things as simple as never being taught how to shave, but being made aware that it’s something you need to do or never being really supported in the world of periods. To bigger things. When I’ve needed my mum to help me with something, she’s never been there. When I could have done with her to book me a dr’s appointment or come to a big appointment with me. She never would. I’d ask when I was younger and I reached 16 and she was like “your too old, they won’t let me.” Which I have since learnt is an outright lie, seeing as my dad booked a GP appointment for me at 18.

Never being able to talk to her about my illness because although she’ll be like “I’m your mum I want to know.” She never had the time for it. She never cares and she’s never compassionate. It’s feeling like I have to go along with her plans exactly. When I ask her to walk slower because her pace is too fatiguing and causes too much pain and I literally can’t keep up. She’ll tell me I can. Making me feel small. Like I’m just being weak and pathetic and not trying hard enough.

Actually any time I try and explain my health issues to her. It’s a lot of making me feel weak and pathetic, making me feel selfish, lazy. Or making me feel guilty for not pushing to extreme lengths by telling me “I just have to do it.” Which great sentiment until your in severe pain every day of your life. Next time you have a thumb dislocate at the end of an exam, fingers so painful that you can barely hold your pen I’ll tell you the same and see how you feel.

It’s never remembering the last time your abuser hugged you. Really, properly, lovingly hugged you.

And every time you try to bring that issue up. That you just need to feel loved it’s “We buy you birthday and Christmas presents, we feed you etc.” That’s not making me feel loved. That’s what you need to do to look like a good parent to the outside world. Then being made to feel guilty, because your clearly just selfish.

It’s treating your siblings differently, treating them with compassion. Hugging them, listening to their problems, having proper conversations with them. But you never get that same treatment. You get none of that. It’s when it gets to such an extent that unknowingly your siblings tap into this abuse and start calling you a selfish brat for making totally reasonable demands. They start calling you mean, horrible, lazy. And although you know that deep down they love you. They don’t know how to show it because their whole life my mum especially has done a terrible job of providing me with what I need.

It’s shouting at you even if you’ve done nothing wrong, leaving you out things, generally saying things or behaving in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself.

And the worst part, other than how difficult it is to identify. It’s that it keeps on causing you to question yourself question the situation. It’s like a vicious cycle. You get to a point where you convince yourself it’s not abuse. That it’s getting better. And then it hits you again like a ton of bricks. The cycle continues like that. Which makes it nearly impossible to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship.

And long term emotional abuse has a really damaging effect on your mental health, and your ability to function as a normal adult. For me, it’s caused an inability to advocate for myself. Which means if I have a job and I don’t get paid I really struggle to do anything about it, because I feel like it’s my fault. Even if I know it’s not. It means I cannot deal with doctors and receptionists and pharmacists for the life of me. I’m getting better but it’s still such a struggle and causes a huge amount of anxiety. This means I’m now possible going to the other side of the world without pain medication which even with, I’m still in severe daily pain. It means I cancelled my wheelchair assistance at the airport because although I know I need it. I don’t feel validated in it and in person I wouldn’t be able to advocate for myself when needed to ensure I get on the right plane, can buy water before etc.

It causes difficulty’s both personally and professionally. You struggle to keep and maintain friendships because you feel so worthless as a person. You can’t approach your lecturers to send past paper answers because you feel like your being annoying, or wasting their time. It’s an experience that can become hugely impactful in every aspect of your life.

That’s why as soon as you identify yourself in such a situation you need the courage to get out of it. So it doesn’t manifest into such a hugely impactful experience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking a mental health break

So, it’s the summer holidays. I should be getting myself out there, gaining valuable work experience and what not. But am I? No. And not that I haven’t tried. Despite not wanting to be a Lawyer, I have kidded myself enough times that I do and periodically applied for vacations schemes throughout the year. I have scrolled through job sites to try and find summer jobs that I can realistically get to without a car from home home, because I’m not interested in paying for summer halls and then having to work x amount of hours just to break even.

And there is just nothing, that I stand a chance of being physically capable of doing, that meets all of the above criteria and will allow for a 2 week holiday, give or take a few days for me to go to Columbia with my university at the end of July/beginning of August.

But that’s okay. Yes I could do with the money. But it’s okay to be doing nothing with my summer.

As some people might see it, or maybe that’s my perfectionistic over-achieving mindset seeing it like that and actually, no one really cares that I materially lack work experience. Because A) It’s not like I’ve never been employed and B) I have reasons for lacking work experience compared to some of my peers.

So, to make myself feel less bad about this 3 and a half months of rest. I’m calling it a mental health break.

The reality is, even i can push through my physical health issues enough to be reliable and do a good job, the need to be reliable and do a good job and constantly not feeling like I’m good enough would be detrimental to my mental health. It has been in previous employment situations.

The reality is, even if I only worked 16-20 hours a week, I would be worried of doing much outside work incase it made me too ill to do my job. Which would mean neglecting friends, family and the wonderful summer sun. Which would aggravate my depression. I’ve learnt this from doing my degree this year. I had to take EVERYTHING else out of my life and I ended up suicidal, self harming again, falling into a pit of despair, disappointing my family and losing two of my closest friends. I don’t want to be in that position again.

Not only that but I want to be physically strong enough to manage doing everything timetabled for Columbia. Which okay, even with pushing myself to the max, could be an unrealistic goal. But the best chance of me attaining this is to spend the next two months resting and trying to build up my muscle mass through gentle exercise so walking upstairs doesn’t make my legs feel weak anymore. So I can pack more than two items of clothing before my arms start to feel weak. I want to make the most of this wonderful opportunity that I’ve worked hard to get. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Even if I do feel my dad is looking down on me for “wasting money” on going on a trip abroad rather than doing some more useful work experience with my time.

Further along the line, I need to be mentally and physically strong enough to finish my degree. Third year is the toughest and most intense year of a degree there is. The perk, if I get my module requests in on time and have passed my exams, I’ll get to do 4 really exciting modules which I’m really enthusiastic about and looking forward to.

I’m going to admit. I haven’t really been physically or mentally strong enough this year. I’ve had to study from my bed most of the time and I’ve missed more lectures and seminars than I would like to admit. I’ve pushed myself to go in a state in which I know I shouldn’t be attending even more times.

At the end of the day. I’m giving myself my best chances of getting my degree. And okay, maybe in the long term this won’t fare well but that’s okay.

This most recent academic year I haven’t really had a chance to do what I really want to do. And I haven’t really had a chance to relax. Lesson 1, forced rest and relaxation are not the same.  I haven’t had a chance to write fanfiction, use this blog as much as I would like. Indulge in TV, especially new series of things that require following. I haven’t read a book, just for the fun of it since last summer. And not because I’ve been off having the time of my life, I haven’t even been that social this year, because my health has prevented me.

Purely because my foggy brain and fatigue means I need to put way more time into my degree with way less energy to do the degree with. Which is also okay, because I love my degree, if I didn’t love my degree I wouldn’t still be doing it, I definitely wouldn’t have preserved through the past year of it.

So actually, I think I need this time. To just enjoy summer. To find myself again, to think about what I’m doing after my degree. Am I going to run off and do a psychology conversion, followed my a masters in forensic psychology? Am I going to go for the NHS policy and strategy grad scheme? Am I going to go into social work by doing one of the  grad schemes available? Or maybe I’ll try and get my hands on some volunteering with vulnerable people and become a probation officer?

Or maybe neither of these are the path I will take, but that’s okay too. It’s okay to take time out. It’s okay to not know what I’m doing with my life and it’s okay to study law when I don’t want to be a lawyer or become an academic. This is my path in life and eventually, I’ll figure out where this is all going, where it’s all taking me.

Until then it’s time to ride the wave, remember it’s okay for me to be taking such an extended break from life. Because that’s what I need right now. A break. I need no pressure, and time to heal, both mentally and physically.

University with a chronic illness

Having a chronic illness (or many) is hard, there’s no doubt about that. You basically become a full-time patient and very quickly realise you need to become better at advocating for yourself if you want professionals to treat you in the way that you deserve to be treated. Add the workload of a full-time degree course, and the whole social aspect of university then managing this becomes almost impossible. I’m going to share some tips that I’ve gained from my experiences and am trying to start applying to help me through my final 2 years.

  1. Make sure your tutors are aware – this was something I was told to do by a friend. It was something I always knew I had to do, I just kept on putting it off. Probably because of how awkward and pathetic it felt. Especially considering the undiagnosed nature of my conditions back then and because I have endometriosis and the nature of that alone can generate some unwanted responses. But actually, I was shocked by the responses I got showing genuine care and concern. And just letting people know really reduces the stress and pressure. (Serves me right for having no faith in humanity).
  2. If you can barely walk up the stairs without nearly passing out don’t attend your class – I still need to learn this, but once your in that state with fatigue nothing will go in. You’ll be spending your entire class trying to focus on just staying upright and not passing out. Nothing will make any sense and you’ll barely be able to keep up with note-taking. Most lectures are recorded now, it’s much more beneficial to stay at home in bed and go through the recording when you feel able.
  3. Register with your universities disability service – still not done this because I’m not 100% sure I’m officially diagnosed (was told I probably have CFS? Doesn’t sound official.) But do, even if it initially causes stress to get the evidence and such because they can provide you with support throughout your studies.
  4. Stay calm – you are doing the best you can. Maybe that’s not the brilliant first class marks you wish but you are fighting a hard battle no one knows. I promise you, you are doing enough, and being enough, even if you may get behind on or struggle with your work more than you would like.
  5. If you need to take a year out, go part-time, or drop out all together then there is no shame in that – your degree is not the be all and end all future success and a rewarding, enjoyable life. There’s so much more to life than the qualifications you’ve gained and the calibre of the career you hold. There’s love, happiness, travel, family. Even the simple things, like waking up in the morning to see the sun shining, gentle walks in the aforementioned sun.  There’s so much to life that doesn’t depend on your degree and at the end of the day, everyone will agree your health is far more important than an extra qualification.
  6. Your gonna have to miss out on certain social activities and networking activities and that’s okay – Uni is when FOMO his you hard, or the guilt over not committing to your future career as you should be and attending all possible networking events. It’s okay to miss things. It’s okay not to go to the pub regularly or go clubbing. It’s okay to not be heavily involved in clubs and society’s and it’s okay to not attend networking events. Again your health is so much more important. And being sick doesn’t mean you’re destined to having no social life. It just means that you need a quieter social life. The best friends are the ones who understand that.
  7. Take breaks – everyone needs study breaks. The brain can’t focus and absorb information when revising for more than an hour at a time. But this becomes even more important when you’re chronically ill, especially if you face fatigue and brain fog as a result of your illness. Yes, maybe you can “Push through”. But your time is going to be more effective and the information better absorbed if you take regular breaks. So take breaks when you feel the need and don’t feel guilty for needing more breaks than other people.

These are the tips I’ve come up with, if anyone else has others that may be helpful to people in this situation then, please comment and share.

The reality of being mentally ill and having an Undiagnosed Chronic Illness

Mental illnesses often go hand in hand with Chronic illnesses. It’s part of the territory. It makes a lot of sense really. Through all the fear, the confusion, the loss of life quality, friends, supporters. Having all of your peers move on with life, seeing them progress and there you are. Still sick. It makes sense that the majority of people with a chronic illness also have some sort of mental illness.

Having both anxiety, depression and at least one diagnosed chronic illness is a confusing situation to be in. It’s denying that your sick, feeling invalid because you don’t have a diagnosis but not being able to speak to doctors. Not having that magic way of talking to them to make them test you, diagnose you and take you seriously. And actually just freezing up and panicking every time you see one.

It’s feeling guilty for not working because you have a few good hours, days, maybe even a good week. But the reality is you’ve spent so long stuck in bed from grinding fatigue or unable to focus and be a good personality to work with from severe pain or nausea that you’ve fallen into an even deeper depression than you were in before hand.

It’s feeling like there’s no out because you don’t feel empowered to fix it, so it will never get fixed. It feels like your always going to be stuck in this cycle of physically ill, depressed, anxious, physically ill etc. It’s an incredibly terrifying point to reach. You know there’s something wrong with you every day and chances are it’s only dong to get worse because of your inability to do anything about it.

Which may be why you still find yourself denying it. Because you don’t want it to be true. You want a normal life. You want to be where your many a lost friends are now. Talented beyond belief with jobs they are actually getting successfully paid for. Friends to socialise with, a family they are close to and on track for a first class degree. But then you also don’t want to get better physically because being physically ill gives you an excuse. To not work, not do x,y or z. All of those things which trigger your anxiety. That historically you haven’t been able to cope with. Even if the main reason of not coping is chronic illness related. Things like applying for jobs give me so much anxiety that I can get interviews and then not go, not accept. Because what if I get the job and can’t manage or even worse what if I just sound like a fool and people question why I even bothered trying.

Having an undiagnosed illness and anxiety is having a history of not being believed, being called an attention seeker and so the second two friends say “Maybe she’s lying.” You worry there talking about you. Especially when it has seemed very off between the group of you over the last few months. With you being the outcast.

You feel like you have to act sick even more now. Or be really ill all the time to be justified. You fear your not sick enough and your just being weak and pathetic. Life turns into this ridiculous little merry go round.

You’ve had your trust broken so much, by so many that you’ve developed methods of isolation and telling yourself they don’t like you just to protect yourself from being hurt when they eventually snap and tell you everything they hate about you. Everything that’s wrong with you as a person. And that makes you feel more alone in this battle.

You have no one to open up to about your physical battles and internalising it all. Only having your irrational voice and you as your own cheerleader means the physical battles take all the more of a mental toll.

You question whether it’s just you. Or maybe daily pain is normal. You constantly fear judgement from other because your not good enough, not doing enough, not trying enough. And you feel like a poor excuse of a human. Your physically ill, but your not that physically ill and maybe your just making excuses.

Your left in a place of feeling completely and utterly alone. With no way to express how physically hurt you feel. Because physical pain has become the norm.

I stopped exercising for 3 weeks and…

Hello beautiful angels who read my blog post. So the title gives this one away a little. My writings today will be about me stopping exercise for 3 weeks and the effects of that.

Now. Nothing drastic happened. I don’t think I’ve gained any weight and if I have my clothes still fit so who cares really. Basically I haven’t ballooned into some obese monstrosity, so if any of you feel you need a break from exercise for one reason or another please take it. It won’t kill you.

But onto the more negative stuff.

I ached A LOT! From head to toe all the time. As someone with a chronic illness I’m used to pain. I’m used to things hurting and as someone who has been stupid and overexercised in the past I’m used to the little niggling recurring injuries. But this was different. I feel like my body may have been punishing me for physically not having the time or spoons to exercise. Everything was also a lot tighter than usual. And I’m not saying I’m a flexible person. I’m far from it. But everything was noticeably tight.

Then I started exercising again because I had nothing else to do, so it was worth the spoons it takes and things started aching a lot less and feeling a lot less tight.

So I guess the point is that it’s always important to make time and spoons for exercise. i.e prioritising it over other things. I’m not talking about anything crazy intense here or anything that has to take up more than 10 minutes of your commitment 3-4 times a week. But apparently exercise really does help keep us as healthy as possible.

Between Law and Theatre

So it must have been November time when i came up with the clever idea to change degrees, change the course of my life. And embark on the journey of considering, thinking and eventually applying for and getting an offer to study Theatre at the university I currently attend and study Law at. Now this was a long process, with a lot of careful thought and consideration before I made the application. It took me 5 months to finally get my act together and decide to make the application. Deciding that I would regret not taking the opportunity to study what I love. What I have a genuine interest in. So I did and within 24 hours I was invited to a selection day, which happened around a month and a half later.

During this month and a half I went through all the motions. Starting with my friend, or “friend” as she should be more aptly termed as to be in line with the current state of affairs. Anyway it started with her basically saying I couldn’t act, but in that nicey nice civil politically correct way which I oh so hate. That oh you have potential. In that awful tone of voice that says it all. You don’t have potential. Your rubbish. And then she said it all, dropping the nicey niceyness and saying I’m offputting on stage. Now if that didn’t hit my already incredibly low confidence hard. That statement I can never get out of my head. I’m off putting on stage. No not the statement the word. Offputting. This is why I have no friends, this is why I can’t get a job, this is why my family are the way they are towards me. This is why I can’t act. Why I never got the main role and was always shoved in the background, given some pathetically minor role that says “well done for trying, but you really don’t cut it, but obviously to be politically correct we have to give you a role, we can’t just leave you, this one person in the class, the year group, the extra curricular club out.” And then she went on to say she thinks I’m making a mistake. Great way to support a friend right? Telling her she’s making a mistake. Another thing I can’t get out of my head. What if I am making a mistake? What if this is all wrong and despite months of consideration this is a stupid path to embark upon. 

I got a C in GCSE Drama for god sake, off course I’m not equipped to study Theatre.

And second there’s the way people look at me when they find out I might be switching. Trying to be excited for me, pretending even. But not doing a very good job of it. You’re always able to see through it. See that they also think your making a mistake. Because lets face it. You’re the last person to succeed on a theatre degree, to fit in even. Your not confident, you don’t party, you can be highly introverted. Not to mention your A levels involved nothing even remotely creative. Oh and your off putting on stage. Which just adds to the idea that your making a mistake to anyone who’s ever seen you on stage. Because lets face it. Why would any one want to see me on stage? Why would anyone see me as a theatre student.

And thirdly and finally, there’s my parents. Who try to be supportive but you can tell they want me to stick with law. Which I 100% whole hardheartedly understand. What with Law seeming like a more practical degree in terms of future career options and the extra debt coming from the 4th year at university. And what if I hate it and want to drop out after first year and that’s just more debt with no gain in terms of career prospects at-least.

I guess all of this just exacerbates the fears I had and thought I’d reconciled with and justified before taking the plunge. The fears I’d not overcome but decided that they were fears that shouldn’t stop me. And now it’s all come back. And my guts telling me to do law but the thought of declining that offer. It makes me even more depressed than I have been feeling at times lately. It just feels like I’m sending myself into an Abyss of darkness and cluelessness. An Abyss of studying something I’m not passionate about with no end goal. No plan in life.

By declining that offer I feel I would be plunging myself into an abyss with no way out.

But I’m so terrified of theatre, even though it’s what I want. What I enjoy. What I have a genuine interest in. And the selection day, despite initial nerves ended up feeling so natural. A stark contrast to my law applicant day last year where I felt so out of my depth.

And at the end of the day right now, nothing seems like the right option. Nothing seems like my path in life, my destiny. Or even. This will make me happy. I think theatre will make me happy but will it? What if I can’t manage balancing the academic and practical requirements.What everyone in my year hates me? What if I fail? Or don’t get that 2:1 I oh so desperately want whatever degree I conclude. At the end of the day Law is the safe option. But it’s not what I want in life. But it’s an excuse to hide in the library rather than coming home to a house of so called friends. It’s the same to what I’ve been doing all these years. Revise for the exam, pass the exam. It’s just not what my heart is telling me…

So here I am. In a state of confusion. Unsure about what’s wrong or right. Unsure about my path in life. In a position in which a decision needs to be made but feeling paralysed as to my abilities in making that decision.

Uni Anxiety Already?

Hello everyone, today I just need to get things out. And rather than talk them through because lets face it. I have no one to talk to. I’m going to write the through in the hope that someone may help reassure and calm me about what the rest of my life or the next 4 years atleast has to hold.

I’m supposedly going to uni in september. To study law. Either in east london or north london. Yes the big scary city. It is not so much the big city that is daunting me though. I love london.

It’s the indapendance. And the having to live with other people. Having to manage money.

First things first I have a phobia of vomiting. So what if I don’t get allocated an ensuite. I will be 100% a mess otherwise. And what if someone else gets sick? Even if I do have an ensuite I don’t know if I will beable to cope with that because what if I catch it? And I am so scared of vomiting… So so so scared…

And what if everyone hates me. My mum has sad it any times before. “Everyone will hate you at uni.” I’m so scared of being alone, I already am alone but I’m scared of being more alone than  already am and I don’t know if  will be able to handle being around other people all the time. People scare me. Especially people my own age because some of them are so horrible. I’ve never really fit in anywhere. What if I don’t fit in at university?

And then theres this money issue which effects my whole life. I’m scred of spending money to do things I want… I’m scared of spending money on anything other than food or to replace things that are broken. And thats actually going to prevent me from being able to make friends at university. I’m also scared I won’t be able to get a job, baring in mind i seem to be completely unemployable given the jobs I’ve applied for in the last year… What if I don’t have enough money? And my mparents won’t help because “I need to get a job.” I can’t help that no where wants to employ me. I can’t help that I may be too crippled with anxiety to even consider gettng a Job…

Anyway. I think that explains it all…

Honestly. I’m considering moving to thailand and just figuring this mess of life out from there. But ob course with my vomiting phobia which also extends to diarrhea the water issue and long flight also causes issues.