The one where my body forced me to slow down

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March has been such a month that I feel like there should be an entire blog post dedicated to it. I think I’ve hinted that I was previously running myself into the ground and March was the month my body said no.

It actually didn’t start horrifically and by that I mean the first couple of days of the month weren’t too bad. I onsighted all the things within my grade range on the autos up at the time. Even a 6b on the continuous overhang. And if you know me you know that the continuous overhang is hell! The pump is real but I stayed calm, focused on body positioning and somehow it happened.

The month then very quickly deteriorated. Both in terms of my health and my ability to climb. Although I did find ways around my bodies extra limitations and was climbing the same grades where it suited and could find a unique beta to compensate! Some things were also going on at work at the end of February which were negatively impacting on my mental health. I hated being in the office and believed by team hated me. I was over it by the second week of March but I do suspect the extra stress didn’t do me any good.

The month involved a lot of pretending I was okay through extreme dizziness and pressure in the back of my head. Through muscle weakness and balance issues. Through a non-existent level of concentration and decreased cognitive function. It took a toll on my work performance (although I will still largely hitting stats…) and meant I couldn’t project and step the climbing up a notch.

It also involved a lot of openly admitting that I wasn’t okay. Sitting on the mats, feeling incredibly dizzy and clearly not looking well. Openly admitting to my line manager and her manager that my ME is flaring and I wasn’t doing particularly great. I found I didn’t have the energy to get up early enough to put make up on anymore and if I did I felt so dizzy that I had to take mornings super slowly.

My mask well and truly gone.

I came 16th in a climbing competition, both in that round and on the overall. Topping 9 problems – which is more than I managed the previous month. I think the setting just suited me a lil better but maybe that’s a sign of actual progress. Had a great time with friends, adrenalined up because my façade is important. Not for other people but for myself.

For one night I was a normal 22 year old.

I got a grade 2 hamstring strain and did some damage to the ligaments in the back of my knee. Climbed with one leg 2 days later because both got too painful. Not for my pain tolarence but because I knew I was injured although at that point had not gone to get it checked out.

March might actually be the month I saw some sense. Yes my body forced me to stop. I was well and truly done. That first sick day and a half. I couldn’t sit through that endometriosis pain for another minute. I couldn’t sit through those ME symptoms for another minute.

But I also saw some sense. At some point something clicked and I was like no.

Health first. (I say this all the time then we swiftly give up)

I got my leg checked out after it hadn’t improved in four days. Something I wouldn’t normally do which is why I still have so many lasting injuries. I’ve had a back injury since the end of November.

I peaced out of the office at 9:30 one morning because my ME was not playing and used some sense by taking the next day off.

I expressed by concerns over the you know what situation and peaced out for a further 10 days.

Ironically I then got a suspected case of you know what that night. If that doesn’t describe ME in a nutshell I don’t know what does. My body finally saw a chance to rest and it got sick.

The last nearly two weeks have been spent trying to be productive and get what I need done, mainly from laying on the couch. They have also been spent unable to walk unaided, collapsing, passing out. Unable to cook, which fortunately for me I had sufficiently meal prepped minus a chilli I had to make. (By make I mean put beans in a pan, put sweetcorn in the pan, put the jar of sauce in a pan and bobs your uncle).

I have ordered pizzas because I’ve not been able to stomach the food I have nor go to a shop to get the food. There’s been lots of naps. Lots of being unable to nap but feeling too unwell to do anything. And I mean anything.

I’ve had many symptoms I’ve not had in a while and it’s been scary.

The world has changed and horrible as it sounds it’s nice to not feel inadequate because of my ME. It’s nice to not have to deal with the “I can’t say no” when I’m invited somewhere that would likely give me payback.

It’s nice to not have to try to be a normal functioning 22 year old yet still falling short.

God has definitely carried be through the times. I’ve got through being sick before. I can do it again, as long as I put the work in. Take the supplements I have, gentle movement, slowly getting more intense as I recover from this virus (I mean slowly). The church. In terms of the physical space doesn’t exist right now for many of us, if not all of us reading this. But we can still find ways to worship and feel gods presence. I’m going to join an online service at 6pm tonight. Can these online services last pls! Faith is how I stay grounded.

This month has been a weird one. For everyone. But we’re nearly through it. The weather is currently glorious, although I’m currently in a dressing gown with my electric blanket on and my heating on… It’s sunny. And hopefully as spring and summer come in there will be more sun to come!

That’s it from me. How’s March been for you?

 

 

 

Words from an ME flare

I’m in the midst of an ME flare, something I should have seen coming. Something I should have got a grip on the second I noticed it starting nearly a month ago now. Many thoughts have gone through my head. If only I took a sick day at the time it started. What if this is now my new baseline and even sitting up feels like running a marathon again. What if I lose my spirit, my soul and stop climbing. (Spoiler alert, I won’t. But what if I’m forced to). Climbing is my identity, my passion and my sanctuary. I can’t bare to lose it again.

That aside, living with ME is HARD. Especially in a flare up. When everything is so unknown and you are so unbelievably drained that you can’t even put up a false front anymore. When you feel all the guilt, all the worry that no one believes you and thinks your just trying to get out of life and the fear. It can be hard to not let it take over and mess with your mental health, which is really needed during these times.

It’s hard to go through your body being so drained that you just can’t anything. Living with an illness more commonly known as “chronic fatigue syndrome” when it’s more than just fatigue. It’s impossible for people to understand due to the fluctuations in and dare I say it, the name and lack of research into the illness. No one sees us at our worst and often people see us looking okay when the reality is we feel the opposite.

In these times, when you have 101 things to do and aren’t up to one of them it’s important to have grace and alongside that have faith that it will get better. You can only do so much and sometimes flare ups happen with no reason behind them and no fault of your own. They just happen.

I find my faith helps me. Cheesy as it sounds and I know it doesn’t help some people but god does have a plan. I may not be a practising Christian in the sense that alongside other commitments I do not have the spoons to go to church. Nethertheless, dealing with what life throws at me with grace and having that faith is a key to me coping with this and not getting eaten up by it.

It’s hard and it takes practice but it’s so so necessary to deal with this chronic illness life.

 

 

Why I climb and will continue to do so even if I can no longer work full time

 

I feel like this is round 2 of “if your well enough to do x then you can work.” But god am I angry and upset and generally don’t like my job and no ones even done anything major yet. Also haven’t been off sick despite severe pain because god forbid people see me have a life.

I’m in a really bad pain flare this week. Endo = fibro going haywire and later on will lead to HSD going haywire. I’m also normal person sick which doesn’t help matters and incredibly busy! (Doing things I enjoy and want to do but still.)

So I guess it doesn’t take a lot to piss me off and make me feel out of sorts. Functioning at a v high level I.e being out of the house other than to sleep with 8/10 endo pain is fucking hard and yes makes me easily irritated with peoples ignorance to the realities of living with multiple chronic illnesses.

I once said to my friend that if I got signed off sick I would climb every day and okay. Maybe not every day cause bodies need breaks and only if i wasn’t signed off sick cause I had to have a surgery or something. But near enough. I stand by that and this post will tell you why.

A) I have HSD and H-EDS has been thrown around a few times. One way to combat these illnesses or atleast that part that causes joint dislocations is to be hyper strong. Our tendons are under more stress than the average human because our joints hyperextend. Building muscles helps prevent injury and pain. In addition to this we also seem to start to decondition  quicker. Meaning. I need to climb. Climbing is the only exercise I can do that doesn’t make my ME worse and the only exercise that relives that awful brain swelling feeling that causes so much dizziness. Don’t ask me why don’t ask me how. But it is. Even gentle Pilates will leave me stuck on the bedroom floor. Climbing is my physio. It’s my road to recovery.

B) My mental wellbeing is also important. Climbing makes me happy. It makes life worth living. It pushes me to be accountable to myself. Makes me better at taking my supplements, try  to get adequate rest and eat a better diet. All of these things are hella expensive and take a lot of commitment. I would much rather spend my money on fun but this is the reality and when I climb, I remember how far I’ve come and that I need to do my best to balance everything. Tagged onto this is I need to see people. Life with a chronic illness is incredibly isolating. My gym is very social I love it. It is almost impossible to go through a climbing session without speaking to someone. My view to health is that your physical wellbeing affects your mental wellbeing and vice versa. If you want a healthy happy Hannah she needs to climb.

C) There is a big difference between working 8 hours a day and having a short sesh at the gym or a chill social sesh where you spend more time laying or sitting on the mats than climbing. This is especially true considering the different types of energy. Yes climbing is cognitive but not in the same way as reading and analysing information for 8 hours a day. It can be so easy to be quick to judge as to whether someone is faking or not. I know, I too have been guilty of this in the past. Not necessarily faking but just picking and choosing.

I urge everyone to be more mindful and maybe think a little more before judging. It can be hard to see something from the disabled persons side even if your disabled because we’re all so unique but try and if you need to ask questions, ask ahead.

 

Injuries, fatigue and new highs

 

This week has been an interesting one and exhausting af. I already started the week quite low on spoons because I haven’t had enough rest at the weekends for the last couple of weeks. Monday, I had work and then went climbing as I had signed up to a coaching session. I found it really useful and after, with the help of some friendly gym people got pretty far up a v3-4 that is soooo not me. Crimpy and overhanging. I blame the attempts on that problem for the state my left hand is in. I also completed a V3-4 which I had literally just been misreading the pervious week! (again friendly people are useful). I also did a few of the comp problems that looked challenging but doable in no more than 3 attempts. It was nice to see that there was a range of problems at a level that I could do in a comp setting tbh. Seeing as I wimped out of the comp for that reason.

So we come to Tuesday when I find all the tendons are sore. In both hands. I’d been struggling a little with my right hand but nothing major and no issues with climbing just tendons overreacting cause hypermobility puts more strain on them. But such is life, hey? We had four hours of no work to do and I legit went crazy and signed up to paranationals. Although I’m not a route climber by discipline anymore and find bouldering way more fun and social despite being more of a challenge I want to get myself back into competing and a) I’m a paraclimber b) I definitely feel more secure competing on a top rope.

Wednesday was a climbing day (and a work day but nothing of interest occurred). Climbing was good and despite my best intentions to not put too much pressure through my fingers I may have but didn’t make the situation any worse and did a V3 I couldn’t do the first move of a month ago in two parts, completed another V3-4 and flashed a V2-3 antistyle comp problem. So it was worth it.

Thursday I climbed again and really did my fingers in on some two finger pockets on a 6b+ I didn’t quite manage. But that’s okay. I couldn’t try it more than once because of my fingers but I know I have it in me. Shame I don’t go to that wall often enough! I think It’ll be a couple of weeks now until my next visit.

The middle left hand finger got destroyed a little more on Friday when I was putting my jeans on. Yes putting my jeans on. I had a rheumatology appointment and H-eds was mentioned for the first time and there was talk about referring me to a fibro clinic. Also had another three viles of blood drawn and was left not feeling at all well and with no head in the game at work but some days that’s how it is. We win some and lose some. I went home after work, rested and ordered wagas cause I was just so dizzy and also deserved it.

Saturday, I worked on an application and rested before I went climbing and despite only intending on 4s and 5s ended up flashing a 6b and 6b+ and finishing off a v steep and elongated 6a+ (I can confirm when the auto belay lowered me I was on the floor. It was exhausting). I also tried a couple of 6cs and got pretty far. One I tried to project a little and got most of the moves down but was just too weak to send. The other I didn’t want to try twice as it was crimpy and although slabby I was conscious of the stress on my fingers. But 6c I will get you again.

Then I got home and realised my tendon was a little more of a mess. So now we are buddy taped and hopefully all will be good by Wednesday (my next climb). My elbow has also been playing up again as I have a loose piece of bone or something in it and injuring it by falling a few weeks ago aggravated that so would rather not one hand climb. Also getting lots of rest as I can barely stand without almost passing out today!

The only one your competing against is yourself

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This blog should be retitled “lessons learnt from climbing.” Okay but seriously, I thought this title was apt for the post that I’m going to make.

Comparison is the thief of joy. I say this a lot and I really mean it. I know that a lot of us with a history of anxiety, depression and eating disorders will compare ourselves a lot. A literal common trait amongst anorexic is a toxic desire to be the best. This means that even once we’ve recovered – we will compare ourselves and beat ourselves up and push ourselves to dangerous extremes in different aspects of our lives. I literally ended up largely bed bound because I was trying to be everything I thought I should be at uni and then sacrificed all but my degree.

I spent 2019 really trying to find that balance and yes I still studied mad hours, and sacrificed all else because there wasn’t really much else I could do and yes I graduated top of my class. But it was worth it. It was so, so so worth it. I was trying to be the best law student that I could possibly be without causing my health to deteriorate and I made it. But even then, even when I had the right motivations I still had those “x is going to write a better diss than me” breakdowns.

I’m here to say that it doesn’t matter if x writes a better diss than you or is a better climber than you or does that problem and you can’t or consistently gets more stats at work than you. None of that matters.

Since graduating I’ve really found my balance some more. I’ve accepted that some days you win and others you lose. I’ve learnt that pushing myself to relentlessly fill out training contract applications day in day out is not the method to success in life. I have also realised that I have many years to be successful in whatever career that may be and there is no rush!

Just because X seemingly is better than something than you or gets more legal work experience or wins climbing competitions or gets a training contract before you or wins some nomination at work it doesn’t mean your not enough.

Yes you may feel your talents go unnoticed sometimes or that you have none because they go unnoticed. And that’s really sad, I’ve been there. You do have talents even if you feel like no one notices them.

What I’ve learnt and slowly come to realise is that there is no point comparing yourself to x. Yes you may take useful tips from x but it is important to remember that we are all different and we all have different priorities in life. We also all have different journeys in life.

And that is okay!

We can’t all be the best at everything and wouldn’t the world be boring if we all were.
This year I’m testing out the climbing competition waters again. Now I may have wimped out of the first round of my walls winter bouldering league even though there were problems set from absolute beginner upwards but after looking at the problems and climbing a few of them I realised there was no reason for me to wimp out. Maybe I would have come last but who cares? It’s about learning and developing. I have registered for paraclimbing nationals because what better time to try and make that teenage dream come true.

I know I’m not strong enough, good enough at route reading this year to win or even make finals. But I think that’s the beauty of it. It’s about learning to climb in that environment again and learning to train hard but not too hard. It’s about meeting people, pursuing my passion and being the best climber I can be.

The only person your competing against is yourself. We all have our own life journeys and climbing journeys alike. We all have our own strengths, weaknesses and experiences. I’ve learnt to enjoy the small signs of progression and am slowly learning not to feel disheartened if progression doesn’t feel fast enough or I feel like I’m having a bad session or that I’m the worst.

I can’t train hard every session with my conditions and that’s okay. Technique based sessions are also important as well as social sessions.

This 2020 I’m making a vow to myself. To not compare. To not beat myself up for not being the best. I am me and that is enough.

A week of prevailing and failing through pain and fatigue.

It’s time for another week in the life. This past week has been characterised by lots of pain, lots of fatigue, getting lost and climbing.

Monday was my first day on the difficult cases at work and it was so much more fun than work has been! I found it much easier to get through the day with a little more cognitive stimulation. I went for a climb in the evening and took it easy as my elbow was causing me pain at work and I didn’t want to do any further damage. I spent a lot of time chatting to people which is one of my favourite things about bouldering and did a lot of technique/route reading practice and flashed a purple (v3-4) for the first time ever! (Yes I flashed a V3-5 over xmas but different centre so I’m taking the glory again.) Although I love projecting I really want to get myself more consistent and that purple was an important step towards that.

Tuesday was a bad endo day and not great mental health day as I was a stressed out mess over the GP appointment I had the next day and pain wears you down. I got home and I just couldn’t and hilariously enough the pain just got drastically worse once I was home. Isn’t potentially having endo, potentially having PCOS, potentially having something else all together so much fun. Anyway. I went to bed early got 11 hours sleep and on we go to Wednesday.

I had a GP appointment and she actually took me seriously and listened. I had to find my way to the hospital after the appointment and got a little lost cause the cold and google maps drains your battery. But, I found my way and got the 3 viles of blood taken. I am also getting another ultrasound at some point. I think of the transvaginal variety. Absolutely not looking forward to that! Went into work for the afternoon and god were the cases bad. Or maybe I’m just a bad caseworker. I then climbed and not gonna lie my right bicep is still sore as we were doing endurance stuff and being me, I may have pushed it a little too far but it did feel really good to be in the training area, doing actual exercise like the old Han would be. I also resent a purple after the session which is mad! I’ve never resent a purple before. *Slight disclaimer here is yes in grades, yes 4 years ago, yes before I took 3 years out* It was another sign towards me slowly getting myself towards my goals.

Thursday was a horrific endo day. How I worked and smashed my stats I will never know. But anyway, I got home, applied for a law event and then accidently napped. Woke up, got ready for bed and then slept for another 10 hours.

I felt beyond dreadful on Friday. But I powered through the bad cases and got as many grants as I could. Didn’t hit stats but what can we do. Not much. I literally just crashed when I got home and ended up with that horrendous midcycle migraine. You know the one so painful that you can’t eat, can’t do anything, can’t tolerate any light but also can’t sleep. It was traumatic.

Nevertheless, I took myself on a trip to rock over on Saturday and although I didn’t explore the whole wall, I spent 4 hours there! My hands were a wreck! I really enjoyed the different setting and movement that I had to do even on “easy grades”. I also felt super fancy on duotex holds and flashed a super fun lil v4 and the first few moves of a v5!. I did however aggravate my elbow again and have somehow aggravated the left one as well. My pain was horrendous Saturday night so again late night but got 10 hours sleep and still feel like hell so trying to rest as much as I can.

Lots of learning, subluxations and theatre.

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It’s time for another week in the life. I’m definitely considering two posts a week so I can do more of these but still write the awareness raising, life lesson and inspirational posts.

Anyway lets begin.

Monday was a work day. That 9-5 life. The cases were certainly better than they had been over the last few weeks but not great so I got 22 grants. Not enough but I’m not defining myself by my work stats or any other type of grade or number. 22 is so much better than the 10 I’d been scraping! I went home after work, ate food and tried to work on a family specific training contract application.

Tuesday I started shadowing some of the harder cases although I don’t think I quite braved taking the mouse myself then! The “red cases” like the red boulder problems I’d love to be stable on by the end of 2020 are such a huge step up! Lots of cognitive power and stress and disappointment. But I definitely appreciated a chance to learn something new and to give my wrists and fingers a break from standard desk based tasks as my joints have been struggling this week. I climbed in the evening and not gonna lie it wasn’t the best session and it was hard to not feel deflated but I did what I said I would and took it easy! I flashed the new set V1s and 2-3s of the day and started projecting some “swirly’s” which I feel in my soul so hopefully I’ll have a chance to get back to them. I also did an advanced footwork class and did my first ever roof move (on a v7 to practice heel hooks). I also very much realised my core needs work and that is part of why I’m still struggling with overhangs despite my technique on them improving. But hey, after being largely bed bound for so long what can I expect?

Wednesday, I was running on not much sleep. I’ve been struggling with sleep this week. With a combination of nausea, pain and noise from the pub next door it has been hard! Anywho. I felt super ill when I woke up in the morning and the coughing fit I had caused my right ovary to act up for the rest of the day. However my energy improved throughout the day and despite my joints feeling dreadful I went climbing (yes again). There’s a womens group on, on a Wednesday night which I like going to as the people are nice, most of them are better than be and give me useful tips which allow me to be the best me and it gets me trying new things on the wall without feeling silly. This Wednesday especially was incredible. It was quite chill, we spent a while just catching up and chatting before warming up. There were some new people there and it was the first session after Christmas so a lot to catch up on! Not gonna lie, I didn’t do the 10 squat jumps we were meant to as my body just couldn’t. I would have collapsed. (Just a warning sign to the ME flare that later ensued. I accomplished two v2-3s that I had been struggling with, due to fear more than anything else and realised that actually if I commit, I can do those big moves. They look scarier than they feel! I also resent a v2-3 in a more technical and much easier way as well as getting another v3-4 with some help and support from the more experienced members of the group. That’s what? 7 v3-4 problems I’ve now accomplished. Mostly slabby but it’s start to reaching my goals despite chronic illness. My muscles were struggling hard on Wednesday. Those little legs of mine were just not okay. I think this is why I fell of a V1 that I have yet to conquer (at a low height) and partially dislocated my elbow because I was a tit and put my arm down. I (yes am a tit) and continued climbing on it, so to this day. My elbow is still not 100%. But anywho. Good session and I came out of it feeling so positive and uplifted and it just reminded me of why I love this sport so so much.

Thursday was another learning at work day. I think it was Thursday that I really started to find my confidence with these red cases. In the afternoon the ME flare ensued so I got home and binged spinning out, curled up on the sofa. I couldn’t sleep that night cause the pressure in the back of my head and the dizziness so another not enough sleep night but such is life.

Friday was an interesting one. Even more confidence on those reds although I was feeling so unwell in the afternoon that I was just like “no. I can’t.” Honestly the pressure in the back of my head and the dizziness resulting meant that I was close to going home sick because I had visions of another car park incident. Hilariously enough. I didn’t and then (more Hannah may or may not be a tit) I went climbing. Because of my elbow I took myself to awesome walls as being on an auto belay would minimise the chances of making it worse (no high impact falls. Just low impact collapsing in a heap when it gets you down). This was my first time on a rope and colourful holds for 5 years or so. MADNESS. But it was great (although exhausting). I think I just completely forgot how to rope climb at the beginning of the session so I was using my arms too much which lead to v quick “shit I’m done”. Nevertheless, I ended up staying for two hours and I don’t think I’ve ever worked that hard. I’m not exactly sore from it but at the time it felt harder than any climbing I’ve done for years! I flashed numerous 5s. There were 2 I couldn’t do, but I think because I was so tired by the time I tried them. I also on sighted a 6a and 6a+. For a first rope session in a while I think that’s something to be proud of. I very sloppily got up most of a 6b, that I probably could have done in two parts but I tried numerous times and got more solid at what I could do however couldn’t find a way around my lack of quad strength and the fact that I couldn’t push to much on the wall with my right arm due to my elbow. If I go back before a reset it’s a project I’m definitely coming back to. I also tried two 6b+s which I know I can do all the moves of in my soul but stamina and the unique difficulties I have with balance, struggling to feel my hands and feet on the wall as well as stability and power meant they just were not happening. I for whatever reason undercrimped? Is that a thing. I realised today that maybe that hold was meant for a toe hook so might try that if I go back to it. It was a good session but bloody exhausting. I am definitely a boulderer. I don’t know when that conversion happened. (Think I could also be a lead climber tho cause my issue with top rope is the rope gets in your way sometimes!) I realised if I am going to do the whole competitive paraclimbing thing there is a lot of work to do! Although it probably is better to compete this year as a practice run for when I’m hopefully stronger and have a chance of doing well so…. paraclimbing nationals at the end of the feb may indeed happen.

Saturday was HAMILTON! It was incredible. I mean it’s Hamilton of course it was. I really liked the Eliza who was on (don’t know whose cast right now in the west end soz). I mean I literally cried at burn. And then the tears just continued. If you know, You know. I also really loved Jefferson! He was great fun. And King George always is. My collarbones wearnt’t in place all day and my neck was feeling unstable but it was so worth it! Isn’t Hamilton always?

Today, I finished spinning out and asides from trying to make sure I have semi order in my flat I’m really trying to rest. I can barely stand up so not hard. But also is.

I hope you all had a good week! I will be back with another post next week.

Fear of getting back on that rope

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Yes. I am aware. We are becoming a climbing blog which is dangerous because I have v few decent bouldering pictures left and 0 rope pictures so stock pictures it is until I get new ones taken!

Anywho. This is highly related to mental health, chronic illness and why I boulder. For people who have followed me for a while you will know that when I climbed competitively I had anorexia. As I competed regionally, these were top rope competitions. I was a top rope climber and I did a little lead which I fell in love with instantly and need to relearn and find people to do so with.

Back in the day, climbing got very tied up with my eating disorder. How tight was my harness? Had I gained weight? Heck does my harness still fit me? People with eating disorders are also often perfectionists, very competitive and have to be the best. And here comes my I used to measure myself by a climbing grade.

But I used to beat myself up if I couldn’t do x climb as well as y. I literally pushed myself through beyond excruciating collar bone pain, two weeks after my injury to get up a relatively easy overhang climb because my partner did it easily and I didn’t want to show weakness. I then even lied to my climbing instructor about the pain because I didn’t want to show weakness.

Now climbing with multiple chronic pain conditions – yes I do push myself through excruciating pain. Yes I have partially dislocated hips, toes and shoulders on the wall. But that’s now. Now when I am also making an effort to be very self aware. And that’s okay.

But in 2014. It wasn’t and I recognise that now. A hobby shouldn’t turn into yet another facet of a severe mental illness.  So I stopped competing and 2 years later ended up exclusively bouldering.

Bouldering – (although I was still way more obsessed with that number than I should have been, meaning I didn’t practice my weaknesses) was a way to escape from that connection. It also took away the harness. Bouldering allowed me to love the sport again and find myself. Through bouldering I found my freedom.  I never thought I’d see myself as a boulderer. I still often catch myself resending a problem and realising I’m climbing like a top roper. But bouldering gave me that freedom when I needed it the most. Strangely I find bouldering a lot more social too!

So now here I am. More in love with the sport than I have been since I was 15/16 and anorexic. And I want to get back on that rope. If I can fund it. It is also an integral part of at least  one of my 2020 climbing goals and maybe a 2nd new goal since realising how much I miss competing.

But I have 2 fears. One is mental health related. Will getting back on a rope suddenly make it feel more serious again and make me take it too seriously and will I as a result, fall out of love. Am I in a place where I will take each day as it comes and not obsess about getting that grade? I think I am. But what if I’m not.

The second is physical health related. Do I have the endurance? What will the payback be like? Now of course I recognise top roping will be easier on my joints than bouldering as no high impact falls or jumps. But what about my ME?

Now of course I don’t know unless I try. And yeah maybe it will be a waste of £9. Maybe the payback will be more than I can hack. Maybe I can’t even top the wall on the easiest of routes. Or maybe it will feel even more like coming home than getting back into the sport 6 weeks ago did.

There’s no way of knowing until I try. So even if I have to diarise it. I will take that leap. And I dare everyone reading this to take a leap too. With anything that has been scaring them but they also know, in their heads and they’re hearts that it’s what they want.