Let’s talk autism, meltdowns and mental health.

Okay I know an employer doesn’t want to read this but I think it’s important to share and writing helps me get my thoughts out.

I’m probably autistic. I say probably because my parents think I am. It’s the word they’ve used against me when I’ve acted really not very mentally well. The word they’ve used to guilt trip me and the word they’ve used to make me feel like I’m a burden on them.

It’s not just my parents though, people with some sort of knowlege of autism have also recognised it. I just don’t have an official diagnosis because my parents wanted to “protect me.” All they’ve done is exclude me even more. All they’ve done is give me more challenges. I’ve not been provided with sensory items to cope with my autism, therapy to help me come to terms with it or been able to access accommodations and awareness in workplaces. This made my last job especially much harder than it already was.

Along with this I have mental health issues. I don’t know what exactly and I definitely think I need further investigations. A lot of the time if I’m up, I’m on top of the world. If I’m down, I’m down to the point it hurts. If I’m up I can be very impulsive and have to stop myself from spending too much. I may make reckless decisions safety wise and have got myself into my overdraft before when I really hadn’t needed to. If I’m up I’ll stay up until 1am, want to stay up more. Make the most of having some sort of energy that’s putting some sort of mask on the ME induced fatigue. I’ll be creative. Start new projects. I’ll be more ambitious, put myself forward more and apply for things. I’ll climb when maybe that’s not the most sensible decision at the time. I’ll not be able to concentrate. 101 things wizzing round my mind at a time. The me who can go out, drink until 4am not sleep at all and climb the next day. The one who is very energised doing so! I’ll feel like superwoman.

And when I’m low, I can’t stop crying. Staring at a screen, with nothing getting done. I may self harm. I get increasingly frustrated at little things. I honestly just want to cease to exist and sometimes I fantasize over the possibility of completing the unliving. I’m so depressed it’s paralysing. Wanting nothing but to curl up in a ball but the your going to fail anxiety wins. Not that I’m productive or able to think straight.

And then there’s the paranoid me, the horrible me. The yeeting phones into walls me. The me who wants to escape so much and is hurting so much that she leaves the house in the dark with nothing but a thin bouse when it’s -3 degrees outside. The me who loses friends and frays relationships with family. I don’t know if that’s an autism meltdown or a sign of another mental illness. But that me is never the one. It’s always distressing and always a blur. I never remember exactly what happened.

Right now I’m low. Low after something my dad said to me when I was acting not at all mentally well. It’s a deep low. A hole I feel just gets deeper the more I try to climb my way out.

2 thoughts on “Let’s talk autism, meltdowns and mental health.

  1. Hilary Tan January 23, 2021 / 12:31 am

    There are different degrees of Autism, with some being more severe than others. I think have Asperger’s although it hasn’t been officially diagnosed. I show the symptoms of someone with Aspies. It has been incredibly difficult maintaining friendships and I am a highly-sensitive person. I cannot tolerate noise at all. My instinct is to self-isolate from everyone because social interaction is very draining. Also, I tend to interrupt conversations A LOT, and tune people out even though that is not my intention. Much of this also overlaps with borderline personality disorder (BPD) so I really don’t know what I have in all honesty. 🤷‍♀️

    As for racing thoughts, that could be related to ADD or ADHD. A lot of these things overlap, which makes getting a proper diagnosis very challenging. For a while, I was convinced that I had ADD but I am quite sure it is Aspies. Hopefully you can get this checked out, especially if it is bothering you. Or, you could always try to make peace with it.

    • Spooonielivingfree January 23, 2021 / 11:09 am

      Thank you lovely. I’m getting an autism assessment because I need the closure from the years it’s been used against me. It’s expensive I feel just knowing for sure would help tbh because then at least I’d be able to access support. Yep, I’ve often wondered whether I have BPD. I’m honestly not at all good at maintaining friends. Either because I’m too shy sending the first message out of fear of them not replying and being rejected or because I actively push people away when I’m really not in a good place. I’m not too noise sensitive, other than with voices of my family or football fans in the pub I used to live next to or door noises. I don’t go out because of my chronic illnesses but when I do I tend to enjoy it but definitely couldn’t do it regularly! I can also have bizarrely rapid mood swings from one end to the other. So who knows. Yep, I’ve had friends with ADHD suggest I may have it. There’s quite a huge cross over as well so it’s all very hard to figure out!

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