Let’s talk autism, meltdowns and mental health.

Okay I know an employer doesn’t want to read this but I think it’s important to share and writing helps me get my thoughts out.

I’m probably autistic. I say probably because my parents think I am. It’s the word they’ve used against me when I’ve acted really not very mentally well. The word they’ve used to guilt trip me and the word they’ve used to make me feel like I’m a burden on them.

It’s not just my parents though, people with some sort of knowlege of autism have also recognised it. I just don’t have an official diagnosis because my parents wanted to “protect me.” All they’ve done is exclude me even more. All they’ve done is give me more challenges. I’ve not been provided with sensory items to cope with my autism, therapy to help me come to terms with it or been able to access accommodations and awareness in workplaces. This made my last job especially much harder than it already was.

Along with this I have mental health issues. I don’t know what exactly and I definitely think I need further investigations. A lot of the time if I’m up, I’m on top of the world. If I’m down, I’m down to the point it hurts. If I’m up I can be very impulsive and have to stop myself from spending too much. I may make reckless decisions safety wise and have got myself into my overdraft before when I really hadn’t needed to. If I’m up I’ll stay up until 1am, want to stay up more. Make the most of having some sort of energy that’s putting some sort of mask on the ME induced fatigue. I’ll be creative. Start new projects. I’ll be more ambitious, put myself forward more and apply for things. I’ll climb when maybe that’s not the most sensible decision at the time. I’ll not be able to concentrate. 101 things wizzing round my mind at a time. The me who can go out, drink until 4am not sleep at all and climb the next day. The one who is very energised doing so! I’ll feel like superwoman.

And when I’m low, I can’t stop crying. Staring at a screen, with nothing getting done. I may self harm. I get increasingly frustrated at little things. I honestly just want to cease to exist and sometimes I fantasize over the possibility of completing the unliving. I’m so depressed it’s paralysing. Wanting nothing but to curl up in a ball but the your going to fail anxiety wins. Not that I’m productive or able to think straight.

And then there’s the paranoid me, the horrible me. The yeeting phones into walls me. The me who wants to escape so much and is hurting so much that she leaves the house in the dark with nothing but a thin bouse when it’s -3 degrees outside. The me who loses friends and frays relationships with family. I don’t know if that’s an autism meltdown or a sign of another mental illness. But that me is never the one. It’s always distressing and always a blur. I never remember exactly what happened.

Right now I’m low. Low after something my dad said to me when I was acting not at all mentally well. It’s a deep low. A hole I feel just gets deeper the more I try to climb my way out.

2021 GOALS

I always like goal setting at the beginning of each year so here are my goals for 2021

  1. Get a distinction in my masters
  2. Film one second a day
  3. Start Ballet (Okay COVID will have to calm for this because I don’t really have space in my bedroom but I can do what I can!)
  4. Learn keyboard and continue writing a musical about ME/CFS (This will be a goal for the 2nd part of the year because LPC life but i definitely want to get it done even if it never sees the light of day!
  5. Climb v3/4 regularly again (COVID dependent but I’m sure we can make it happen!)
  6. Continue challenging myself on overhangs and roofs
  7. Become a better advocate for my health
  8. Be nicer to my family even when they’re not nice to me and saying things I really don’t agree with
  9. Get a job or find another income stream post masters
  10. Reach 250 followers on this blog
  11. Do physio daily (the back needs fixing)
  12. Eat healthier
  13. Keep up with and improve commercial awareness
  14. Climb outdoors (I do have a trip planned to hoping it goes ahead!)
  15. Get my splits back
  16. Take up every opportunity and stop hiding behind the fear of rejection
  17. Continue reading/listening to audio-books for pleasure
  18. Less procrastination and more engaged study time.

What are your goals in 2021!