Bisexual or Just a Lesbian – Questioning Sexuality

I don’t normally post about sexuality and LGBTQ+ issues but here we are. Please correct me if I get anything wrong.

I’ve known I wasn’t straight for a while. I think I knew that’s what it was when I was 13. I was attracted to men. I had a boyfriend but I was also hella attracted to women.

Honestly, I would marry certain female fictional characters if I could.

But I’m also attracted to real women.

I’ve never had a relationship with women because when I got sick I simply didn’t have the energy for one.

But I crave that relationship.

Over time I’ve learnt that I’m not really attracted to men sexually, but I still remain attracted to men romantically.

But women, I’m attracted to sexually. If I watch porn to masterbate it’ll be same sex female porn.

On that note if anyone can recommend good porn for females! As i feel a lot of Lesbian porn is made from the male gaze and quite frankly I don’t want anything to do with a lot of it.

So am I just a lesbian? Or does only being romantically attracted to men count as being bi?

I feel like being bisexual there is a lot of bi-erasure, a lot of pressure to just be gay.

I’ve had it so many times – oh your just a lesbian.

And that in itself creates a lot of self doubt over our identities.

It leaves you questioning. Who am I?

And to an extend that can make it hard for us to engage with the LGBTQ+ community. For bisexuals this community can often be the worst for us in terms of stigma, hate and bi erasure.

So who am I? People place so much importance of labels in society.

My take. It doesn’t matter. We shouldn’t eat ourselves up over our questioning. We should learn to be proud in the identity, the label that we feel most comfortable with. Even if we don’t match the stereotapes.

It’s okay to question. Questioning is natural and I believe that sexuality is fluid, it can change to some extent over time – especially for those of us who are bisexual. At times we may be more attracted to women or men and vise versa.

It’s okay. It’s okay to be you to be bisexual and proud and it’s okay to not know.

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.

My chronic illness is a monster

My chronic illness is a monster
It makes me less than
It makes me make mistakes
It makes me look lazy
Like I don’t care
Like I’m stupid

The pressure in my head so intense
The fog so thick
You say things that are incorrect
Communication incoherent
The fog so thick

You see words on the screen
The fog is so thick
You can’t read them
The words swirl around you
You can’t comprehend

The fog so thick
Fatigue so severe
Head pounding

You produce substandard work
Not because you don’t care
Not because your lazy
But because your sick.

Lockdown 2.0

Here we are again. The UK has entered a 4 week lockdown *touch wood*. Non essential shops are closed, restaurants, cafe’s, climbing walls.

Just as I was getting well enough to climb regularly again.

No I’m not impressed.

But it’s not the be all and end all. The schools are still open so I’m not stuck with my family all day every day, with no escape other than an “essential shop” or a walk that I don’t really have time or spoons for. I’m still finding walking quite difficult!

But seriously it’s given be a chance to work on my conditioning so I’m not constantly injured when the walls open again and hopefully I’ll be a better climber.

I can count on 2 hands the amount of times I’ve been climbing since lockdown 1.0, and lockdown 1.0 was characterised by a v sick han, collapsing multiple times a day just from walking around my old flat. Once I started feeling better and being able to stay on my feet I still wasn’t a well han. If I did climb I felt very unsafe. I often lost feeling in my legs and feet, being on the wall wasn’t an exception to this. Weak, dizzy, lots of pressure in the base of my skull. Like my whole body was about to shut down on me, and I felt like that a lot of time.

So as you can imagine I’m very deconditioned and don’t trust my legs. A chance to condition. When I can’t go anywhere else is actually quite helpful! I also might dedicate some time to baking and some ever so essential shops for supplies!

How is everyone in the UK feeling right now about 2.0? How is everyone else doing?