Let’s talk anxiety and online school

I know for some people online school is a lot easier for their anxiety. No physically having to go in. Interact with the real world. See people. But there are some parts of online school that I find even more anxiety provoking and people just don’t understand why so in the name of awareness raising I thought I’d share.

Discussion Boards

I don’t know why but posting on a discussion board stresses me out. Being able to do it is only a recent thing. I know it’s irrational so don’t go telling me that or to just get over it. The problem with having really low self esteem when you have those discussion boards where you can’t see answers until you comment. You may wonder why:

  • What if I’m wrong?
  • What if it looks like I haven’t tried?
  • What if it’s too much/too little?
  • What if I get negative responses?
  • What if people decide they don’t like me/I’m worthless/stupid because of what I post?

The virtual group task

Do we all hate these?

Especially when we all have our own commitments and some of us may be abroad so how the fuck are we supposed to make it work if we don’t have much mutually convenient time.

So why does this make me anxious. For me it’s the starting. It’s when no one reaches out to the group. No one takes the lead but you are too anxious to do so. Again pretty irrational. You may wonder why.

  • What if they think I’m a swot/nerd?
  • What if they think I have no life?
  • What if they think I’m being too pushy?
  • What if I don’t word it right?

It feels me with dread, it paralyses me and it makes me feel physically sick. I hope I’ll get more confident as the year goes on but right now that’s how it is.

How do you feel about online school and how has it affected your anxiety?

The difference between my mitochondria and yours

I have ME. When I say I have less energy than you I mean it at a cellular level.

My Mitochondria, that it the power house of the cell doesn’t do what yours does. It doesn’t produce energy the same way yours does.

You can get up, exercise for 2 hours, have a shower, work for a full day, some chores, walk the dog, read a book for fun all in one day,

That level of activity is something I dream about. To be able to sustain that without crashing and burning.

I lay on the floor to do some pilates based exercises and it drains me. So much so that getting off the floor is a struggle, if not impossible. My legs simply won’t.

You easily walk up the stairs. I walk slowly, clinging on to the banister. My legs feel weak and won’t move any faster even if I tried. Or I crawl. My legs not doing the stairs at all.

You can empty the dishwasher or hang the laundry quickly and without having to lie down after.

You go to bed and you wake up in the morning, maybe a bit groggy but you have a coffee and you can get on with the day.

I wake up in the morning, paralytically exhausted. Once I can move I’ll get up, have a coffee and a rest then try and get on with my day, fighting the need to nap for at least a couple of hours. My day is spaced out with intermittent rests and ice on the back of my head.

If you overdo it you feel quite tired so you take it easy and rest and you feel okay again.

I overdo it and my balance gets worse, I go into pre-syncope every time I stand up and may collapse just from trying to get to my own bathroom. My migraines get worse. My vision may get worse. My stomach may decide to stop digesting food. My legs, hands, feet and even face may go numb. My temperature regulation is worse than usual and my throat feels like like it’s being torn apart by razor blades. My light and noise sensitivity gets worse.

My body doesn’t produce energy in the same way yours does and it’s function is dependent on careful pacing, which is often better luck than judgement.