God has it been a long time since I last wrote here. Work and trying to become a lawyer seems to have taken everything in me. But right now I don’t have the energy to study. My brain not atall comprehending the information meaning I am unable to answer the questions at hand. I have also had a lot of medical appointments and something I have come up against again is idiotic doctors. Doctors not being educated enough or just thinking they are not worth your time.
It’s difficult. Being told your just deconditioned. Being rejected from rheumatology. It makes you feel like people somehow think your faking. Like your not ill enough. Like it’s just all in your head.
And no I’m not here to have a pity party. I know how blessed I am. To be able to work full time, to be attempting to go to the US. To Be trying to lawyer in the UK. To potentially be moving up north to live independently again.
Here’s the thing. That shit is really hard. So bloody hard. I’m getting worse at the LSAT not better due to the brain fog from my ME. And that aside, aside – I think most of why I manage is my sheer will power, and the guilt – the expectations. Alongside that it’s the tolerance and attitude I’ve built up after being unwell for so long.
I want to sing (and dance) in the rain.
And maybe that’s why I’ve been up against this lately. It must be hard to understand how one is able to be seemingly so healthy when in reality she is so unwell. Not that it makes it okay. But I know a lot of people go through this shit so I want to provide some solace and give some advice.
You are not alone! And if you are in this situation, here is what I need to say.
- You are not faking it; it is not all in your head and if it is that is also a serious mental illness and requires help.
- Think of all the things you want to do – would do, have tried to do. Think of how debilitated you are. If you were just faking it you would not be debilitated in these ways.
- So maybe the tests don’t show you are super sick. Maybe they show nothing atall. But you are still valid! We are all different, we all have different illnesses, manifistations, pain thresholds, tolerences and limits. You are valid!
- Have you tried kidding yourself that your not ill? Yes? Has this ended in you still being ill? Yes. Maybe this even ended in a bad flare up. YOU ARE NOT FAKING IT.
- Find different doctors but also remember that it takes time to build relationships.
- Last but not least. You are not a burden. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You are not a waste of NHS time (if your UK based). Your illnesses are just as valid as anyone else and you deserve to get help. You deserve adequate treatment. You deserve symptom relief without spending a small fortune. You deserve to go out and live the life you want to live.
You deserve to sing in the rain.
I hope this helped someone. Or at least was an entertaining read and, as my LSAT will be over soon, I aim to be posting at least one day a week again.