The reality of being mentally ill and having an Undiagnosed Chronic Illness

Mental illnesses often go hand in hand with Chronic illnesses. It’s part of the territory. It makes a lot of sense really. Through all the fear, the confusion, the loss of life quality, friends, supporters. Having all of your peers move on with life, seeing them progress and there you are. Still sick. It makes sense that the majority of people with a chronic illness also have some sort of mental illness.

Having both anxiety, depression and at least one diagnosed chronic illness is a confusing situation to be in. It’s denying that your sick, feeling invalid because you don’t have a diagnosis but not being able to speak to doctors. Not having that magic way of talking to them to make them test you, diagnose you and take you seriously. And actually just freezing up and panicking every time you see one.

It’s feeling guilty for not working because you have a few good hours, days, maybe even a good week. But the reality is you’ve spent so long stuck in bed from grinding fatigue or unable to focus and be a good personality to work with from severe pain or nausea that you’ve fallen into an even deeper depression than you were in before hand.

It’s feeling like there’s no out because you don’t feel empowered to fix it, so it will never get fixed. It feels like your always going to be stuck in this cycle of physically ill, depressed, anxious, physically ill etc. It’s an incredibly terrifying point to reach. You know there’s something wrong with you every day and chances are it’s only dong to get worse because of your inability to do anything about it.

Which may be why you still find yourself denying it. Because you don’t want it to be true. You want a normal life. You want to be where your many a lost friends are now. Talented beyond belief with jobs they are actually getting successfully paid for. Friends to socialise with, a family they are close to and on track for a first class degree. But then you also don’t want to get better physically because being physically ill gives you an excuse. To not work, not do x,y or z. All of those things which trigger your anxiety. That historically you haven’t been able to cope with. Even if the main reason of not coping is chronic illness related. Things like applying for jobs give me so much anxiety that I can get interviews and then not go, not accept. Because what if I get the job and can’t manage or even worse what if I just sound like a fool and people question why I even bothered trying.

Having an undiagnosed illness and anxiety is having a history of not being believed, being called an attention seeker and so the second two friends say “Maybe she’s lying.” You worry there talking about you. Especially when it has seemed very off between the group of you over the last few months. With you being the outcast.

You feel like you have to act sick even more now. Or be really ill all the time to be justified. You fear your not sick enough and your just being weak and pathetic. Life turns into this ridiculous little merry go round.

You’ve had your trust broken so much, by so many that you’ve developed methods of isolation and telling yourself they don’t like you just to protect yourself from being hurt when they eventually snap and tell you everything they hate about you. Everything that’s wrong with you as a person. And that makes you feel more alone in this battle.

You have no one to open up to about your physical battles and internalising it all. Only having your irrational voice and you as your own cheerleader means the physical battles take all the more of a mental toll.

You question whether it’s just you. Or maybe daily pain is normal. You constantly fear judgement from other because your not good enough, not doing enough, not trying enough. And you feel like a poor excuse of a human. Your physically ill, but your not that physically ill and maybe your just making excuses.

Your left in a place of feeling completely and utterly alone. With no way to express how physically hurt you feel. Because physical pain has become the norm.

The reality of Anxiety

I feel like not many people understand anxiety. The havoc it can wreck on someones life. How it leave someone feeling trapped. With no way out. No way to grow or succeed.

People also believe that when people with anxiety have panic attacks it’s obvious and shows physical signs. But not all people with anxiety do that. Some just go into themselves even more and panic internally. Panic attacks are not always obvious to the naked eye. So when someone opens up to you about something making them anxious please don’t underestimate this or not believe them just because they’re not showing stereotypical outward signs.

People can also get anxious about a variety of different things. So don’t judge if what makes them anxious seems mundane or even irrational to you. A lot of us with anxiety know we’re being irrational, but that part within us that is anxious is stronger than that.

My anxiety effects me so that I struggle to call people or even answer the phone. This has got a lot better over the years but still really effects me. Especially if it is to do with solving a problem. Problems involving phone confrontation keep on cropping up in my life as well. I recently allowed myself to lose over £1000 that I should have been paid because I was too anxious to phone or even email and deal with the stress of sorting it out. My doctors lost my new phone number and I was too anxious to phone and sort it out.

Both of these situations have huge consequences for me, my financial security and my mental and physical health.

My anxiety also effects me in other ways. Like not being able to stay in contact with friends, because I’m scared I annoy them. Not even being able to apply for jobs/scholarships because they need a reference.

Wimping out of going to interviews at the last minute. Not sending formative assessments to be marked. Having to get to places ridiculously early incase your late. The list of ways my anxiety has effected me could go on.

Anxiety is real and it is debilitating, this is something that everyone needs to understand. It is something to be taken seriously and not just brushed aside. If you have a loved one with anxiety you need to help support them through it. Help them manage and overcome it so they can live a more fulfilling life.

We need support,and sometimes we need others to do things for us because we’re unable ourselves.