The last few days I’ve been suffering eventually uncontrollobale urges to eat continuously. Or so it feels.
I don’t even know why. And it makes me feel mentally so horrible. Like I’m out of control.Because I am.
FAT Because I am. Like I never was anorexic because I’m not controlled enough and I never have been. It just makes me feel so bad. And makesme want to give up so much. Makes me want to go back to starvation becausthat way 500 calories or 250 calories preferably will be the only option. The option to binge won’t be there. I won’t put myself in situations where I may binge and I will always be armed with gum and diet coke.
Most of all I’ll be in control once more.Notthis out ofof control whale. This BINGE EATER I’m convinced into. This Binge eater who hates herself even more now she’s eating.
Starving has always been so much easier. The easyway out of all my problems. The lack of love I get from my family, the loneliness I feel from that and only having one friend. The worthlessness I feel from neverbeing clever enough at school and never getting good enough grades at college.
None of that mattered when I was starving…. and now it overwhelmes.