Okay this title seems a bit misleading because all of recovery is hard, to an extent but sometimes things are easier than others and sometimes it gets dark. Sometimes the voice in your head telling you your fat and worthless gets louder – gets stronger.
Right now I am in one of those places. After counselling being hard yesterday eating to my hunger cues, eating the calories I need to get healthy and well again has been hard. And the thought of having to eat tns of unsafe and unknown foods this weekend is even scarier. I’m fighting a war in my own mind. To “eat normally” to be healthy and happy, to suceed in life and be free from my ED. Or to go back to starvation. To be that thin girl walking down the corridor, the one who never eats and survives on a measily 250 calories a day. Dinner only. Diet coke, water and coffee being all that is allowed before that time.
That option attracts me. Going back to starvation… I feel so fat, fat compared to other people. I just feel like there’s too much of me… like I take up too much space. Part of me wants to be noticed but other times I just want to be invisible. By being thin I guess I can achieve both.
My mum will pay attention to me… care about me worry for me. But then at college I can be invisible, not feel lie the elephant in the room. I can be there but not there because my starved speech means I wouldn’t have the energy to even try and converse. My brain would be so consumed with thoughts of calories and how to lose them that I wouldn’t pay attention to whats going on.
Restriction is so tempting but the real me knows it’s not an option and knows it’s not healthy. I guess I just need to fight