I’m writing this post today as I feel there is a misconception as to what so called “real recovery” is on social media sites such as instagram.
On instagram real recovery seems to be classed as following the minnie maud guidelines, always listening to hunger cues and cravings and being positive at all times.
THAT IS NOT REAL RECOVERY.
Real recovery is doing the best you can on any given day. Fighting your eating disorder one meal or snack at a time. Some days it may be listening to hunger cues and cravings and others it may be restricting because you really can’t do anything else. And THAT IS OKAY. That is fine so long as you pick yourself back up the next day, the next meal even.
What I’m saying is that recovery isn’t all glamorous it isn’t all positive. And you can struggle and be in “real recovery” you can be negative when in “real recovery.” So long as when you are struggling you pick yourself back up and never give up.
Real recovery is continuing to fight even though your heads a mess and the world seems to be turning against you. That is what real recovery is.
The last few days I’ve been suffering eventually uncontrollobale urges to eat continuously. Or so it feels.
I don’t even know why. And it makes me feel mentally so horrible. Like I’m out of control.Because I am.
FAT Because I am. Like I never was anorexic because I’m not controlled enough and I never have been. It just makes me feel so bad. And makesme want to give up so much. Makes me want to go back to starvation becausthat way 500 calories or 250 calories preferably will be the only option. The option to binge won’t be there. I won’t put myself in situations where I may binge and I will always be armed with gum and diet coke.
Most of all I’ll be in control once more.Notthis out ofof control whale. This BINGE EATER I’m convinced into. This Binge eater who hates herself even more now she’s eating.
Starving has always been so much easier. The easyway out of all my problems. The lack of love I get from my family, the loneliness I feel from that and only having one friend. The worthlessness I feel from neverbeing clever enough at school and never getting good enough grades at college.
None of that mattered when I was starving…. and now it overwhelmes.
I come to you today to discuss energy requirements in recovery.
2 years ago when I started recovery I did not for one second belive that I would need 3000 calories a day. I mean it’s excessive isnt it?
It really isn’t. To come out of my relapse I have been trying to listen to my body, it’s the best way forwards and yes while still counting calories. I found out I have been clocking up 3000+ a day.
This is so scary, it honestly is. My eating screams that it’s too much , that I shouldn’t be eating that extra afternoon snack or that extra pancake. That it will make me fat. I have come to realise that it’s not true. I have a raging appetite because Im under my body’s set point. I need to gain to feel well again. Too succeed in my A levels. I have also now come to realise that.
I completely messed up my law mck on thursday, despite doing plenty of revision and knowing all the material, apart from the last quesion… but my brain was not functioning in the exam I attribute that to not eating all morning. My brain was underfueled, of course it wouldn’t function the way I’d like it to.
On the other hand on monday I fueled my brain for my business mock. Turns out I was two marks off an A*! Amazing really, considering I’ve been a walking zombie all term and the time pressure in BUSS3. I never believed I could do it. But I did.
Our body’s need food, food is fuel. And food is meant to be enjoyed. If god didn’t intend for food to be enjoyed we wouldn’t have so much to choose from.
Stay strong my lovely recovery warriors and keep on fighting!
Okay this title seems a bit misleading because all of recovery is hard, to an extent but sometimes things are easier than others and sometimes it gets dark. Sometimes the voice in your head telling you your fat and worthless gets louder – gets stronger.
Right now I am in one of those places. After counselling being hard yesterday eating to my hunger cues, eating the calories I need to get healthy and well again has been hard. And the thought of having to eat tns of unsafe and unknown foods this weekend is even scarier. I’m fighting a war in my own mind. To “eat normally” to be healthy and happy, to suceed in life and be free from my ED. Or to go back to starvation. To be that thin girl walking down the corridor, the one who never eats and survives on a measily 250 calories a day. Dinner only. Diet coke, water and coffee being all that is allowed before that time.
That option attracts me. Going back to starvation… I feel so fat, fat compared to other people. I just feel like there’s too much of me… like I take up too much space. Part of me wants to be noticed but other times I just want to be invisible. By being thin I guess I can achieve both.
My mum will pay attention to me… care about me worry for me. But then at college I can be invisible, not feel lie the elephant in the room. I can be there but not there because my starved speech means I wouldn’t have the energy to even try and converse. My brain would be so consumed with thoughts of calories and how to lose them that I wouldn’t pay attention to whats going on.
Restriction is so tempting but the real me knows it’s not an option and knows it’s not healthy. I guess I just need to fight