I’ve come to some realisations over the last few days:
- I dont really want to recover from my eatig disorder.
- And that is because it is a safety net to me.
Now let me explain….
I feel safe in my eating disorder, in restriction. I feel like no one can hurt me and no one can control me. It is just me and I feel powerful in abstaining from food. I know this sounds really silly but it’s true and thats why I am the way I am. That’s why Im holding on instead of making a real attemt to recover despite starvation making me increasingly cold, tired and lightheaded.
I’m actually sitting writing this in my coat and I’m still cold, which is crazy really.
Be safe…
I’m so sorry. I hope you can get out of this mind set. Eating disorders lie.
Awwwe. I hope you stay safe. xx 😦
I can quite relate to this in a way. As much as I’d rather be “normal’ and just do normal things, I don’t want to gain weight (as is pretty normal for someone with an ED). Being at a lower weight feels safer, and even at the weight which I am now, having gained, feels scary and I almost wish to lose a bit for that extra “safety” yet I know on some level it’d never be enough, it’d probably just be a back and forth…as such though, I am striving to work as best I can to move forward.