I’ve come to some realisations over the last few days:
- I dont really want to recover from my eatig disorder.
- And that is because it is a safety net to me.
Now let me explain….
I feel safe in my eating disorder, in restriction. I feel like no one can hurt me and no one can control me. It is just me and I feel powerful in abstaining from food. I know this sounds really silly but it’s true and thats why I am the way I am. That’s why Im holding on instead of making a real attemt to recover despite starvation making me increasingly cold, tired and lightheaded.
I’m actually sitting writing this in my coat and I’m still cold, which is crazy really.