Recantly I have come to realise that I have a huge fear of failure. Probably explaining why up until now I have always been such a high achiver.
Even more recantly I realised where this fear came from. As a child making mistakes was never ok. I have never been pressured to get perfect grades. I have also however never been taught that it is ok to make mistakes. I guess in some respect it lead to my eating disorder and ideals of perfection.
Each mistake I make; I am ridiculed, blamed for when things don’t go according to plan. They blame it on me and my mistake. I guess over time this lead to the great hostility which now stands between myself and my family. Feelings of loneliness. Anxiety due to fears of doing something wrong.
These experiances, in part are what has caused me to feel so awful for “not doing as much work as I should.” The way my parents have treated me, peers riduculed me and teachers pushed me have lead to feelings of inadiquacy. Never being good enough.