Focusing on re-finding focus
If you read my last post you would know that recently my climbing ability has plummeted to an all time low. Focus. I don’t focus. I don’t think. So until I get my talent back I am going to be focusing on focusing. I’m going to start climbing things down. I climbed at my best at the end of todays session when I really slowed it down. I didn’t care about the grades or the colour of the hold just focusing on getting to the top. Aiming for a hold and getting that hold int he easiest and most technical way possible. So that is what I am going to be practicing. Focus. No grades. No colours. Just learning how to focus again. I do have a comp in two weeks! It would be useful for me to have my focus back by then to it at-least looks like I can climb something. On a plus climbing was better today as I did not let my ED get to me and I did not compare myself to everyone else. Yes I am the worst climber ever but as long as I enjoy it does my ability really matter?
Who wants some?
So today we had cake at climbing and I said I didn’t like cake “What you don’t like cake?” Ok everyone who knows about my eating disorder knows that me saying I didn’t like cake was a complete and utter lie. I LOVE CAKE! My eating disorder makes me feel bad for even admitting it… *sigh*. So yes I told a little lie cause I couldn’t tell my climbing instructor about my eating disorder. I see why it would be useful but I worried about the follow-on conversation. I’m way to fat to have an ED. He probably wouldn’t believe me even if I did say. So ok. I let my eating disorder dictate whether or not I ate cake. I couldn’t eat it at the climbing gym. JUST NO! Looking at the cake sent my heart racing. 1000 b/pm. The sound of cake made me want to try and engage my pathetic gag reflex and purge it. I’ve never successfully
made myself sick before and I did not want to use my behaviors at the climbing gym. It’s a place for fun not to eating disorder behaviors. I’ve used various behaviors at school and I’d rather not take them anywhere else. It’s really unprofessional and people would probably find out at climbing. I do admit previously I’ve gone climbing just to burn of calories… but that’s as far with behaviors as I ever want to go with using at the climbing gym and that really needs to stop. So yes cake. Love cake… I was offered a muffin earlier but no I opt for the 94 cal areo moose. Damn ED. That blueberry muffin was calling me. Strange thing is it feel good I’ve denied myself cake and muffin today… like i like that I have enough self control to say no and not eat junk like that which is loaded with calories.
When people talk about ED’s around you.
Is it just me or does that really annoy you? Especially when it’s someone who knows about your eating disorder. Earlier my nan was talking about how this person on one of the soaps she was watching has an eating disorder and it was so annoying and triggering cause I was trying to eat dinner at the time. CAN YOU PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT IT AROUND ME? ESPECIALLY NOT AT THE TABLE! Gosh! The earlier at the end of science a group of girls who sit next to me where talking about how apparently this girl in my history is pretending to have an eating disorder and wants to be a size 6 for prom. One of them even said about how people make themselves sick disgust them. I hate it when people are so judgmental about eating disorders and believe we want them.
Who would choose to make themselves sick or starve themselves to get skinny? It’s not a choice… not a choice in the slightest. More people really need to realize that.