My experience with imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome has been talked about quite a lot over the last year. Having learnt about it, and listened to many others talk about their experiences through it via YouTube I thought it was about time that I discuss my experience with imposter syndrome.

Impostor Syndrome is characterized by the conviction that you don’t deserve your success. It is the feeling that you’re not as intelligent, creative or talented as other people seem to believe you are. It is the suspicion that your achievements are down to luck, good timing or just being in the right place at the right time. And it is accompanied by the fear that, one day, you’ll be exposed as a fraud.

I definitely relate to this. I have incredibly low self esteem and when things go right, I feel as though a mistake has been made. I feel like it was just luck, good timing or that it was in reality something incredibly easy and any idiot could have done it. I am not good at seeing my own achievements as a success and I’m scared that one day everyone will realise how useless I really am, or that they already know that. Understandably, this can make life incredibly difficult to deal with.

In some cases imposter syndrome can be debilitating. Although it’s not a formal clinical diagnosis.

Personally, if I get good grades I think they’re wrong. If I win academic awards I think a mistake has been made. If I get a job, I question whether I’m really good enough and whether the employer has made a mistake.

I check my final year grades every single day because I still can’t believe it’s true…

For my first two years at university imposter syndrome really effected me. Not to the point that it was debilitating but enough to be something weighing my mental state down. I got into my admittedly not great uni (In terms of league tables but I couldn’t imagine having gone anywhere else) with BBB at A level and a further BC at AS. With a couple of resits thrown into that mix too. The offer I received was ABB. Yes I know I was only one grade off but I just had that feeling that I didn’t deserve to be there, that everyone else had it all together and was so much better than me. This was especially true when compounded by low grades in my first year. (I got 2:2s in all my coursework).

I still felt the same in second year, even though my grades had improved. Like I just wasn’t enough. Like everyone else was so much better than me.

It’s difficult, it’s reality.

To my understanding many people go to through this, so people do understand. It is also possible to overcome.

If anyone else reading this feels the same or similar then please comment! And any tips for overcoming imposter syndrome would be much appreciated.

The month of both excitement and tears

June feels like it’s flown by. I think that’s because I just haven’t stopped and if I have stopped it’s been because I’ve been so unwell that I’ve been unable to even watch TV.

June started with me with my family and ended with me back up north due to flat stuff. Moving out is not fun. But we move (Literally in 4 weeks from the day this will be posted). I definitely miss being home. Although my chronic illnesses are a lot worse and my family just don’t get it I’m finding it’s too quiet working from home on my own. I’m bored, not because I don’t have enough to do but because I need that stimulation of people (and dogs around). But the health benefits are certainly worth it. Lots of exciting law things happened this month. I got a video interview for my dream law firm (and then got rejected but we move).

I also got an interview for a scholarship I need which is at the end of July. The pressure is on because I need it but I’m excited. I also took part in Legal Cheeks virtual vacation scheme which helped me massively in determining what I want for career and in providing me with a network.

I really hope my luck in terms of interviews continues and I get some more interviews for my outstanding applications. If I don’t that’s also fine as I’m aware many firms have paused recruitment and it’s a difficult year. There is always next year.

My stomach eased up after I moved back to my apartment as it’s meant I can eat more flexibly and in a way that works for my body. My bladder on the other hand. I’ve spent the last week on antibiotics for a UTI that may or may not be there. It’s helped reduce the spasms but it’s still causing significant problems, especially if I dare drink more than one cup of coffee a day. I am at the moment whilst I’m trying to pursue law, trying to work my full time job and trying to sort out a job for August (I’m resigning it will be official by the time this is published).

My mum and nan are putting an awful lot of pressure on me about my decision. I’m leaving because I’m simply not well enough. I need to get my health back so although I’m looking for an ideally part time role my interest in something full time is limited to something of the dream job category. It will only be 5 months come resigning until I start my LPC so I reason if nothing I’m well enough for is available I will manage living with my parents and worst comes to worst just doing general CV bolstering activities.

There’s only so long you can push yourself for and although I am getting out of this ME flare, I think, Maybe that’s the adrenaline speaking, I need to place myself in the best position to excel in my LPC and go on to have a long career in law. I also need to recondition and doing that whilst working isn’t going well right now.

Passing out when trying to sit up after a laying down workout isn’t fun!

So that was June! How was the month for you?

My experience on the Legal Cheek Virtual Vacation Scheme — handoeslaw

I spent the week participating in Legal Cheeks Virtual Vacation Scheme alongside 3000 other aspiring Lawyers in the UK and worldwide and as many of these schemes are going on this summer, in both law and other industries, I thought I would share my experience. The scheme was run on a platform called Hopin. I’ve […]

via My experience on the Legal Cheek Virtual Vacation Scheme — handoeslaw

More things I’ve done due to brain fog

ilkka-karkkainen-yn8aHOdNLZo-unsplash

As I’ve got a busy and stressful week I thought I’d make a quicker easier post and that is more brain fog stories as I have plenty of stupid brain fog moments.

  • Forgetting my brothers name. Not just confusing the two but going completely blank and having to settle for child and then getting told off by mum because “he has a name”. I know he has a name but my brain was so dead in that moment it couldn’t figure the name out.
  • Calling dad mum and vise versa – I did it twice in one evening a couple of weeks ago
  • How do I make a bowl of oats?
  • Completely misspelling words so they end up jumbles of letters
  • Writing the opposite of what you intended
  • Confusing words and names starting with similar letters
  • Leaving house keys in the front door
  • Forgetting to go to the toilet – yes I often wonder around wondering what I got up to do, go sit down again and then remember
  • Looking for ice packs in the kitchen draws instead of the freezer
  • Difficulty safely navigating streets and crossing roads when walking – my brain just struggles to process all the movement around me which is why I’ve not learnt to drive yet.

I hope these events show you the ridiculous things brain fog does to us multiple times a day and is somewhat relatable and helpful in helping everyone with brain fog feel less useless and alone!

Reviewing portrayals of disability in TV: The story of Tracy Beaker

The_Story_of_Tracy_Beaker_Title_Card

So I thought this would be a fun lil project to work on, working my way through various TV shows/episodes and reviewing them on the disability representation in the show. To start, The Story of Tracy Beaker because it was a childhood favourite and I’ve really enjoyed rewatching it! I also now want to read Jaqueline Wilsons newer Tracy Beaker books even though I’m 22 and currently am struggling to find time to read but that’s beside the point. The two characters I want to focus on for this are Layla and Millie.

Layla 

enhanced-613-1449490707-1

Layla has Cerebral Palsy and a big positive is that she is played by an actress with this condition. Disabled actors playing disabled characters is rare in TV and film so I definitely appreciate this! Other pros are:

  • She has a great personality and is a solid character whom viewers can easily become endeared with for reasons other than her disability
  • We get to see the reality of missing out on things when your disabled or have a chronic illness in the episode where she has to miss an exciting day of school for a physio appointment that ends up getting cancelled. Layla not wanting to miss school helps debunk stigma that disabled people are just lazy or the belief that they are lucky to get to miss days of school
  • We see issues with accessibility and  when Duke says “first one to the table” and Layla is unable to run as fast as the others.
  • Tracy uses her age and height as well as able body to get her wings back from Michael. Seeing Layla fit in with the other kids so well and seeing the other kids help her when she needs it but not being overly pushy or protective or pitying sends an important message that disabled children are just children and deserve to be treated with the same respect and in the same way as any other similar child, providing necessary accommodations are made.
  • She seems independent and intelligent for a child of her age through her lines and the fact that she does household chores like everyone else – this is very important for two reasons, one to help dispel the whole disabled people are a burden myth and secondly to show that not all disabled people are stupid.

Cons

  • The only con I really have is that she didn’t get fostered but that’s reality sadly. Although she’s young and cute, having a disability does make her less likely to get fostered.

Milly

p056mwmx

Millie is non verbal until she gets fostered and then she says the best line to Elaine.

Pros

  • The other dumping ground kids suspect her of weird goings on and think she’s scary but eventually realise she’s a scared kid and they should be nice to her
  • Her friendship with Marco and her eventually getting fostered with him
  • Even without lines we see her personality and emotions

Cons

  •  I wish she got more screen time
  • I know Elaine is a pain but I really don’t like how she pity’s and patronises Millie just because she doesn’t speak.

Overall I would give the representation of disability in The Story of Tracy Beaker an 8.5/10! Although this is only my opinion.

There will also be one coming on Tracy Beaker Returns/The dumping ground some point soon so watch this space!

If you have any TV shows and characters to recommend for this series leave it in the comments.

 

 

Reviewing my Journey from one end of the country to the other during lockdown

IMG_1661 (1)

You probably think I’ve gone mad at this point or atleast run out of ideas – writing about my travels from one end of the country to the other. But I am, so such is life. And yes I have many other potential blog posts, I’m also thinking about starting a law blog to keep me occupied when I leave my job, unless I’m too busy trying to find a new job because internalised ableism is a bitch. I’m in a weird position with my health right now. Not really well enough to work full time. Unable to walk for 10 minutes without PEM and more than a few minutes without hip issues so would struggle to get to a workplace multiple days a week and work productively for 5 days without an electric wheelchair which I  can’t afford. I am looking into a self propelling one though just so when I move back in with the fam they can push me around. (They’re abelist selves will hate that)  Anyway that’s beside the point.

I had to go back to the end of the country where I work for flat inspections and to pace. Sounds weird that. But I do find my health is better up here as I don’t have the constant noise of my family draining my energy. I eat whatever and I don’t have stairs to contend with.

So where to start. I didn’t rate wearing a facemask, espcecially not an overcized one but it was all I had and it looked cute so I rate that. I feel like going out in things that previously would have faced so much negaitive judgement is easier if you can make the item pretty. The train station in my town was eerily empty but I was able to sit down whilst I waited for the train so can’t really complain. On the train it was only me and a family in the carriage until the end of the journey when a couple of other people got on.

Getting off of the train in London was a weird experience. Many people were wearing the face masks wrong, maybe the government should start sharing easy instructions on how to use a facemask properly. Maybe they already do and I just haven’t seen it. I popped into WHSmith because I didn’t feel browsing boots meal deals for too long was appropriate and I wasn’t that hungry so I just got a Lucozade, some hand sanitizer and mini eggs. I know it’s June. But Easter choc is the best choc.

I have never seen London  so quiet  and as usual the walk to the jubilee line killed me.  But it was nice seeing hand sanitizer points throughout the underground network. Unfortunately I had to stand on the tube as well as I felt too anxious to walk through people to get to seats at a social distance as getting there would break the social distance.

I’m so utterly pathetic. I felt really quite unwell and honestly that’s the worst part of being in London with an invisible disability. Heck even when it’s in some way visible it’s a good day if someone offers you a seat. Although social distancing issues aside I’m normally good at hunting down the last seat if I’m not travelling in rush hour.

I could sit on the second tube I got though and nearly zoned out and missed my stop. I am a liability on public transport. Honestly I’m amazed I’ve never actually missed my stop before.

I decided to sit in the sun for a bit at  as I had just under an hour until my train once I got to the next main national rail station which was really nice although sun makes me super nauseous right now! The train station handed out facemasks to people who didn’t have them which I highly rate as at the time of posting it is now compulsory to wear facemasks on public transport in the UK.

The toilets were open at the station which was great and there were hand sanitiser points outside the toilets which I highly rate and lots of reminders about maintaining a social distance.

The second train was more chilled than it ever is although I was very happy to get off and be back home. Made the very stupid mistake of walking back to my flat despite being in a lot of pain. I was so out of breath despite that 10 minute walk not usually making me out of breath even when carrying stuff so that’s a definite sign that my bodies not where it was at the beginning of the year.

Travelling during this time was a lot less scary than I expected it to be so I hope this helps those who are suddenly realising a need for public transport as the country opens back up after not needing it for a while.

The problem with “real recovery”

charles-deluvio-D44HIk-qsvI-unsplash

And we’re back with an eating disorder recovery related post and that is the issue of real recovery. I’ve been in the community on YouTube and the gram for many many years now and yes as a young influential gen z I did #realrecovery in my posts. But now I’m older and wiser and believe the message of real recovery is slightly problematic.

Back in the day it was associated with a minnie maud style, 3000+ calories a day, no exercise recovery. Yes that is probably the most ideal recovery when it comes to putting weight on fast in recovery from anorexia and maybe even for your mental state. Now I find it associated with going “all in”.

But other than the fact that “going all in” isn’t appropriate for all eating disorders or all eating disorder patients as it may cause refeeding syndrome or increasing urges to binge the term real recovery is problematic as it insinuates to many eating disorder patients that there recovery is only worth it if they’re never giving into thoughts, eating to their cravings and hunger ques and not using compensatory behaviours. Considering how perfectionistic anorexia sufferers in particular are this is even more problematic as they are likely to want the perfect recovery and the eating disorder may convince them that it’s all or nothing.

If you give into a behaviour your a failure. Your recovery isn’t real and so why should you bother.

The reality is every recovery is real recovery. Even if you do slip, you do act on thoughts and use behaviours. It’s still recovery, as long as you recognise what your doing and make a real effort to try and change it.

Of course the ideal of recovery is to never use behaviours, but that’s not realistic.

Recovery has ups and downs and often a lifelong process. Often when you recover from an eating disorder the thoughts will become less and less but they’ll always be there in the back of your mind and you’ll always have to keep check on them.

Sometimes you’ll be doing great, sometimes you slip.

Slipping or not making as much progress as other people in the community doesn’t mean your recovery is less real!

Recovery is not linear, not the same for everyone and does not have to be all positive!

May was a Mess but that’s okay

8349C0FF-E085-416B-8CE3-96468F093FAE

I quite like doing these monthly reviews so I think I’ll continue them as much as possible.  But May was a not very fun month. Fun things happened but my body definitely took the sacrifice until I found the d-ribose and the adrenaline I’m in right now. Yes I’m aware harnessing the adrenaline isn’t good ME management advice but I do what I do.

The beginning of May actually feels like a decade away right now but I decided to commit to an ME awareness daily photo challenge on Instagram which I actually completed, like what? Everyone who knows me knows I get to about day 15 of these challenges and give up. But with a lot of pre-preparation and sometimes posting two or three days in one I managed. When I could dedicate the physical and cognitive energy to photo taking I really enjoyed expressing my creativity and posting different content. But I also liked  how I could go through a wealth of photos on facebook, google photos, my phone and post old content if I didn’t have the energy or muse. There is now a picture of 9 year old me in a tree on Instagram (Where else would I be?).

I also got to see my family again and I am loving being fed and my dog and my fingerboard and there being a tree I can climb in my nans back garden. It’s probably not safe as it’s probably taller than a bouldering wall (getting down was terrifying) but my brother climbs it all the time and I’m competitive. Yes even against a 14 year old because if he’s better than me at anything he endlessly rubs it in.  Also trees and doorframes are all I can climb right now so if I’m in the vicinity of a tree and feeling vaguely well enough I will.

But my health was not vibing in May. In all the ways.

I spent the month a really not fun gastro flare because my body was like “Hi your doing too much for me to have the energy to digest food.” The only reason I’ve kept weight on is because my family feed me and eat the typical unhealthy westernised diet so the calorie density has been higher, especially with my evening meal. I’m really hoping my stomach works this month because I’m done with the agonising all consuming nausea but also scared of gaining weight. I weigh the least I have since a bad gastro flare four years ago and I weirdly feel worse about my body than I did at Christmas when I was heavier. But such is life. I can’t do huge amounts about it when living with my family. If I wasn’t working I’d make separate dinners for myself more but I really don’t have spare energy to cook and wash up the cooking every day or walk to Tesco and back for fruit whenever. My nausea is something I really should see a doctor over as even though I can’t commit to one end of the country I could atleast get some anti-emetics. Over the counter and herbal remedies are of really limited effect right now and no I can’t concentrate on my job effectively if the all consuming nausea hits. But I also can’t concentrate if I’m hungry so I can’t really win.

My bladder also waged a bit of war on me, although that’s been going on since before lockdown I found it more noticeable when trying to work. I should really see a doctor about that actually as it’s been really painful over the last few months but COVID and not being committal over staying in one part of the country.  It’s also kind of scaring me because from my limited none medically trained knowledge it sounds like I’m having retention issues which is a common EDS comorbidity.

I still have an elbow injury even though that’s had a lot more rest (Should really do something about it) and my LCL is still injured even though when I got it checked out I was told a month. That was three months ago. I hate it when medical professionals underestimate injuries because of a high pain tolerance or maybe I just heal slowly because of my EDS. Everything else that got injured during the same heel hook is better now though!

Migraines, pressure in the back of my head, migraine like headaches that aren’t actual migraines and pain in the rest of my body has been a constant battle. Yes another thing I should consult the GP about but I have 99 problems and I don’t know which to prioritise.

I was finding myself on the floor multiple times a day, although that did reduce at the end of the month by starting D-ribose and getting back on another supplement that I think I probably was on at some point but stopped because I couldn’t afford. It’s very weird living in an abelist family who don’t even believe that is a thing, collapsing multiple times a day but never in their sight or rarely because adrenaline is a wonderful thing. It’s honestly even more hilarious when your younger brother has issues with you not emptying the dishwasher and your dad gets in on the “Why can you do X but not Y?”

Especially when you can’t explain because they don’t let you get a word in and lets face it no one will ever understand ME until they have ME. No one will ever understand that yes I can do this thing but this thing makes me very dizzy and I have to work after lunch so no I can’t do this thing right now. I can do this thing but it’s unsafe for me as I often can’t feel my feet and am dizzy so if I am able to walk down the stairs carrying a hoover down and then hoovering the mess I made after exerting a lot of energy before now is something I need help with.

I did the hoovering. Not the carrying.

I feel like able bodied people also don’t understand that we’re allowed to have fun. And I’m not blaming my brother for his “Why can you climb a tree but not empty the dishwasher.”  But it’s something I’ve come across my other people who are old enough to educate themselves and allow themselves to be educated.

May also ended in a bit of a mental health crisis. I won’t go into details of why or what but it was terrifying, especially as I had been doing really well. Honestly if I had records of my recent anxiety and depression questionnaires I could prove it. (I have to do them before each therapy session.) But seriously being worse mentally, even if only for two days than you have been for two years is terrifying.

So May was not great but hopefully June will be better. On one of the last days of the Month I was able to walk for 10 minutes without too much PEM. Still some PEM but less.

I may go down to one post a week in June. It’s certainly not felt right to make two posts this week with everything going on. I’ve been sharing resources and info #blacklivesmatter related over on my IG stories @spoonielivingfree which will likely continue but writing a blog post on the matter when I can only come from my own white privileged view isn’t something that’s felt right. We need to share voices from black people without putting pressure on them to educate us. I may however write some criminal justice/sentencing pieces if I can find the energy although I’m not sure whether they’ll be posted here or somewhere else.

That was a tangent. But yeah, I’d like to do two posts if I can but it’s not something I’ll pressure myself to do!

How was May for you?

 

 

 

 

The lesser spoken symptoms of ME and EDS

adam-niescioruk-hWzrJsS8gwI-unsplash

It’s nearing the end of all the awareness months and just to get that lil bit more awareness out I thought I’d focus on the not just fatigue parts of ME and the not just joints part of H-eds. Now I do want to add a disclaimer that these are my experiences of symptoms. Not everybody’s. I have a mild case of EDS and co so understandably my experiences are different to someone with a more severe case. My ME is here there and everywhere in severity although my new supplements are getting me out of the horrific flare I’ve been in. We love D-ribose. The taste no. Not collapsing multiple times a day, just trying to get to the bathroom yes. I’ve never been severe, or super severe though so although those symptoms have happened they’re not a constant.

That was way too long of an introduction! Lets get on with the content.

EDS is bladder pain, bladder discomfort. The more full your bladder is the harder it is to urinate. The pain feels like it’s growing by the minute and it’s all consuming. You get frequent infections.

It’s nausea, food just not feeling like it digests. Even drinking water can cause nausea and a sort of sloshy feeling that a healthy body would only get if they drank too much. I personally find squash and diet coke kinder to my stomach than water, no idea why that is! It’s spending money on countless anti-nausea remedies and OTC medication, finding often they are of limited effect. GPs are reluctant to offer anti-emetic prescriptions in the UK.

It’s bloating, retaining so much water that your painfully bloated you feel and look pregnant and go up a clothes size or two on bloat alone.

It’s reflux, sometimes so bad that it keeps you up at night.

ME is pain, never ending pain. Frequent migraines, light sensitivity which not only causes pain but dizziness. Laying in a bedroom with the curtains seldom fully open really gets quite depressing.

It’s unbearable head and neck pressure. It can be kind of eased by hanging upside down at least for me but that’s not sustainable for a long period of time.

It’s drop attacks, heart palpitations, breathing difficulties.

The brain fog that leaves you feeling stupid and can be really quite scary at times.

Cold extremities despite being in a heatwave and sweltering.

Blurry vision. I don’t think the list of ME symptoms ever ends I could write a book, but it’d be a boring book so I won’t. I hope you’ve all either learnt something from this list or if your unlucky enough to have these conditions yourself or in the process of being diagnosed that this somehow helps make sense of your symptoms and makes you feel less alone.

 

 

Dealing with rejection

cristian-newman-tnxRFtXI9dI-unsplash

I don’t think I’ve already covered this, or if I have I’ve not dedicated an entire post to it. Which is strange considering just how much rejection I have faced.

At the end of April I was rejected from my dream job, although I was put on the reserve list so maybe if we keep our fingers and toes crossed it will come to me. Or not and something else will happen that was so meant to be.

And very unlike me, I dealt with it okay. Maybe I’ve experienced so much rejection that I’m immune to it.

I was able to appreciate that getting as far in the recruitment process as I did was an achievement in itself. Many people who get the job are a lot more qualified than me, or a lot more privileged and from better universities.

I was able to appreciate that rejection isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t mean I’m not enough or I didn’t try hard enough.

It’s just life.

Life makes no sense sometimes especially when your dreams seem to just not be coming together. But I truly believe that one day it will all make sense. l

God has a plan.

He just doesn’t make us aware of that plan.

You are sick enough for help: Mental Health Awareness week

dustin-belt-lg4fM9Y2pGg-unsplash

It’s the end of mental health awareness week and honestly we shouldn’t need one but there we go, we still do. Although we have come a long way there is still a significant amount of stigma out there.

Today I want to talk about, well write about how we all have mental health and there is never a point where you are not sick enough for help. Be that therapy, counselling or medication or even just that little bit of extra support from family, friends and collegues.

Mental health is just like physical health. Sometimes it can be good, sometimes it can be bad, sometimes it can be somewhere inbetween and just like physical health we shouldn’t ignore it if we start to feel it going because if we do ignore it, it will likely get worse and have a knock on effect on other aspects of our life. If it gets worse, it’s harder to then get back under control.

Just like physical pain, it’s better to take action when the pains a 3/10 because once it gets out of control more and more needs to be done.

Ignoring your mental health and sacrificing it above all else in life isn’t a badge of honour, it isn’t a way to show how brilliant you are or how hard you try. Your not being pathetic if you take time out, get therapy, take medication that’s okay. You are valid. You are worthy. You are not wasting the time of healthcare professionals. Even if you live in the UK and are reliant on the NHS. If you think you are having enough of an issue with your mental health that simple self care isn’t helping and only you know that you are worthy of help. See your GP, self refer to therapy.

I know living in the UK it can be hard, especially as a teenager because CAHMS often only help you in a timely manner if your on your death bed and even then…. I won’t waste words ranting about CAHMS though.

Many trusts now offer self referral to therapy, although limited in their use for people like me with currently mild/moderate anxiety and depression this can be really helpful  I have a lot more anxiety than depression though! I’ve been really quite anxious these past few days just because my family don’t understand ME but the second I try to explain they start spewing abelist language on me. That’s an anxiety that’s hard to overcome, when the people who are meant to support you most don’t see nor understand your illness but it’s kind of your fault because have you really tried but the issue is your too anxious to try.

That was a tangent…

Although there’s still waiting lists it’s not the 6 months to many years that can be found with other forms of mental health treatment on the NHS.

You are sick enough, you are worthy and you are deserving. Remember it’s better to prevent these issues arising at all, through rest, be selfish once in a while. Self care is important, you shouldn’t burn yourself out trying to be everything for everyone.